David Letterman TopTen Bush Jokes

Hangout Humor (Rated G)
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Top Ten George W. Bush Solutions For Global Warming

  1. NASA mission to turn down the sun’s thermostat

  2. Federal subsidies to boost production of Cool Ranch Doritos

  3. Fast track Rumsfeld’s “Colonize Neptune” proposal

  4. Convene Blue-Ribbon Committee to explore innovative ways of ignoring the problem

  5. Let Hillary worry about it when she takes over

  6. I dunno—tax cuts for the rich?

  7. Give the boys at Halliburton 90-billion dollar contract to patch hole in ozone

  8. Switch to celsius so scorching 98 becomes frosty 37

  9. Keep plenty of Bud on ice

  10. Invade Antartica

Top Ten Ways George Bush Can Regain His Popularity

  1. Dip into social security fund to give every American free HBO

  2. Use diplomacy to bring peace to Brad, Jen and Angelina

  3. Try fixing Iraq, creating some jobs, reducing the deficit and maybe capturing Osama

  4. Figure out a way for the Yankees to win a game

  5. Replace his “country simpleton” persona with more lovable “hillbilly idiot” image

  6. Use weekly radio address to give Americans a Van Halen twofer

  7. Get Saddam to switch to boxers

  8. Ditch the librarian and make Eva Longoria First Lady

  9. Resign

  10. Jump on Oprah’s couch while professing his love for Katie Holmes

Top Ten Bush Goals For His Second Term

  1. Fewer idiotic remarks; more hilarious pratfalls.

  2. Add mother Barbara to Mount Rushmore.

  3. Combine Nebraska and Kansas into new state: Nebransas.

  4. Spice up boring state dinners with tasty fish sticks!

  5. Improve communication skills from poor to fair.

  6. Catch up on his “Smokey And The Bandit” collection.

  7. Get Ray Stevens to write some funny lyrics for “Hail To The Chief”

  8. Ride every roller coaster in the country.

  9. Install remote-activated button in Oval Office so he can blow stuff up right from his desk!

  10. Begin vote-rigging process for Jeb’s White House run in 2008.

Top Ten Questions George W. Bush Asked His Homeland Security Nominee

  1. “Do you have previous experience securing homelands”?

  2. “How will you make the terror alert system more cumbersome and ineffective?”

  3. “Do you generally get along well with people named Condoleezza?”

  4. “Tell me again–who the hell are you”?

  5. “If I have a beer during our Cabinet meetings, will you tell Laura?”

  6. “Be honest-would you really spend any time keeping Delaware safe?”

  7. “You’re not a member of Al-Qaeda, are you?”

  8. “May I refer to you as my ‘Secretary Homey’?”

  9. “Are you comfortable coordinating information among the CIA the FBI, and KFC?”

  10. “Is there any chance of you going ‘McGreevey’ on us?”