dealing with insecurities and low self esteem

Lifestyle Relationships
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1

i just married this most amazing girl ever!! (literally).

but she is suffering from a lot of insecurities about her looks. and she cannot stop getting depressed comparing herself with my ex.

so much so that it is affecting our marriage and we are losing the feeling of newly weds!! Ramadan is also not helping…

any ideas on how i can approach her or end her complex and comparison with the ex?

2

Re: dealing with insecurities and low self esteem

It's natural to feel insecure; it can happen to the strongest person. Maybe you discussed your ex at great length in the past and that's why she feels more conscious about how she measures up or compares to her. And if you were with your ex for a long time, or if you and ex came close to marriage or a commitment, or if ex was what you consider to be your 'first love,' then these are all factors that can create insecurity especially if your wife herself didn't have any profound past relationships of her own. Again, it's natural.

If you talk about your ex a lot, then I would suggest that you stop doing that. No need to share what ex did, or didn't do, or what she liked or disliked. No need to criticize the ex because it can be said that even trashing your ex shows that she's still on your mind. No need to even mention all the ways in which wife is sooooo much better than your ex because when you start doing even a favorable comparison, it can trigger a comparison in wife's mind. It can make her think that if he's comparing me to her then he must still think about her. Just reassure her that you love her without drawing comparisons, focus only on her. And if she is in the habit of initiating the 'ex files,' then bring up her tendency cuz she may not be aware of it. Tell her that you you find the subject of ex boring as you have moved on ages ago and that you don't think she's worth even thinking about, much less discussing. That discussing ex so often only robs you both of time and energy that could be used to strengthen the marriage and to focus on each other.

3

Re: dealing with insecurities and low self esteem

Get her in counselling, should help.

4

Re: dealing with insecurities and low self esteem

Why is she comparing herself to your ex? If you're talking about her or bringing her up, stop it.

Re-assure your wife about how much she means to you.

Pretty strange scenario this.

5

dealing with insecurities and low self esteem

How does she even know where to begin to compare herself to your ex.. Stop discussing yohr past with her. Feeding her info is going to make her insecure. Well already has. You need to work on reassuring her and make sure she feels it js just the both of you and not your past also. Weird.

6

Re: dealing with insecurities and low self esteem

Is she pregnant? Hormones can wreak havoc on one's personality too.

7

Re: dealing with insecurities and low self esteem

tell her that your "ex" is your "ex" because she was not better than your wife.

Appreciate and praise her for little things she do for you. Insecurities dont just vanish, it will take sometime and you have to be there for her. Be persistent.

8

Re: dealing with insecurities and low self esteem

I am going to be very honest. I married a divorcee and never been so happy. But sub-conciously i was comparing myself to her ex. We actually had long chat about this and discussed openly what was bothering me. Nevertheless, she re-assured me that she is happy with me and wouldn't ever compare me to her ex. And she said, ex is ex for a reason.

Lighter note!. Many congrats to your wedding. May Allah always keep you and your wife happy. Just address her issue openly. Re-assure your support and love. Marriage requires so much patience. Also remember, 1st year or two are very tough for marriage. Do not ever think of giving up. Bless you brother!.

9

Re: dealing with insecurities and low self esteem

pay for her plastic surgery