I’m debating pissing off my fiance and pretty much all the females in both our families by refusing to have a lavish Valima, or not contribute more then the bare minimum for the shadi expenses.
Otherwise at the very least, I’m looking to spend about 15 grand combined. I don’t have the money. I make o.k. money, but I am disgusted at how people around my fiance and I (mostly women…o.k. all women) are pushing for these big functions, just so they can dress up and enjoy themselves.
I feel this is obscene and unnecessary. I’d rather have a tiny but super lavish gathering with 20 people then a mediocre one, with sloppy food, and a smelly hall with 300 people. But the females are insisting I get a big hall and spend this and that and buy x amount of clothing for the fiances dresses etc. I’d rather spend those 14-20 grand on my fiance and I (honey moon, traveling, babies etc, other bills), instead of feeding some random people for one night.
also..im debating as a compromise…i do end up doing the valima, but making it so uncomfortable for these women then they wouldn’t be able to enjoy it: having it on a beach, during day time.
as long as u let her wear whatever she wants, you should do the wedding the way you want.
based on the amount of complaining we hear, ppl really need to start standing up for htemselves and doing things the way they want...especially if they're paying for it.
I agree with Sara.
People really should stand up for what is right. I am a victim of this myself. I didn't want any mehndi mayoon or any other function except shaadi and walima.. who listened to me.. umm NO ONE. Well my parents did but my husband's side didn't. Ended up doing a stupid mehndi which I am so against.
Good thing however, my husband's side arranged it, it was pretty small, low budget event.
Only one person's opinon should matter to you- your fiance. Honestly, it doesn't matter who says what, you are paying for it, do what you think is right.
If you're paying for it, then express your opinion. Your fiance should compromise on some points. Just make sure you buy her the dress- that's what matters most to the girl.
I will agree with you, that the valima should be small. That's just my personal opinion. I'd prefer a bigger event on the shaadi/baraat day, but a smaller close-knit valima (only family and the closest friends).
if it doesnt bug u and u dont care how ur relatives will not leave any opportunity to tell u, and more likely, ur wife, in the future, even ten years down the line, how u didnt feed them valima food, then do it.
but it is very, very VERY important to get the buy-in of ur fiance. u can ask her, look i have XYZ funds. we can spend these on a honeymoon at a super pricey resort and location, or we can have a big fat desi wedding. but i wud prefer option a. because i dont like ppl/know ppl/care for ppl. etc what do u prefer?
but i still think 20 is too limited unless u both and ur parents are all only children with no siblings on any side whatsoever!! i think immediate blood relatives on both sides are usually happy and want to share the blessings and joy with the new couple.
it is ur money. but u n wife to be are about to start a new life together, and it should be with harmony on this one very key issue, coz girls like to dress up, and usually enjoy big events.
after that, even if u make ur own money, u shud try for a compromise between what ur parents and her parents say, because starting off the relationship with a fight with ur inlaws parents or ur parents is not a great idea. ure just creating a hostile environment for ur wife.
but yes, by all means, do put ur foot down at UNNESSECCARY invites. i think what is debatable is how much is unnecessary. this is where u shud try for a compromise. just blood relations? no kids under 12? etc etc.
but but but...just make sure ur wife to be agrees with u. if u two cant agree on a valima, how will u guys spend ur life together?
Lavish ceremonies gimme a break i’d opt for a cheap street party anyday Common guys what about when we used to be like really poor back in the days i’m sure weddings still took place you made do with what you had… i’m not against ceremonies but i am against obscene waste… modern shadee ceremonies are such a waste… eco Shadee now thats another thought…
Men dont care about these things, we know. Women do, we know that too.
That being said, consult with your fiance and come up with a plan between the two of you. Then, STICK to it.
You have options to cut costs:
Do a joint mehndi
Joint reception
If you really want to cut costs but still have a decent party...you will have to work for it my friend. Start contacting wholesalers for stuff so you dont have to pay someone to do a lavish backdrop (saves about $2500). Wholesalers for flowers (saves another $1000 or more most of the time).
But my advice is for you to have a chat with your fiance and hammer out a plan between you two. How many outfits can you afford, jewelry, valima, etc. Discuss it with her.
