Desi Independent Woman

Arts & Culture Culture, Arts, Literature & Linguistics
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Desi independent woman is an oxymoron. shields himself from ganday unday and tamatar

The desi women I know who claim to be independent, do so on the whim that they work, drive their own car to work and can pay the bills. But I believe, it takes a lot more than that to be independent.

Here is an example. Couple of weeks ago, the single Mom who lives across thae street came to borrow my 6 ft. ladder. She mentioned that her fire alarm in the main hall is out of battery, thus chirping and driving her crazy. Knowing that she lives in one of those high ceiling floor plans I knew it will be a stretch for her to reach it, even after being on the top step of my measly ladder. I offered my help but she insisted she can handle it. She was back with the ladder in maybe fifteen minutes. I asked her how did it go and she told me that she got up to the top step but it was obviously out of reach, so she got her five year old son to climb up her shoulders while she climbed up the ladder and he helped her put the battery. Considering the fact that she must be in her forties and her son weighs at least 40+ pounds, I was impressed. Lets see … which of the forty year old desi aunties I know would even dream about doing this? NONE!

To give you another example, I had an old study table and a couch from my school days for sale and as the semester is about to start a girl from my own university called last night and asked if the stuff was still available. Anyway, so she comes over with her boy friend, looked at the stuff and decided to buy it. The sofa and the table was in my basement and it was a challenge to get the sofa out through the narrow door up the stairs. I offered to help but again she insisted she and her boy friend can take care of it. And in no time the two had the sofa loaded in the back of their SUV, then it took them both five minutes to dismantle the study table and put it all in. And while the guy was making sure that none of the nuts and bolts were missing, she got some strings out, tied them to the two doors, climbed up the roof of their vehicle, tied the knots, secured the table parts and they were out of there.

Now had it been any of the numerous Desi couples I know, buying the same stuff, I would have helped the poor dude and it would have been expected that I would help, while the woman talk, spectate our work and get acquainted.

So you tell me, am I wrong to say that independent desi women don’t exist or is it just wrong to expect that women should do a little more than bring home a pay check to consider themselves independent? Or is it wrong to even expect that women should be doing these things in the first place?

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Re: Desi Independent Woman

Why is it wrong for a woman to bring home a paycheck? At least she is doing honest work to make her own money which she doesn't have to feel guilty about spending on herself. And keeps her out of the home, so it might potentially delay the desi aunty insanity syndrome.

As for your other question - does it take more to be independent? Well, you can be financially independent. And you can be physically independent (not living at your folks' home, living alone, etc). And then you can be emotionally independent.

But I don't see how any of that has to do with ladies not taking the help you offered. That was their personal choice. Does it make them dependent that your help COULD have actually helped them out? I don't know if that's a viable connection.

You know, they might have refused your help because they didn't want to inconvenience you, rather than they thought they can do it because they're girls.

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Re: Desi Independent Woman

your days in gupshup are numbered now. :D

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Re: Desi Independent Woman

please do tell me what does being physically weak or inferior for a women has to do with being an independent desi woman? You cannot just judge a women's independence by looking at her physical strength. A women can very well gain some mucles and packs here and there, able to lift things that even you can't and but still relies on a man bring home a pay check? does that justify it for you

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Re: Desi Independent Woman

I think that in AJ's defense what he is referring to isn't about physical strength at all. It's about taking the initiative and being self-sufficient. Most girls brought up in the US to American parents are taught basic "survival" skills to help us get through life, because people here believe that one of the most important end results of child rearing is also self-sufficiency, and our culture is geard towards that. You won't see American mothers chasing around a 4 year old begging them to take a bite of food. That doesn't mean that we love our children any less, just that we are raising them not to be dependent on others.

As a result, I can pump gas, hang a picture, change a tire, change a fuse, cut the grass, carry heavy things, and do a multitude of other things, all without waiting for my husband. Does this make me more independent than most desi girls - yes, but then again, culturally speaking I had an enormous head-start, because I didn't grow up with someone doing every little thing for me.

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Re: Desi Independent Woman

Desi parents spoil their daughters rotten! Their pampering does them a terrible disservice and sets unrealistic expectations for their lives. It's no wonder that desi women find it difficult to adjust to an 'independent' lifestyle in the West/US.

>you got a headache? click this thread<
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Re: Desi Independent Woman

Good! That the responses I was looking for.

But as you guys discuss this, please don't put words in my mouth. For example, PCG, I didn't say there is anything wrong with woman bringing home a paycheck, on the contrary I have often encouraged it in other forums. I just questioned that does bringing home a check makes someone independent? And Jal_Pari, being generally called the physically weaker sex has nothing to do with being independent. It take the strength of a six year old to assemble any cheap furniture, yet I have helped many desans with that chore who refuse to even take a stab at it.

What I honestly want to discuss is that are Desi women independent? What does it mean to be independent to them? If being independent is better, how can desi women be more independent?

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Re: Desi Independent Woman

Oh for the most part, desi women are not independent. Like amana said, we've been raised having our parents do almost every little thing for us.

