this thread is obv inspired by the other well mannered children thread.
at a recent get together, some desi women were comparing desi vs white kids. one girl very proudly told the story of how her daughter (age 1) is so clever, that she went up to a white girl at the pediatrician’s office waiting room and simply snatched the other girl’s doll away. The other girl just stood there like a dumbo. (her exact words) while her daughter walked away with the doll.
The point of her story was that desi kids are more intelligent and white kids are dumb.
This made me angry because I frequently complain about my very well mannered child who is far too nice on the playground. If another child takes a toy away from him, he too, will simply stand there instead of starting a duel. On the other hand, he is no where close to being dumb because at the age of 2.5 he is the most advanced at his daycare in terms of alphabet, counting, colors, months, seasons, etc. They always say he is the most advanced child they have in terms of language despite that fact that we are teaching him urdu, arabic, and english. So I didn’t really feel the need to defend myself.
However, at that point I was thinking that maybe us desis are so jaahil that we think rude, ill-mannered children are clever. Perhaps thats why most of our population grow up to be easily bribable politicians, corrupt businessmen etc because we are taught that smarter kids get what they want by hook or by crook and it doesn’t really matter how you get success as long as you are happy with the outcome.
Have you ever come across parents who confuse badtameezi with intelligence? Is this due to the parents’ own lack of sophistication?
I think your kiddo will learn to be assertive in his own time, pk. Don’t worry about it too much- he’s still very young. Show him how to handle these situations and be supportive when an incident like that happens. Do you ever step in to intervene? If someone takes a toy away that my kid is playing with, I say loud enough for the other parent to hear about how sharing is a good thing and then I address the kid directly and say would it be ok if he takes a turn after you? We can play in turns. I then tell my kiddo that he’ll have his turn after, and in the meantime, I’ll hand him another toy to keep him busy and then he usually forgets about the first one. Typically though, the other kids’ parents will step in themselves and talk to their child so it’s an equal give and take scenario on the playground. There has to be understanding on both sides- as your kid is 2.5, so is the other child and kids don’t have perfect manners but there is no excuse for a parent who is present to not discipline and/or support their child.
I think the assumption of white kids being dumber than desi kids is idiotic. I’d stop keeping company with those women.
That’s my pet peeve with some desis. They can have the most advanced degrees in the world but they lack manners! I don’t think I would be able to keep quiet if someone “boasted” about this “qabza group” mentality. Of course, the other kid stood there she probably did not come from a family who condoned these things. Gosh!!
Yes, the kid will be a kid and of course they will act out like that esp if they are very young. But its basically up to the parent to keep reminding their child how they are not supposed to snatch etc. Eventually and hopefully they will catch on.
I have def seen a lot of desis with this kind of mentality. =/ Desis seem to think a child that hits others, snatches toys, rude, selfish in general…is more clever…these traits seem desirable. My own in-laws…as nice as they can be…encourage this kind of behavior. My SIL (she’s educated - an engineer) has a 2y/o son and they were at a wedding recently…her son was going around beating up other kids and my in-laws were boasting & laughing about it. Talking about how strong and clever he is. Of course, it’s not the kid’s fault…the parents/elders should be discouraging this kind of behavior…but if he sees his parents and grandparents laughing and smiling at him every time he does this…I doubt he’ll learn. I have a 9-month old son and when he kicks or hits (even though he doesn’t understand it)… I still make it a point to say ‘no’ firmly and redirect him.
I would hope the woman you are speaking of learns that this behavior should not be encouraged.
In my time when I was growing up more parents like these did exist, my cousins did the very same thing growing up to almost everyone they came across, I have seen this special we-are-so-chalak ‘trait’ in a lot of parents and their kids not just desis though, where being appropriate or polite is associated with being ‘bewaqouf’ or ‘saadha’ but nowadays I think parents are much more aware and know they WILL get called out if something ‘un-fair’ is happening on the playground and rightfully so!!
This woman you met seems very jahil herself and if she keeps this kinda behaviour it will bit her in that behind of hers. Like sgc said this is to all parents not just you, If there is a problem with toy sharing PLEASE for the love of GOD say it LOUD enough RIGHT then for the other parent to hear so something can be done, and YES most parents do realize and intervene - there is not point in worrying about what still hasn’t happened, what most parents need to get is that kids that age are very resilient and get back to playing nicely again…Play time should be about having fun and not about adults and their own ego’s
However your kid seems like on the right track, don’t sweat it too much
No, not just desis.
I know a desi child who is being bullied in kindergarten by non desi kids. I could not believe the stuff I was told that the child is taunted with, you would think what are the parents teaching their kids. How can these kids be so rude at such a young age.
Your child is right in being nice but I believe it is important to teach the child to not be rude but at the same time do stand up for themselves as well.
Your child does not need to start a fight with kids snatching his toys but I think you need to teach him to politely ask the snatching child to share the toy or ask it back or something. Even if he does not get the toy back he knows that he does not just need to stand there and watch whatever other kids do to him.
My daughter is only 8 months but I think about this all the time and pray that InshAllah she grows to be a respectful, kind, well mannered child and adult. And also a good muslim. The thought of her going astray (especially from Islamic teachings) SCARES me to death. I wish I had a guide for dummies on how to ensure she ends up good. I guess we just have to do the best we can to instill proper values and teach manners from a very young age.
