Yeah thanks Paheli, I may write out my angst here to get it out of my system, but emotional I am not. I have a pretty solid head on my shoulders. This is a topic, just out of curiosity as to what people have done in their own situations. I personally am re-thinking moving forward with people who want to dominate the relationship by being "the man" whatever that means, and find themselves needing to inform me that they will be bossing me around and maybe I can have an allowance and 25% of the decision making, as if they own me or something. To that my friends, I give an entirely un-emotional, mechanical, rational middle finger.
^ I know you're intelligent and capable of rational thought. The reason I mentioned you're too emotional to get anything useful out of a conversation with his ex is b/c you can't control yourself while things are happening. You react and THEN think rationally.
A perfect example would be the fits you have already thrown with him as soon as he mentioned all this 75/25 BS. Because of your emotional reaction.....he is now careful, backtracking and being extra nice. Which leaves you in a position of wondering just exactly what he meant by those words and whether or not he was serious (even though he now claims he was joking). I wish you had simply said "ok" when he made those comments, acted normal and later thought through what was said. And THEN started bringing up various topics/scenarios while talking to him to "test" what he said previously WITHOUT him realizing that his words were a "red flag" for you.
Anyway....at this point....I think instead of throwing that 75/25 thing or even the stupid purse example.......I think you should take some of the points I mentioned in that prenup post and discuss those. You said he's interested in a prenup (which btw should be fair to BOTH parties). So bring up some of the things I mentioned and see if you and him and reach an agreement that's fair to both of you. While discussing those specific things (several of which relate to finances).....you should get an idea on just how open he is to listening to your opinion and whether or not he's capable of having a rational/mature discussion instead of just shutting you out.
Controllers will be on nice behavior and will not shut you out until after a marriage has taken place.
His friend's ex had said that her money is hers and no Muslim
Husband has the right to that money without a woman's permission. He scoffed at that idea. I already know where he stands on these issues, he will simply play nice now. And I did not blow up at him. Khair, if you'd like to discuss my particular case further how about you PM me your comments, as this topic is not about me but rather a general topic. Thanks.
I know my issues are the juicy gossip for the housewives of GS. From now on if you wanna get into my personal life or pull it out as an example have the courtesy to PM me. My personal life on this website is over and no longer a point of discussion, thanks.
^ My apologies PCG. I have no idea what on earth could've possibly given me the impression that you were posting about yourself rather than a general topic. Have a wonderful weekend. :)
Read the original post. Nothing about my life there. In absence of enough drama on Geo, people imagine that every comment I post is actually about my life. It's a forum about Life, not PCG's sex life. You too have a lovely weekend.
To me, it sounds like you don't really like this guy anymore and are fishing to find something wrong via the ex. There are too many questions and things he says and will do that you won't like. Is there a reason you're trying to force this to happen? There is a guy out there that will treat you like a queen, much like there is a girl out there who will be happy with his 75/25 decision making proposal, getting and allowance and will overlook a 3 month long marriage.
Yeah that's great. Don't care. No more discussion of my life here in responses to questions I pose or comments I make about random things. I have that right as a user.
I don't think it's a very good idea. She's his ex for a reason. There are bitter feelings between the two, and you talking to her could result in her speaking ill about him, as well as him being upset that spoke to her. You don't know if what she'll tell you is the truth... she can make up lies which some people do about their ex's to a certain extent, or exaggerate the situation. It's better to just leave it. Like others have said, most people, once divorced, know their bad qualities which may have led to the divorce, so they try not to repeat their mistakes. Not saying this always happens, but it did with the few I know in this situation. I haven't read your earlier posts so I don't know much about your situation, but if you have doubts about this you should definitely rethink this.
All I can say is don't do it. I'm married to someone who was divorced. And besides making dua and asking Allah SWT to guide me, the one thing I thought spoke volumes about my now spouse is that there was never once an instance of bad mouthing...just a factual recitation of what took place. No name calling, no dramatic hand gestures, no "woe is me, I'm so nice how could anybody DO this to me blah blah blah."
And then I did what every person does before he/she marries...I rolled the dice and decided to say yes because my heart (yes...it sounds cheesy children but THAT is truly where the best decisions come from so long as you are brutally honest with yourself) said so. Ultimately I took a chance. We all do. Because that's what marriage is PCG. It's a gamble. At the end of the day (and I think someone made this point quite well), you can't control everything. So stop trying. It never works. And it's just going to give you an ulcer. Ask your questions, pay attention to what is said as well as HOW it's said, make dua and MAKE YOUR CHOICE. You will never get all the answers. And that's ok.
Im married to someone who was divorced. I asked q's i needed to, his parents said what they had to i didnt feel the need to go meet his ex or her family. I trusted his word. I really dont see what dragging up someones past will help u make a decision. Rape etc surely that wouldnt be something that could have been hidden etc.?!
Is it ethical to directly (telling/asking the rishta) or indirectly (w/o letting the prospective rishta know) that you'd like to find the prior spouse they were married to (their ex), and talk to them and their family?
Isn't this an important thing to do when you're entertaining rishta with a divorcee?
PCG, you will probably get a very one-sided view of the guy if you reach out to such an obviously biased person like his ex. Better idea would be to talk to friends (not his best friends obviously, but people who knew him and his ex, but aren't too biased either way) or neighbors. If you must talk to his ex, have a family member or trusted friend reach out to her instead of talking to her yourself. Your (potentially) to-be husband isn't going to like it if you had conversations with her on your own. If a relative or friend does it, it will seem less personal, and he will hopefully attribute it to the family's concern for you, instead of your lack of trust in him. In any case, remember not to trust her account 100% and take everything with a grain of salt.
Btw, have you talked to the guy openly about his first marriage? Are you satisfied by his account of things? Did you sense any red flags? This is a situation where you should trust your instincts.
so the ex might tell you that he watched porn, smoked pot and gambled.
the guy might counter that by saying that he's learned his lesson and doesn't do any of that any more. all's peachy-keen.
after you marry him you realize that he now prefers to get drunk and violent.