Difficulty finding proposal for MALE with disorder!!!

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Difficulty finding proposal for MALE with disorder!!!

And if this whole thread is meant to be a personal attack on me, since you keep pointing out girls who are having trouble finding rishtas and how we should be grateful, please keep in mind, we are not ungrateful for our lives and our health. We are simply looking for a partner who is a good match for us, and who we would be comfortable with sharing our lives.

I don't think rejecting an autistic guy is grounds to say "dekha, look how unappreciative she is", and in fact, I think you're just insulting people on this site and in the process, embarassing this poor guy.

And I'm not sure what "mildly autistic" really means. A disability is a disability, clearly he wasn't able to go to college, and probably required special needs through high school to graduate. He and his family should be grateful they live in a country where they were afforded that right. As for finding a mate, most women will look for a guy who can provide, and if they do not need the money, they will look for a guy who is good company and mentally compatible for conversation and enjoying life.

btw, I have a kid cousin who is also disabled, and I'm sure this will be a point that will come up, but if a man is not capable of caring for a woman, I am not sure whether it's humane to marry them. I had a grand-uncle who was disabled due to born defects, and they married him to a poor woman from a small village in India. She came over to Pakistan, was beaten up by one of the women in the home (joint family system), and made to do the housework. She had a baby, baby died in infancy, and she went back to India to her village. Our entire family thinks that part of the family is flat out crazy, and just cruel. It was unfortunate what that woman went through.

If he's not fit to be a husband and take care of a household on his own, best to not marry him, and instead care for him. Looking for a wife, in some families, is an excuse to pass the handicapped man on to someone else. He needs a caretaker, not a wife.

And plenty of women with mild autism and disabilities too. I wish we had a proper jamaat service in the US that could hook up such families. Maybe the family might want to start an organization for desis in America with disabled kids.

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Difficulty finding proposal for MALE with disorder!!!

^^well said. Wife and caretaker are not same thing. You need mental capatibilty. Many people have some family member with some sort of disability. They are people too and deserve all the respect in the world. However marriage is something entirely different. Sometimes ppl in abroad due to financial circumstances will marry their daughters off for Economic gain. You have to live in their shoes to see if it is worthwhile. It is well established families that can do this .

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Re: Difficulty finding proposal for MALE with disorder!!!

Let me make this clear, this thread is definitely not a personal attack on YOU. If I want to say something directly to you, I'll say it. I am sorry if I offended you in any way. I am trying to help this person, but I don't want to hurt you or anyone else in this process.

This is a serious matter and a sensitive one too.

There have been a few nice people on this forum who have already messaged me and tried to help. Now it's up to the girl / girl's family to decide.

Sometimes we have to make very difficult decisions in life. But it can work out positively in the end. And I am still hopeful it will work out for him. I know he has a disorder and it's hard for people to accept, but I still think he's a great person and he has qualities that no one else has. He can get married and make someone very happy.

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Re: Difficulty finding proposal for MALE with disorder!!!

In your ad you wrote he's on ODSP & works as a part-time clerk. Has that changed? ODSP is the Canadian version of government support for disabled people right? UNLESS this has changed.....I'm not sure how you can be surprised at anyone (especially in the Pakistani community) for turning down a 28 year old man who is on govt. support and has a part-time clerk job. This isn't exactly what most parents/single women have in mind when looking for a financially stable husband capable of taking care of a family.

But why? Even this guy and his parents have certain demands & won't even look at girls who don't meet their criteria. In your ad you wrote they will consider a divorcee/widowed women BUT no children. Here you wrote they specifically want a Sunni/Pakistani girl. They won't even agree to see someone who has a child from a previous marriage OR a practicing Muslimah (even if she is Sunni) who is not of Pakistani origin.

At least the girls refusing to see this guy based on his disability have some valid concerns. They have genuine concerns about his ability to support a family and also mental/psychological compatibility. You yourself wrote his wife will have to make most of the decisions b/c he's "young for his age". Not many Pakistani Muslim women are willing to be in a marriage where the husband is not capable of taking the lead.

However, the "criterias" the parents/guy has seem nothing more than cultural hang ups. I have no doubt they have had a negative reaction due to his disability. However, based on their demands that the girl must be Pakistani, Sunni, no child from previous marriage etc.........I wouldn't exactly label them as open minded and liberal.

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Re: Difficulty finding proposal for MALE with disorder!!!

Paheli00, I know this is not the ideal proposal. That's why I keep on asking IF there is someone, please contact me. Not every Pakistani woman wants to take the lead, but I am positive that there are some who would love to take the lead. Some women do like to have most of the control. There are so many women who post on the site complaining that the husband doesn't listen to them. They cry and cry, and still the guy doesn't listen, doesn't value their input, etc. I know the person has a problem, it can't be ignored, but someone can consider this proposal. It's up to the girl.