But then again, having skills like mending a broken tire, etc doesn't make one independent either. You can't just have rigid requirements like that. I can't lift heavy things, but its not because I'm sheltered. I just don't exercise that much because I'm a classic nerd. I can't mend things around the house all the time because my knowledge is of a different kind. Does that make amana more independent than me? I don't think so, because I bet there are things she can't do that I can.

Its all about being an individual. My point is that everyone has their abilities, and disabilities. You can't categorize someone being independent or not based upon some of the criterion you provided.

gabbar axepress
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Re: Desi Independent Woman

Generalizations, you just need to meet more desi girls not aunties. I am a spoilt brat but i can assemble, furniture, vacums and what-nots better than most guys. I will take a stab at things as long as its not gonna break my back or hurt me in which case i think its rather stupid. And I wouldn't risk my five year old sons safety just cuz i didnt wanna get help from someone else. And girls who are brought up in families where they are no brothers or the dad is old are pretty independent.

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Re: Desi Independent Woman

PCG, think about the abilities you have, were they innate or did you have to work at them? And why your set of abilities different from say some of your cousins in Pakistan. Is it that they were born fundamentally different or were they brought up in a different environment?

I don’t agree with LI or others who argue that desi girls are pampered by their parents. On the contrary, they are systematically taught skills that make them less likely to be economically, socially and emotionally independent.

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Re: Desi Independent Woman

I am not independent, tho I work, etc.

But I do have Pakistani American friends who are very independent, who would do all of the stuff you mentioned on their own. They do exist.

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Re: Desi Independent Woman

I might be having a brain fart, but I'm really not getting what your point is. Are my abilities innate? Some are, some are learned. Some came with practice. What does that have to do with me being dependent or independent? And while we're at it, what independance are we talking about? Independent from whom or from what?

And what do my Pakistani cousins have to do with it? I suppose you're talking about my female cousins. Well, I don't have many, and the ones I do are mostly younger than me. So I can't really judge their abilities. But some of the girls were raised traditionally, and some were not. So, dunno. But many of them are career women. One chose to stay at home, but she's also a female maulvi-type. And I don't even know if I can really answer that question, because sadly, I really don't know much about their abilities, except that some of them don't know how to dress.

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Re: Desi Independent Woman

I and my husband moved a 55 gallon fish tank, dinning table, sofas to our house. Our families are here and we did not get their help. I usually cut the grass, take the garbage out and change the car oil(my dad taught me) because he comes home very late. My husband won't let me do these things when he is at home and we always have an argument whenever i do these things alone. Just to let you know i do work full time and do have a 3yr old.
I think the way pakistani men and women are raised it seemed embarassing to have women do what men are suppose to do. Truly speaking i don't mind doing alot of things but it feels good when my husband does it.

calling all ugly people
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Re: Desi Independent Woman

you are not looking at the right type of people. Independence and desi can get along perfectly fine. we all need to be secure in ourselves, being peaceful in who we are.

i learnt driving in a a stick-shift/manual jeep from 1970s. and i still like suvs & jeeps. it does not make women less of a women.

a lot many times, in life, we need intelligence more, than false screwed up perceptions of what goes with what & whom... & due to whichever cultural misnomers, & stereotypes.

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Re: Desi Independent Woman

**Ahmadjee **i think it is absolutely wrong for a women to do such things and heavy many work .even if they are independant .
another point is desi women still do such things even they are independent. so this does not connect to independance anyways . it's a desi issue

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Re: Desi Independent Woman

When I was in highschool, I didn't know how to use the bus or know my way around many of the streets of my hometown. So one day I got on the bus and went downtown. As soon as I got my license, I forced myself to drive, even on the highway gasp. I realized how much my parents were holding me back and keeping me in a shell. I wanted so much to break out of that and be sulf-sufficient. Thank God I did or I'd never have survived living in NYC for so long. From my parents point of view, I was being protected. It was their duty.

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Its funny how sometimes their protection can put you at a disadvantage, at times.

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abay AJ, by your example of being indeoendent half of the desi who come to US. the spoiled pampered pompus mama's boys who cant live like civilized human beings and handle their own chores are also not independent right?

The type of desi guys whose wives have to cook a months orth of food for them before they go on a visit to see their family because nawab sahib cant boil an egg? and for these ladies to return and see their immaculate house turned into a pig sty in 4 weeks.

so, are desi guys independent?

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Re: Desi Independent Woman

Also i would like to add that most of desi married women / girls living in pakistan r not independent like those living in U.S , U.K, Canada b/c they proudly prefer to stay home "BY CHOICE" while being provided with all necessities no matter for that they get abused both verbally and physically at hands of their husband ...... rather than stepping out of house ( even to threw garbage, get some subzi or drive a car or for work ) and getting nasty comments or may be a sweet touchy whistle or a disgusting mouth drooling glance from an evil brat passing by ..................................................... those women /girls being physically strong and competitive do wanna get independent , do wanna go for work but waiting for a substantial solution to tackle with their So- CALLED & ENFORCED DEPENDENCY .......... may be AJ u can come up with some solution for them:-)

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^ I always thought that judicious use of a can of pepper spray and
"one tight slap" would go a long way towards reducing eve teasing in Pakistan. If women didn't put up with it and fought back men wouldn't do it.