I used to ask my parents why most desis of the older generation don’t tend to hug or tell their kids they love them and they answered ‘we don’t need to show off’ 
Re: Desi parenting ish-style
^ lol, i've seen someone say this as well. They also said that saying 'thank you' after receiving a gift was a stupid western tradition and a way to show off. Thank God my family is not like this.
Re: Desi parenting ish-style
^ Lol, on the whole my parents are really broad-minded but there are still some remnants of that old-school desiness which they hold onto even when there is no logic behind it..
That 'thankyou' thing is really funny, reminds me a bit of when my brother told me that in Bangladesh when ur at a traffic junction, unlike over here where u flash to say 'u go first' or 'thanks' they flash to say 'don't u dare go first cos I am'..
I do 3 and 4 and I don't know how to stop.
I think parenting via guilt trips works really well. (help me please)
3 and 4 is called shame and guilt act and it's actually recommended to do in traditional Islam and other societies.
hopes the Western Wanna be's don't kill me
Re: Desi parenting ish-style
Ms Hareem!! Wow, how nice to see you here! I missed you! Will PM you soon!
Actually, the most infamous guilt-trippers are typically Catholic lol!
I am not Catholic, actually I'm on a search for a religion and have been for quite some time...but anyway, I try not to use guilt on my boys. But inevitably, I resort to it sometimes. Because it works. But I wouldnt go into the whole "I gave my life for you" type of thing...i leave it to lesser guilt-trips like "I made this food for you, it was hard work to make it and I made it because I love you and it will keep you healthy.." yadayada
You do what you gotta do yeah?
come again!! 
3 and 4 is called shame and guilt act and it's actually recommended to do in traditional Islam and other societies.
hopes the Western Wanna be's don't kill me
no offence intended but would you please quote the reference for this statement?
Re: Desi parenting ish-style
^ yeah, i'm confused.
isn't shame as in haya what is taught in Islam, as in, "dress modestly and don't flirt shameless with the boy next door", and not shame as in "i'm going to make you feel like **** because you won't do what i asked you to even though i gave birth to you and it was really painful"?
Re: Desi parenting ish-style
I probably won’t be able to describe in my own words but what I heard from my Shaykh Hamza Yusuf Hanson and he explanes it beautifully and I’d like to share it with you guys so please spare your 10to15 minutes for this video to listen to.
Please start listening from 5;33
and until 5:10
Ms Hareem!! Wow, how nice to see you here! I missed you! Will PM you soon!
Actually, the most infamous guilt-trippers are typically Catholic lol!
I am not Catholic, actually I'm on a search for a religion and have been for quite some time...but anyway, I try not to use guilt on my boys. But inevitably, I resort to it sometimes. Because it works. But I wouldnt go into the whole "I gave my life for you" type of thing...i leave it to lesser guilt-trips like "I made this food for you, it was hard work to make it and I made it because I love you and it will keep you healthy.." yadayada
You do what you gotta do yeah?
Just got your message, I'll write a reply soon inshaallah.
Hope you'll like the video as it explanes fully what I was trying to say. :)
Re: Desi parenting ish-style
holy crap...i wrote so much. i was really mad that day plus i drank coffee! i posted like 30 times that nite i sound so pissed too lol. my dad isn't really THAT bad even though he does do all those things. thanks NJ masti for your good wishes though.
as for the ppl who think "thank you" is fake, i can understand. like "i love you", in western society, people say polite words so much that it sounds trite after a while. Also "thank you" can sound like you think you're like a king gracing a subject with thanks (to desi ppl)...for example, it's like if someone says "shabash" to me even though it's a compliment, i get annoyed cuz im like "tum kaun ho mujhe shabash dene wale?"..u know what i mean. the other day i cleaned the kitchen and my mom said "thanks", i was like "GRR dont say thanks! its jus somethin i do!"..i guess im just weird. However i did say thanks a lot at work, but it's just habitual. like im not really thankful that the person made a purchase, mera kya jaata hai? lol.
as for ilu, my mom never says "i love you" but even other people say to her that she is a very loving mom so her love is clear, and stronger than small words. i've only said it once...and it was so much more meaningful than the flippant "omg ily" fake messages people send all the time.
Re: Desi parenting ish-style
I love you–i feel awkward saying that with friends and parents…otherwise with hubby, i love it when he says I love u 
Thank yous–do that w everyone xcept my parents 
AND i’d find it weird if they said/did the same thing too.
Re: Desi parenting ish-style
one thing i absolutely HATED growing up was my dad comparing results of me and my brother (we r 10 mnths apart and studied same classes together). my dad wouls quite openly favor me for him and i always felt guilty...i promise not to do that nor let hubby do that.
my mum was ALWAYS going on about wat would people say? loads of stuff would be happening in thier households but my mum ignored that and if we (for eg) got a c grade, mum would be like ómg, wat will peple say? we have a stupid child" nasty thing to live for the world....
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- Use negative pyschology on kids such as "tumhara kya hoga, tum to jhaRoo lagana school key bahir!"
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Yes to this one and NO to others. Specially if he is spending too much time on other activities and are not being responsible as far as homework etc is concerned.
