Funerals are interesting to observe if you’re not too touchy and understand the language. The second a person passes away, drama starts, everyone seems to have an opinion on everything that is supposed to be personal and private. Jaise, where is janazah supposed to be arranged? Going back to pak or staying? Food? Who’s crying and who’s being sarcastic, gossip etc etc. I’m not that touchy normally, that is if jahil ppl are creating problems, lekin khair. But what kind of ppl refuses to come to janazah if its held in a mosque they don’t like? I’ve seen ppl making it a ego problem and totally backing off providing zero moral support, cuz un ki be-izzati hui hai.
Going back home versus staying in the country someone has spent most of his/her life in, is a huge issue, I never knew. I love Pakistan but had my father not been in Pak I would choose to stay in Dk. Going back for fun etc is okay, but funerals are tricky business. You don’t cry there cuz of the loss, you put up a show so everyone is convinced that you loved. There are so many things you need to know and watch out for, too complicated for ppl with limited knowledge of culture, relatives and language.
Yeh sab tau khair theek hai, what’s been bothering me since the last funeral I’ve attended is, why we can’t respect ‘the family’? Siblings and others are not close enough to overrule children/wife/husband’s decision, its not about our ego, its only about those who’ve lost a parent/child. Gossip at funerals is always heard and it hurts, if you can’t respect you don’t need to be there.
think of it this way..these people will be in the same position oneday.
Then we’ll see how much gossip they have to spread.
But a lil off topic.. I worry about where to bury my parents too.
Not that Im looking foward to the day but I need to know..
I want to be in Pakistan … but my parents both say to bury them where ever the children can visit them… a very hard issue indeed.
:) We didn't have any discussion about Abu jee, as he wanted to be buried in a land jahaN 5 waqt azaan sunai de, that could not be in Dk. Discussion was on someone else's death, his children wanted him here while his family back home wanted him in Pak. Its great that some ppl are loved by their entire khandaan but respect the man's unwritten wish and his kids decision. Disappointment is usually cried out loud through the bain etc and you can feel changed attitude towards the main family. This is supposed to be the time, you need your family and friends more than ever.
Muniya, if your parents want to be close to you, respect their wish :) If they change their minds, be prepared for a shock went you land.
Surly, we're all going to die some day, but I wouldn't want to hear gossip on anyone's funeral. You don't forget them. Some families don't allow you to recite kalma on the first day, which is a good way to stop most of the gossip.
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*Originally posted by sabah: *
:) ... Some families don't allow you to recite kalma on the first day, which is a good way to stop most of the gossip.
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I went to a funeral just a month or two ago, I was totally shocked to see the Marhoom's sisters talking about him and his wife in a very disrespectful manner. They were blaming the wife for not telling them (the sisters) about his beemarey. I mean Allah Maaf Karey, Qayamat geerey thi aunty or unn ki beetiyo purr, main samjh saktey hoon kai unnh ka saloqq kuch acha nahi tha apney behnoo sai lekin moqqa dekh kurr baat kurtey hain.
Khair, the aunty took care of them as soon as she got done with the funeral.
funerals in pakistan have become more of a function than a few moments to pay respect to the deceased..
when my nani ma passed away, she was one of the eldest and most known among her family, and hence there were a lot of people comnig from all over to pay their respects... instead people turned up in hundreds.. sat around the house asking my cousins "seven up hai?" when offered water or coke... its not a restaurant for goodness sakes!
then there were issues over taking photos of my nani ma or not (we were all over here and my mum was going to miss out on the janaza...) so people said a lot of crap about that.. then there were issues about not enuff food.. oh and to top it all off.. people started squabbling about who was gonna get what after my nani ma's death..
i honestly do not understand the mentality of people
Also, Have you noticed the way Upper class Aunties dress to the funeral. Matching shoes, matching lipstick, matching purse, I mean You name it and they are wearing it. orr ha how can I forget the Gold and diamond earings and necklace. Show off
I showed up in a simple suit while the Aunties were on a fashion show. Sad!
my dad's maamu passed away and since he was the one in whose home my father grew up (since my dad's unle had no children so my dad was kind of adopted)....
my dad goes to pakistan for his funeral....
he was the councellor of the area and a popular figure so a huge funeral was expected....
turned out that far too many people were attending hence the funeral venue was changed to a huge empty ground which cud accomodate that many people....
after the funeral my dad had to wait there so the funeral attendants cud come for the afsos usually a galay milna and some words of condolences (my dad's uncle had no son so my father was to handle all the things)....
and guess what....
someone takes the opportunity and gets away with my father's wallet....
some pick-pocket....
so he loses his ID cards, his membership cards and all such sort of things....
not to mention that 30,000 or so pakistani rupees he had with him....