There really is no need for multiple functions like ubtan, dholki, mehndi, shadi, valima, chohtee etc. Go to mosque, do the nikkah, give a join reception and you are done. We waste so much money on these functions, cloths, makeup and jewlery without thinking about kids who look for food in trash and still could not find it. What will happen if you do all these functions anyway? people will come, eat and go back only to disucss how "watery the qoorma was" or how BBQ chicken was not properly done etc. Money saved, could be given to newly wed couple to kick-start their life....
You are right on the money, I'd say talk to your fiancee, your parents and her parents again. These are the people who matter for the rest? eik kaan sai sunoo, dosrey sai nikaloo
Only requirements of a Muslim shaadi are Nikkah and Waleema . You can do nikkah at home in a very simple manner , and can do a lavish Waleema . In this way you won't have to waste money on Mehndi and Barat that are not even required .
dude ... The only woman you need to listen to here is your fiance ...
rest is just background noise ....
life is only as complicated as you make it ...
i'm with you btw and yup I'm in midst of practicing what i just preached! :)
I've always found simple weddings to be the best. When I leave the reception hall, I won't remember who wore what(maybe unless it's highly inappropriate), I won't think twice about the table cloths, chairs, any other furniture, lighting or setting of the hall. The only thing that I'll care about is if I enjoyed the food and the company (in that order). That, and how long we had to wait for food. The greatest expense I'd want to incur for a wedding would be the food and I wouldn't want to be extravagant with that either.
dude ... The only woman you need to listen to here is your fiance ...
rest is just background noise ....
life is only as complicated as you make it ...
Sorry, but I call BS: I’m female and I hate ostentatious weddings more than Dr. LuLworth. I think nikkas should be small, private affairs and walimas should be staid, tasteful (by which I don’t mean ‘lacking in music, dancing and celebration’, but lacking in the garish ostentation that plagues so many Desi weddings) gatherings held amongst friends and/or family. Desi weddings seem less and less about celebrating a couple’s marriage and more and more about showing off their (or their family’s) means.
You should cut costs. BTW, 15 grand is nothing. Some of the weddings I've seen are ridiculously expensive, and it just makes you wonder what people are thinking, honestly.
Just get a decent sized hall, have a select number of invites, spend money on some decent food and call it a night.
Mehndis can be done at home, and really should be done at home...
You should cut costs. BTW, 15 grand is nothing. Some of the weddings I've seen are ridiculously expensive, and it just makes you wonder what people are thinking, honestly.
Just get a decent sized hall, have a select number of invites, spend money on some decent food and call it a night.
Mehndis can be done at home, and really should be done at home...
don't waste money on food, jewelery, clothes, etc.
for food, give everyone a coupon for a donut and a coffee at Tim Hortons. instead of wasting money on jewelry, clothes, etc, buy her some mutual funds - something that will actually increase in value. if someone wants to have their picture with you, charge them for the privilege. ask people to give you cash instead of giving you five identical blenders. and we're talking about hard cash - not checks (never trust desis with checks). make large families pay more for the cricket team of kids they bring along with them.
use the above techniques and you might end up net positive coming out of your wedding.
small walima just for family and friends at a nice restaurant.
job done.
we got away with nikkah only followed by walima dinner (same time, for all you n00bs who think it should be after consummation). we're happier than all the other people we know who got married in the last few years. because, surprise surprise, we (and our families) were more interested in the marriage than the wedding.
don't waste money on food, jewelery, clothes, etc.
for food, give everyone a coupon for a donut and a coffee at Tim Hortons. instead of wasting money on jewelry, clothes, etc, buy her some mutual funds - something that will actually increase in value. if someone wants to have their picture with you, charge them for the privilege. ask people to give you cash instead of giving you five identical blenders. *and we're talking about hard cash *- not checks (never trust desis with checks). make large families pay more for the cricket team of kids they bring along with them.
use the above techniques and you might end up net positive coming out of your wedding.
I know you're trying to be facetious and silly, but you **do **realize that every jackass here in the States now stipulates 'No boxed gifts please!' on the wedding invitation (i.e: bring cold hard cash or don't bother to show)?
That said, the dollar's been declining in value, so I'll probably be asking for gold or silver bullion at my shaadi.
gimme a break i’d opt for a cheap street party anyday 
Common guys what about when we used to be like really poor back in the days i’m sure weddings still took place you made do with what you had… i’m not against ceremonies but i am against obscene waste… modern shadee ceremonies are such a waste… eco Shadee now thats another thought…
