Dealbreakers

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: Dealbreakers

Tells you how important FB has become.

Girls are willing to move to another place where they may be away from their own family for long periods of time, but are not willing to relinquish male friends over FB.

22

Re: Dealbreakers

Would you be happy if your wife/husband insulted your boss or your work colleagues? Told all your female/male (whatever your preference is) work colleagues that they were all hoes and needed to get lost because you don't trust them not to be after you. As if you wouldn't lose your cool.

23

Re: Dealbreakers

^That just proves my point. Why wud u give FB that much importance? WHy are the work colleagues on FB. I dont add work colleagues to FB, if anyone asks, I tell them its for far off contacts, whom you won't see otherwise in person. Does not seem to affect my work.

24

Re: Dealbreakers

One is an odd number, the first and last time I checked.

25

Re: Dealbreakers

University friends become your colleagues, your seniors become your supervisors, your TAs become your bosses. Facebook started before my university life did so it's a natural progression. And not everyone has a job where contacts don't matter. For girls who cannot and will not go out for late night meals with all the boys from the office this is the easiest way of keeping tabs without being completely excluded. (and I can promise you when it becomes an all boy gang it's very easy to exclude girls)

26

Re: Dealbreakers

^Too bad then, if parties, late night meals and stuff are required for career progression or success in a job. Hope you will find a better one where only work matters.

27

Re: Dealbreakers

I'm in IT. If you can't avoid human contact (online or being in the same room kind) in that then I can't imagine which kind of job requires none. Long distance truck driving?

28

Re: Dealbreakers

I am in Healthcare which requires more human contact than most jobs, but to be FB buddies or be in the social loop of boss or buddies is not required for my career, it's only work and skill that counts.

29

Re: Dealbreakers

^It's not required in most jobs but obviously having extra contacts and increased exposure can be a great help.. For many people working in business and in the private sector it can be invaluable to be on good terms with similar people and part of a wider circle..

(Also, not everyone has a distinct line between their work and home life.. Mine overlaps quite a bit so a lot of the people I work with I also know on a personal level and I like to keep in contact with them via social media)

30

Re: Dealbreakers

Allow me to state some examples:

1) An anesthesiologist I know was let go from her job not too long ago b/c the a few powerful (i.e.. the ones bringing most business to the hospital) complained about her "attitude". 0 complaints about her skills….the surgeons flat out refused to have her work in their cases b/c they didn't like her "attitude".

2) Another doctor I know is the director of a particular group where the contract was taken over another this. This group told the director he needed to let go of 2 M.D.s b/c the new group is not willing to keep everyone. There were no issues with "skills" of any of the docs. So guess how the director choose which 2 to let go? Yep…you guessed it…the 2 that were least liked by the group as a whole.

3) I know people who are lawyers, doctors, professors, work in finance/marketing etc. that managed to get a lucrative position with another firm/company/university…….due to a "connection" they had. Someone they networked with/kept in touch with called them out of the blue and told them about a opening that was not even being advertised. On the flip side, I also know people who get great reviews year after year…..there doesn't seem to be any issues with their skills…..yet for some reason seemed to get passed on for promotions, big raises/bonuses etc……coincidently these also happen to be the same people who are not in the boss's "in-crowd" and/or really don't socialize with co-workers.

I can go on and on. Its great that you have a position in a particular place where you're not required to socialize at all and its great that you're so certain of your future, that you don't feel the need to network and establish professional/friendly friendships with people in your field. But for many others…that's not the case. Its entirely possible to get a job with skills…..but often, in order to get a promotion/raise/laterally moving to another position etc……"contacts" can be invaluable and can help or hurt depending on how a particular relationship was treated over the years.

31

Re: Dealbreakers

^Being able to work in a team, having a professional relationship, courtesy, good attitude at work & with colleagues is an entirely different thing than being a FB buddy. There's a work & a professional connection and there is a personal connection, both are different.

Networking is very important in my field too, we do it through conferences, referrals, mailing about their work or projects, not through sharing family photos or birthdays.

32

Re: Dealbreakers

Again...difference in specific cultures within a hospital/company/firm. My husband is a doctor too and most of his colleagues are on each other's FB. We often get invited to their houses for Bdays/Christmas/4th of July etc. Co-workers going out to happy hours/football games etc. is a regular thing. Same thing at my work.....its not unusual for me to receive invitations for random dinners/BBQs or other events at the home of someone who's higher up in the firm or even a co-worker.

And besides, the issue here is different......if someone received a FB request and does not add a work colleague and explain (if its brought up) that their FB is for family only....that's different. Here we're talking about people who actually did get added and had access to that person's FB....and all of a sudden they discover one day that they got taken off the list.

