My in-laws and I have a very up and down, chaotic relationship.
It has varied from very good to just nasty.
I’m the oldest out of 3 bahu’s and the only bahu who is not a niece. All other bahus are family members.
Two of their damaads are Hispanic (not Muslim), and 3rd is their nephew.
My in-laws and one son/DIL live together. Another son/DIL live out of the country. All my naands n their husbands live in other cities and states.
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My daughter is getting married.
At the initial meeting and follow ups we did not inform any family members etc, until things became more serious.
We wanted only our MIL/FIL to meet these folks, so my husband went over to his parents home, and brought them over on a pretense.
Upon telling my MIL upon her arrival to our home that this is what it is, and we want you now to meet this family etc, my MIL went crazy. The family had not yet arrived at our home. She said all the usual things, blah blah blah. there was not baat pakki, anything, just we all had good feelings about one another, and wanted to introduce the elders.
The other party arrived. My husband had calmed down his mother (by the way , my FIL is always quiet, seldom says anything, she rules )
My MIL without my knowing, called my devraani, informed her what was happening, and told her to come over with her family. Short time later, my devar/devraani and her children turn up. i was so angry as was my husband. But you know how it is, you gotta smile. (My devraani and devar have not set foot in my house in 4 years)
My devraani asked so many questions, it was ridiculous. Where are you from? their entire background.
Oohing and ahhing over certain things in the house, and she walked through my house.
She has not been here in 4 years. about 4 years ago, she called one day saying “we are coming over, will see you in a bit,” Just like that.
I said " Sorry, we have other plans, come some other day " Because of THIS, she an my devar no longer come . Our home is on the way to their work. Our home is down the road from where they shop. i often see them ,we pass by one another in our cars, but she n he will never come over.
We visit there ONLY because FIL/MIL are there. our children do not interact with one another.
The other side was surprised there were other family members there as we had said only FIl/MIl would be present.
They left,and called a few days later formally proposing etc . We had baat pakki only, they came over, no ring, and had a dinner together. This time they came with additional family members and my inlaws and dewar/dewraani who live with them came, and a few close family friends.
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We are having a small family wedding, with very close family friends.
My BFF, and someone who is extremely close to my daughter is holding a dars for her, yes after which there is a dholki.
My MIL is now demanding that this be done, that be done etc. She is now screaming that the dars should be done by my devraani, as it is her right, and what will people think.
My devraani and I used to be friends. My in-laws soured, and finished our relationship 15 years ago. . My in-laws, have ruined all their children’s relationships between one another.
My children and her children do not meet. we meet on the requisite Eid etc. When meeting at dawaats etc, we say helloo, and move along.
My devraani , over a span of years, to my face has told me many things. My MIL always says " ABC , marti hai aap keh liya aur tumhareh bacheh keh liyeh, aur aap neh toh rishta nahi rakh na hai kissi seh".
My devraaani has told me over the years:
“i have to cook for you
mehneh aap koh khanna khalan par tha hai
Your children used to come to my hosue, and i spent money buying pizza for them
Our inlaws always favoured you but now look, they favour me over you.
Because of you, my life was crap.”
Before my daughter’s rishta n baat paki, my devraani n I had met at a mutual aquaintances place for lunch.
As we were leaving, and we got to our cars, i said to her “what went wrong between us?”
She looked at me ..and went nuts
She called me *****, kutti about 20 times, how because of my being the elder bahu she was put on the back burner.
She screamed how she hated, despised me, hated my children, hated my husband. how she used to cook for my children when they were younger, how she was puta side and i was favoured.
She said " See i played my cards so right, our in laws hate you now, and i am in their good books, now it is time for you to suffer"
"I never want to see you, I made a promise years ago to never come to your house, and i will never set foot in your house. "
She kept calling me *****, *****, *****.
She said many other things, i did interject a few times asking her to calm down. I did not use any words on her, and just listened to her.
Allah is my witness, and He alone knows i said nothing. But her daughter was there and watched the entire episode. Two other women also present at the lunch, as leaving heard her screaming profanities etc (but they are her best friends)
My inlaws do not know of this incident, and if they did, would not care, as always different rules for this devraani and different for me.
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And now, my daughter is getting married.
i have very clearly told my MIL the dholki will be done by my BFF. Now MIL is saying she will not attend the wedding.
I have had panic attacks, anxiety since all of this. My husband is fed up. He is a kind, gracious person, and his Mum drives him nuts. she curses him, etc, then tells him she loves him. He visits her, calls her regularly, his brother never comes to our house. My FIL is as mentioned before always quiet .
I am no angel. I have had my fair share of arguments with them etc, then I decided to go by the “in one ear, out the other”. that is what I do.
I have included my In laws in my children’s milestones etc, when it has killed me to do so. My children’s graduations, my in laws/d devraani made a fiasco. But any celebration from my dewraani part, i am told a day or two before. I have not made it my habit to ask questions, inquire, interrogate people, I mind my own business. She asks my children millions of personal questions etc.
There are two sides to everything. we are not well to do, or affluent as the rest of my in-laws. Many are very well to do.
My inlaws have always told me, my hubby and my children “look how poor your parents are, you guys can’t go on vacations, you can’t afford this, you can’t afford that”.
This has been going on for so many years. Now there is a wedding. And I am losing it.
