The shock has happened, the outburst of tears, deep rooted pain right in the mid of the chest, that hurts unlike any other, heavy dull motionless moments come and go. Getting ready for work wasn't easy this morning. My brain has developed a new sense that gets triggered with every little robotic morning routine and makes it conscious and hard to do. This new sense is pain but not physical. It runs fast as it can run years on the memory lane in a split second. It picks a time when he was born and learned how to read before he turned 3. He was a dream child in looks and brains. He didn't deserve it. No matter how bad his choices were, he didn't deserve it, neither did his parents or siblings to live with a forever wound that bleeds till eternity and hurts like someone just gashed at multiple times. The pain is unbearable. I can't understand what to tell myself to cope. How to make sense out of this delusive reality.
This a way for me to deal with my pain. Like finding an old friend and cry on their shoulder.
No one prepares for a thing like such, when you raise your little kid working day in and day out. Your only possible outcomes for your child are either extremely success or successful in their future. You never imagine that all your hours of hard work, days of routines with school and sports, weeks and weekends with little activities and years and years of memorable birthdays, graduations, honors and certificates will only haunt you as painful memories. You question WHY? without gettin an answer you keep questioning. You then are forced to make peace with the pain and submit. The cycle continues...
Day 1 is definitely slightly different than day 2 since the crushing demon arrived and sat in as an uninvited guest next to my soul. To keep my sanity I just recite and continually do it until I get the courage to breath normal again. Thoughts of what he might be going through with a naive childlike heart. Where is he going to gather the courage to live on.
Never have I ever.... cried like a hungry beggar of days... in my shower. Have you? This was my only choice. I was getting choked up on little emotional sad scenes watching my TV show. Had to let it all out. A hint of anger also showed its face while I flipped the chair in my bedroom that was hogging the space for my prayer perfectly angled next to the fire. Damn that chair! I wondered if she... who's pain might be ten times more than mine, might be getting angry throwing or breaking things. She is holding herself up for the other two. She asked me last time we spoke... Were we that bad to deserve such a punishment? I had no answer.
i'm very sorry to know that you are going through some very tragic pain. But if you can tell more clearly may be it'll be better to understand? But only if you want to.
May ALLAH make it easy for you and your family and help you in any tough times you may be going through
May Allah grant you peace and resolve all your problems soon; Amin.
You write beautifully, MashaAllah se, in the way that an author would. You have described the minutest of details in a flowery manner and I marvel (baffled as well) at how you are able to manage this in spite of your immense grief....?
All that we can do is make dua for you. We are unable to offer any suggestions because you have remained deliberately vague about your predicament from one post to the next.
Day 3 I am able to laugh at my daughter's jokes, but I have bursts of anger on why my daughter stayed on her phone for hours. I'm angry and setting new rules for her on phone use. I am angry and afraid for this might happen to any one at any time including my own children. I am trying to imply the lecture I gave sis yesterday on becoming dirt, accept and submit. Be dirt and accept what destiny wrote for all of us. I have moments of a sainthood where I want to whirl and wear that garland of extreme pain in my neck and praise God while whirling in joy. Accept the pain, bear the pain and praise God. Forget the meaning of... no mix the feeling of pain and joy, turn it into one... the one and only One.
These stages so far are all still part of stage one because I am 400 miles away from all this. I am only able to talk on the phone and gather all of their perspectives. I am death-striken afraid of when I will have to see him and meet them. Ma has severe ups and downs. Yesterday she was strong as a sturdy pillar supporting us all but today she sounded shattered. It adds to the pain when she is broken. She is too old to bear all this. A huge cause of all this might be the daily arguments on every little thing, and huge fights here in there between his mother and father. Ma blames the mother for not knowing her son, hiding his slip-ups and blunders and feeding evil in his brain against his father. That continued for years and the poor boy became a victim of his own wrong choices. Today Ma told me that they were arguing again. I want to simply go there and slap the shi*** out of both. I used to think that they argue because they love each other after a marriage of 23 years. Who knew their first born, loving caring perfect boy will end up like this. I wish i never knew this word. It repeats itself in my head loud as a deep mouthed roar of thunder - Phedophile -
My hands and my whole body shook as I typed. I will never ever recover.
aap sensitive hein
bhlai ka soch bhi lati hongi ...
... aam halat mein atni jazbati nahi jitni aap ki tehreer mein nazar aa rahi hai (makhsoos halat ki bat alag hai).
hummm yeh jo different colors ka phailao nazar ata hai ..
ho sakta hai aap kisi art gallary mai kaam karti hon ... yeh bhi ho sakta hai aap khud artist hon.
aap ka adaz bata raha hai aap desi hein ... yahan desi se murad desi mein gehra saNwla rang. light skin mein yeh andaz nahi paya jata.
aap me mushkil halat ka moqabla karne ki bohut sakat hai dosron se ziyada.... halanke aap ke janne walay aisa nahi samjhte .... ho sakta hai aap physically halki hon ya aap ka impression aisa ho.
They are all dealing with a mix of anger and agony at this point. They met with more lawyers today to not much hope. He was actually lured into this crime by detectives under fake online profiles. But the law determines he still did it. The law is too strict to differentiate a criminal from a 'kid of mine' - No kid of mine could be a criminal. No 21 year old is clarified the severity of choosing words in an online chat with a minor. He didn't have a clue what he was getting himself into. How could they mark him as a heinous criminal that can not come near children for the rest of his life. Every one reading please make dua for him. We need a miracle for him.
We are all working together to compile statements and facts to plea against the charges. Statements from grandparents aunts and uncles, cousins showing the other side of his character that the detectives are trying to smear with allegations. Feelings wise, I am at a stillness. I try to see future and imagine a vast desert thats still. Had to put a happy face on for in-laws' engagement ceremony. Two hour long drive was a good time to live with just my pain, feel it, tear up then wipe em off. Argit's romantic songs were making me think of him. My soul is in a constant begging position with joined palms, begging God for his freedom. I imagine how I would hold his hands and cry tears of joy for as long as eternity when I see him. I'll tell him that he lives in the center of my heart.