But what can I say, all people see is the disability, not the person.

He is working, that's why I posted this. If there is a serious proposal, all questions can be answered. Someone has to be interested first.

Preferences are not set in stone, they change with circumstances.
The family does not prefer someone who has a kid. Do you know someone who has a kid, and who would be interested in this proposal?

The family is open-minded, and they would consider that too. Everyone has preferences, but of course if someone outside of their preferences is available, they will at least consider it.

So Paheli00, Do you know anyone? Can you help this person? Can you recommend anyone? I would seriously appreciate any help from you.

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Re: Difficulty finding proposal for MALE with disorder!!!

I am sorry to say this but no girl has a desire to marry an mildly retarded man. The best option will be for him to marry some girl in a Pakistan that comes from a poor family.

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Re: Difficulty finding proposal for MALE with disorder!!!

It's a medical term. He was diagnosed as mild. I can provide more info, if needed.

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Re: Difficulty finding proposal for MALE with disorder!!!

FYI he does not have mental retardation, and Autism is not the same thing as retardation.

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Re: Difficulty finding proposal for MALE with disorder!!!

Yes, just like the guy and his parents see a woman's child from a previous marriage, her ethnicity (she MUST be Pakistani), and her specific religion (MUST be Sunni). BTW, Islam does allow him to marry Christian & Jewish woman.

No one is asking for you share ALL details of his life. If he has a FULL time job and is able to support a family with his own income....post that. There is no reason for you to keep that a secret. But as of right now, all you've shared is that he's on govt. assistance and has a part-time job as a clerk. That right there is enough to prevent most people from being interested in the 1st place.

So has the family been actively looking for a girl who is non Pakistani and/or someone who has a child...b/c he's not having in luck in the community? If they're telling people that these are their criteria's for a girl, how are they going to come across someone who is interested but doesn't meet THEIR requirements? Outside of advertising in Pakistani sites and communicating with Pakistani aunties.....what steps have you and the family taken to find a girl who is non-Pakistani? Aren't there organizations in Canada where people with autism & their families network w/ one another?

As for me.....the single women I know would never consider a man who is already not capable of supporting a family. They also would not consider a rishta where from day 1, she has to take the lead in ALL major life decisions including future children. Its one thing to take care of a husband who becomes disabled AFTER marriage b/c the love, commitment etc. is already there. However, no woman I know would choose to be in a marriage knowing (especially in an arranged situation) that she must play the role of caretaker in addition to being a wife/future mother.

BTW, I'm treating this thread as a discussion on disability and how the effects a person's ability to find a spouse. You are more than welcome to continue this as a discussion.....so no need to repeat over and over that if someone is interested, they should contact you. That point was already made in your 1st post. If your purpose is only to advertise, then you need to stick with the rishta thread on the wedding forum b/c rishta ads are not allowed on this forum.

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Re: Difficulty finding proposal for MALE with disorder!!!

Hi Paheli00, you have brought up some valid points and suggestions. I will discuss them with the family.

You're absolutely right, the family/ the guy should be more open in their approach, and see what other options are available (cultures, etc).

In Canada there are not that many services to find proposals (with or without disabilities), but it doesn't hurt to try those routes too.

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Re: Difficulty finding proposal for MALE with disorder!!!

why doesn't he find some one with minor disability...they can both help each other.

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Re: Difficulty finding proposal for MALE with disorder!!!

Have you considered https://autisticdating.net/ ?

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Re: Difficulty finding proposal for MALE with disorder!!!

What a lame reply! A girl who knows him, understands his disability, and has the desire to be in a relationship with him will inshahAllah marry him. I sincerely think that his family should help him socialize so women can get to know him.

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Re: Difficulty finding proposal for MALE with disorder!!!

Then why are you PM'ing girls who have complained about having a tough time finding a rishta? And then furthermore pointing out in this thread that girls who fuss about rishtas should consider this guy?

I'm not sure if the benevolent intent of finding a girl for this guy is all there is to this thread.

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Re: Difficulty finding proposal for MALE with disorder!!!

Yeah, I agree and thanks for your positive reply. The family should help him socialize more so available women have the opportunity to speak with him and decide for themself what they think of him.

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Re: Difficulty finding proposal for MALE with disorder!!!

All types of proposals come, good and bad. Everyone thinks differently. What is good for one person, may not be good for someone else.

Everyone has different circumstances, and they make decisions based on those circumstances.

Please don't take it to heart. I apologize again if I ofended you or anyone else with this matter.

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Re: Difficulty finding proposal for MALE with disorder!!!

Thanks. I looked at this and there are only a few results, but I will try to find similar sites like this. It’s good idea.

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Re: Difficulty finding proposal for MALE with disorder!!!

I believe some parents of Autistic kids are member of GS as well. I m ot sure whether they read this post . What they will be going through after reading this is .....