Just want to preface this by facing - 'mid-life' is ironic here, as I am using typical desi standards of ''mid-life'' (I am 26).
So, I am getting to that all too familiar stage of a desi girl's life where everyone is questioning me on marriage. All my friends and cousins around me are either seriously dating, engaged, married or married with kids (multiple kids which I personally could not even fathom right now). I am JUST jumping into my career pathway seriously (after finishing my masters and study abroad, etc.) and marriage is not in my top three to do.
Tbh I am not even dating, I am open to it, but I find it hard to meet someone who understands that I want to work (forever, not until someone decides I only a baby making machine and a mother only). Someone with a similar mindset...
Anyway, wondering if anyone has/is/worried about going through this. I feel so confused, I know I cannot just ignore good work opportunities that are coming up now (that will really help me in the future) to just sit around waiting for someone or something that doesn't even exist for me right now (I feel the pressure to do this a lot these days). Someone that - here is hoping not - won't even appear. But at the same time I can't shake this feeling of being very behind on the whole getting engaged/married train. Maybe I am just comparing too much? Letting the pressure get to me?
Mocho thinking.. too much self-pressure. just calm down and relax. 26 is the age where you aspire to build up your career. Be a powerful woman. Study more if you want. This rishta thingy will come all along. Dont wait for it. And they’ll come more frequent when you aint even thinking about it. Chill and enjoy the every moment of independence you got. Thats all.
Focus on what you personally want and stick to it. If you fall pressure to what society/parents/whoever think you should be doing you might shoehorn yourself into a marriage, and getting married for the sake of getting married does not end well. Marriage when it is done wrong can be extremely draining and you don’t want to be in your actual middle age regretting you didn’t chase your goal that you built up all this momentum to.
You can start looking…all people telling you it will happen naturally and bla bla is just bleh…
making up your mind about what you want in a partner, actively looking, filtering, grading, introductions, meet ups, communication, rejection…all that takes time…and its part and parcel of this process for majority of people (unless you believe in movies or have an example of just one out of 100 people you know who met someone incidentally and married them and lived happy ever after)…
So my advice, you can start the process now…if someone ticks the boxes you can agree to marry at a later date…nothing lost there…
If you start 5 years down the line, the process gonna still take time…and then this feeling of ‘left behind’ will be many times stronger…since you will be 30 and its a matter of fact that options get more and more limited (whether you like it or not…it is what it is)…
I want to be realistic about what you are facing, because I was there myself. In our desi society, if you care about your career and have a strong sense of the kind of person you want to marry (which falls outside of what average guys are like), unfortunately, you are going to have a hard time.
I was in your shoes not too long ago. I had not completed my masters yet, but was building on work experience to get into a masters program. I absolutely was not going to marry someone who wasn’t going to let me be me (including space for my career, no imposed gender roles etc). I was very resolute in that, despite there being lots of lonely and stress-filled nights (and days). When everyone around you is getting married, your friends have kids over 5 years old, the entire family is constantly asking about your shadi etc., it gets VERY difficult.
It honestly sucks. So I would say give yourself the space to recognize that those feelings make sense given the social context. Take care of yourself. You are not on an easy journey, but a worthwhile journey. You might second guess your decisions around career, but if it brings your life fulfillment, don’t let it go. Your life is your life, only you get to live it. If you are not happy, you won’t have a happy marriage either.
I met my husband after I got into my masters program. He came as a breath of fresh air in my life - so different from most men I had dated and/or had rishtas of.
I would say keep working on your career, and also put yourself out there. Go meet people. You deserve to be with someone who makes your life easy just by being in it.
^ Cogent logic. Job, career blah blah all nonsense. You should work to live not live to work. Finding happiness in your life is more important. No matter what you do at your career they will replace you on day two - should you get hit by a bus. However if your work/career gives you satisfaction (I fail to see that personally) beyond family then yes - why not. Plenty of single women in corporate America that work 24-7 and make excellent employees.
Dip your toes in the water…if you don’t like the temperature don’t go in. Only thing to add is it is a lot harder finding a guy in your 30’s than it is in your 20’s. But really it depends on your personal expectations of what you’re looking for.
If you do bother considering looking at a rishta, be picky as hell. You need to make sure that him and his family are teek taak. You don’t need a dude that will switch up and side with his annoying ass mother after marriage. Hell, you don’t even want an annoying ass MIL in the first place. Be extremely vigilant when observing for red flags and don’t be afraid to cut off a dude if it is not working out. If you stick with career aspirations make sure you end up with a dude that has the same ideas about work/family you do. Let’s face it, if you both work you will truly need someone to split the work 50/50. Not 75/25 or 90/10 which is what seems to happen a lot. You don’t want to be a woman who works, who does the bulk of childrearing (if you have kids), and who does the bulk of the housework. You will be miserable with that set up. In the end, if you somehow click with no one and end up single and become a gasp single over 30 woman—it’s better than shoehorning yourself into a marriage with just any dude, popping out kids you may/may not be too enthusiastic about, bend over backwards to in-laws (+your husband), and be completely overworked.
Pursue your career goals, but also continue searching for a guy that meets your needs because it is a bleak reality that the rishta scene becomes more challenging as you grow older.
You just completed your Master’s Degree and so it’s natural to feel empowered, to feel that rush/high that comes with the accomplishment of a major goal. It’s totally understandable. However, we don’t remain in the same state of mind indefinitely. Human nature is such that we tend to make grand claims about all the things we will do ..and won’t do…if we were in such n’ such a situation. And often times we find ourselves doing the exact opposite of our claims when we find ourselves in that situation (marriage, parenthood, etc etc). I remember a time when I turned my nose up at the idea of not working. But now I feel that if (hypothetically speaking) I had young child that was dependent upon me, I’d rather raise my child and my job can take a backseat because I personally don’t savor the idea of putting my child in a daycare where he/she will be watched by a woman whose attention will be split among other children …when I can give my child greater attention at home. The point is that one’s thought process and priorities can and do change as they go through different phases of life…so we have to weigh the long-term and short term pros and cons…and our choices may also have to factor the well-being of those that are dependent upon us. With that said, try to keep your own mind flexible and look for a guy that meets your requirements, but who also knows how to be flexible.
Lastly, OP, you will not be able to determine if your future spouse can do a 50-50 split prior to actually living with him under the same roof. The truth is that it’s impossible to have a perfect 50-50 demarcation in any relationship at all times. There will be days when you are sick or busy or simply not up to it, and your partner will be the one to take care of the household chores and the kids and on those days it may feel like a 60-40. There may be certain skills (cooking, etc) that your partner may not be be good at and which you might have to tend to…but then your spouse might compensate for that deficiency by taking care of other responsibilities toward the marriage/home.
You know I have always thought this, I won’t lie, but the older I am getting I feel like I can be picky but not over silly things either (I mean looks or habits wise). But yes, finding a man who respects the fact that I have a drive for a successful career is key.
Yes this is all true. You always give the best responses red
But I can’t help but linger on you finding your husband post masters - I haven’t been on a decent date. I struggle to even meet anyone, I know I shouldn’t compare, but I can’t help it…
Get on muzmatch, you’ll have guys throwing them selves at you… I won’t say they are ‘quality’ guys…but guys none the less. And if you do find a quality guy, good luck getting him to commit.