Muniya and AKA, erm, you know kalma paRhna sawa laakh dafa? Dunno if it’s a Punjabi thing, usually you have a sack full of red kidney beans, so when ppl visit for condolence they usually recite kalma on a bowlful beans or so. Was that clear enough :o
Mahnoor, I can partly understand those sisters, everyone wants to at least have a chance to apologize one last time or tell them that you love them. But gossip can only damage the relationship.
Sadzz, food is always an issue. We have a tradition, if a man dies, his wife's maika will bring food for the first time. Else his brothers if parents are dead. Usually we adhe desi andhe angrez make a blunder at this stage. No one expects or gets any 'meetha paani', even if someone asks, it’s a plain no. Usually ppl test your intelligence at funerals, I wouldn't even get passing marks.
Re. the fashion disaster aunties, we have a few like those. One is simply too dumb so no one minds her, I call her madam aqalmand. Then there was this other who'd dress up especially for the occasion so when her husband died, ppl were almost wearing their wedding outfits, her dress code has improved since.
Army, pooch ke jaana tha na, experts would tell you to remove any accessories, money etc when you land and right after janaza. I thought ppl were making up stories till I saw it, quite interesting.
F&B, I've seen that thread before, it’s the same on this side of the border. A shame really.
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*Originally posted by sabah: *
Muniya and AKA, erm, you know kalma paRhna sawa laakh dafa? Dunno if it’s a Punjabi thing, usually you have a sack full of red kidney beans, so when ppl visit for condolence they usually recite kalma on a bowlful beans or so. Was that clear enough :o
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yeh hon I know of that too.. but you said families dont let them due to gossip Im not getting the connection. :(
I guess at my grandfather's funeral, I was one of "those" people that you are describing. I was very young then but I was appalled at the lack of decorum by some relatives. The displays of grief turned into a sporting contest where some relatives were practically trying to outdo each other. It was comical, a scene out of a bollywood movie. One of the worst offenders, not surprisingly, was my drama queen aunt. Man o' man, the lady deserves an oscar for her performane. I lost a great deal of respect for her and many like her then. However, there were a handful of others who were splendid even in grief, and by no means were they hurting less than the drama kings/queens.
When my latest relations died we were unfortunately a long way off. However I can still remember watching the funeral movie and being near to appaled at the untasteful acting and the almost narcistical attitude and mind set poeple were in when trying to perform their grief.
When people were not shocked at her death they still wailed like banshees.
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*Originally posted by mahnoor@lahore: *
Also, Have you noticed the way Upper class Aunties dress to the funeral. Matching shoes, matching lipstick, matching purse, I mean You name it and they are wearing it. orr ha how can I forget the Gold and diamond earings and necklace. Show off
I showed up in a simple suit while the Aunties were on a fashion show. Sad!
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ahh...so true
When my uncle passed away, I was the only one from my family to attend his funeral as my whole family happens to be in different coutries and all couldn't arrange their flights in accordance with the funeral. When i went there, I was given the utmost respect since I happen to be the only one from the deceased's family except his children and wife. The moment i reached there, all started talking to me about the khana peena and daigs of biryani to be arranged in ** soyem**. It was evident that they cared less about the funeral. And as witnessed, there were far less people at the funeral site than the gossipers prior to the funeral. Me and deceased's children unanimously agreed to not have the soyem and chaleeswaan and it turned to be okay but i did hear very much about me and his family for not performing the flawed traditional rituals and failing to bury the deceased one islamically. They talked about us to the extent that we will not be pardoned till eternity but one important point to notice was that no one showed up when we were taking these decisions and no one said anything related and all of a sudden, we hear this out of the blues. Oh well, Allah knows well.
When my Dad passed away (it was sudden) all the ladies converged to our flat in an hour or two - it's small. They took up every place available I guess. And then there was a "Bannnngg!!!" the manji (bed) collapsed and all the fat ladies who were sitting on it went down as well.
I wanted all the ladies to disappear from our home.
I hate it when I see women dressed nicely when they come to a home where someone has passed away.
a very hard issue indeed.