Kids being kids, they are not so keen on eating veggies, so we have to tell them how they should be thankful to Allah both by eating the veggies and by saying thanks that Allah have given them such a good food and that there are many kids in the world who dont get anything to eat for whole day or even more.......
as for the ppl who think "thank you" is fake, i can understand. like "i love you", in western society, people say polite words so much that it sounds trite after a while. Also "thank you" can sound like you think you're like a king gracing a subject with thanks (to desi ppl)...for example, it's like if someone says "shabash" to me even though it's a compliment, i get annoyed cuz im like "tum kaun ho mujhe shabash dene wale?"..u know what i mean. the other day i cleaned the kitchen and my mom said "thanks", i was like "GRR dont say thanks! its jus somethin i do!"..i guess im just weird. However i did say thanks a lot at work, but it's just habitual. like im not really thankful that the person made a purchase, mera kya jaata hai? lol.
as for ilu, my mom never says "i love you" but even other people say to her that she is a very loving mom so her love is clear, and stronger than small words. i've only said it once...and it was so much more meaningful than the flippant "omg ily" fake messages people send all the time.
i'm sorry, but i just don't understand this. saying "thank you" is only as superficial or condescending as the person its coming from and the tone of voice its said in. i can only think no one has ever offered you sincere thanks for doing something nice for them?
normally, its a really nice thing to say to someone when they've done something for you, big or small, like held the door open while you struggle through with both hands full, or when someone lets you cut in front of them at a roadblock, or when your mom makes you dinner night after night, for a big chunk of your life. believe me, she might not admit it initially, but she would love that thanks forever.
its showing someone you appreciate their effort/consideration and is a crucial part of life and manners. does the same apply to "please" or is that considered fake too?
as for "i love you", i admit, it doesn't come naturally in desi culture, esp. between parents and kids, which is a real shame, but being able to tell someone that you love them without feeling embarassed about it, is an incredibly powerful feeling. i remember how i felt when my then-bf/now-husband said it to me, and i'm grateful that every phone call with my parents ends with "love you" now. life is too short and while i know that the people i say "love you" to already know that i love them, i want to make sure i make that extra connection by voicing the words out loud.
it makes you feel good about yourself, it makes you feel whole in a way that grand gestures simply don't.
try it! you won't be disappointed! :)
Hey i definitely do say ‘thanks’ if someone opens the door for me or lets me cut them in line…cuz im genuinely happy they did. but im not a fan of things like cash registers in stores with little stickers on them which say, “Smile. Thank the customer for their purchase.” gross. ppl say this with a friendly tone, but i dont like people telling me ‘thanks’ as part of a script. i
as for desis not saying thanks that much… if you live in Pakistan for 4-6 months, you will see that they are polite in a different way. just cuz they are polite in a diff way that doesn’t mean they are not polite overall.
Since one can express politeness through verb tenses and endings there [ex. “Tu zaroor aa vs. Aap zaroor aayega”], words like ‘please’ do not specifically have to be added as they are clear in the word form.
so in English, i definitely do say ‘thanks’ and ‘please’ a lot more since we don’t have different forms of address like ‘tum’ or ‘aap’.
as for “i love you”…yes mr lover def said this to me a few times and i was like instamoosh. but if he said it everyday, i wouldn’t mind but it would lose its instamoosh quality. like it more when he only says it in those truly mooshy moments.
but if my brother said “i love you” to me, i would be like “what ..are you ok”. u can call it sad or whatever but im too desi here. i feel more loved when he calls me ‘skeletor’ or ‘baj’ cuz i know he made those names specifically for me. so no “i love you” for my bro tonight; i don’t want him to dive out of the window 
Re: Desi parenting ish-style
^ lol fair enough!
My mum uses 3 & 4 like most desi parents I assume.
I dont like it. Its annoying. And when I was younger, it really use to annoy me a lot. In my case it was never about school, because I was a very good student indeed. My mother doesnt know the language of the country we live in and my dad had his own buisness so he was mostly away so the everyday homework and stuff was something I had to do on my own. I knew once I was home there was no one to help me out so I paid extra attention in class and even if I didnt understand it I understood it once I was home, because my brain worked over-time. I really think it suffered from that :p now its pretty slow hehe ... anywayz to the point .. my mum uses 3 & 4 mostly regarding house-work.
From age 8 I use to help around in the house. and from age 12 I pretty much did most of the things. By age 14 I did everything at home *(cooking, cleaning, laundary.. basically everything). But when my mum got mad about something her fav sentence would always be "*logon ki betiyan to yeh karti hain woh karti hain, apni maa ko itna aram deti hain" .. "log to pura pura ghar apni betiyon ke hawale kar dete hain" bla bla .. and when I was younger it somehow motivated me to do more, because I wanted to show her that I was a good daughter. But as I grew older and the more I realized that "logon ki betiyan" actually did close to **nothing at home and the fact that my mother actually knew this but still used those sentence to "hurt" me, made me frusterated and angry with her. Actually slowly I started doing less to make her feel my worth and she has felt it and she does acknowledge it, but then again when she is mad, its the old rotten sentences again. When you hear them you dont wanna do anything at all. I know when I wont be here, my mum will learn it the hard way, but I would prefer she doesnt, because she is my mother after all. At the same time I want her to find me a girl who from age 14-20 has gonne to school/college/uni, done well and done all the house chores as well and I wont feel "hurt" by her words...