33

Re: Dealbreakers

Usually when you say the girls are expected to ask if they may go out or visit their parents.,..it's not really like that. It's basic tehzeb that when you are a part of a family and living together if you are going somewhere you do inform your elders. Don't we do it with our parents? What's the issue in that?

Yes, if the in-laws say u cnt go for unjust reasons then it's wrong and you have every right to not take that crap.

Same goes for almost every other point...clothing too! Why must anyone marry someone who they knew was all time modern clothes and now they want her to become hijab? That's pathetic. And I totally agree with whoever posted above that hijab is something you should do only if you want to otherwise it defies the whole purpose.

34

Re: Dealbreakers

^I've not had to inform elders as such.. just mention it if they happen to be around..

Some men will marry a non-hijabi but want her to change after marriage.. of course it would be easier all round to just marry a hijabi in the first place if that's their preference.. just asking for trouble asking someone to make such major changes when their heart isn't in it..

35

Re: Dealbreakers

1) Deeba's initial post said asking PERMISSION to leave the house…..not informing. Big difference.

2) That bold part is something I'd have a HUGE problem with. Unless I'm mentally unstable….there is no "just" reason for my in-laws to tell me that I can't go out. Its not like I go out of the house to sleep with other men. My going out involves work, eating out, shopping, random errands etc. The normal usual stuff that every ADULT does.

I don't have an issue INFORMING someone that I'm going out with the understanding that they don't have a right to tell me not to go, and not ask me 100 questions about details of my outing. I don't mind if/when my husband asks me details and usually I volunteer that info. to him anyway…..but I'd have a huge problem if all of a sudden my in-laws thought they could also start asking details.

As for parents…..we are their child. Even when we become adults….if we're living with our parents, its different b/c we have built that relationship since birth and in their eyes, we will always be that child they raised. For example, if I sleep until noon at my parents house….my mom won't say anything at all. If I do that with my in-laws….my MIL would be making all types of comments about my lack of manners. The dynamics of these two relationships are totally different.

36

Re: Dealbreakers

This was unfortunately what I was told to do when I was married off in the 90s. He was a cousin and lived in France. I had to give up everything. France is a lovely country, I'd enjoy visiting it once again, this time for fun and education. (museums, cultural stuff) But living with him was horrible, you see, no matter how much I had to give up, and I even stopped living a life actually, my life just stopped after marriage, it was never enough for him and his family members. Before marriage they make promises that you can work and finish education, etc. Once they get you, they destroy your life.

I guess it depends on the sort of people you marry into. If he would have been a decent person and treated me well and with honesty, maybe I would have accepted that life. A real love relationship means that both of you give something up for each other, if the situation demands that. It's also a question of how much you love each other, how much would you give up and how much could you ask the other to give up?

Yes, people in Pakistan still do this even, in some places, including some people in Kotli, Kashmir, I've seen and heard it myself. And it even happened to me, here in the Netherlands and France (me being born and raised and living in the Netherlands, he being in France when I was married off to him). My life was destroyed by marriage, by obeying my family with that marriage. I also know some other Pakistani females in the U.K. who went through even more horrible things. At least I'm happy now, my worst ordeal so far has been over for years, alhamdulilah, not so for them. This does happen here in the west too. Something has to be done to solve this problem.

37

Re: Dealbreakers

1) I obviously know the difference between asking and informing! What I was trying to say is that the in laws (atleast most) want only that they be told of their family's whereabouts. And yes when you are living with the family, you might as well behave like one.

  1. The justified reasons can be;

  • we have some imp guests coming over, you can go tommorow or a bit late to your parents home.

  • Hubby has a late sitting at work, the mil is not feeling well- you should stay so that someone's home with her

Etc etc etc

I understand that parents and inlaws can never and should never be compared! However, all elders deserve respect and if your telling them about your plans and outings make them feel like they are given due importance, then there is no harm in it.

38

Re: Dealbreakers

There can be lot of JUST reasons to tell her not to go out. Informing ur family where and why you are going out is basic courtesy.

39

Re: Dealbreakers

We will agree to disagree on this but I don't consider those reasons to ask me to stay home.

Every adult and child deserves respect. I 100% agree that there is no harm in telling them what my plans are. The problem becomes when they expect me to change my plans.

I'll repeat what I wrote earlier... I don't have an issue INFORMING someone that I'm going out with the understand that they don't have the right to tell me not to go, and ask me 100 questions regarding details of my outing.

40

Re: Dealbreakers

^How many questions are OK? How about just 3 where, why and for how long?