Dating for convenience

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Some of my acquaintances (girls) have suggested to me on several occassions that I should date a guy so as not to be “lonely”. My response is usually that I’d rather be alone than date someone for convenience. I’m not going to get into how its not islamic, etc, because I am aware of that, as are these girls, but they see nothing wrong in dating so I cant exactly force them to think as I do. I have noticed that a lot of desis nowadays are dating. Its this particular thing about convenience that I dont understand.

Allow me to present scenarios:

Girl 1: Started dating because her parents didnt allow her and she was curious what it was about. Liked it because she gets perks of free meals, some emotional support, and “everybody is doing it”.

Girl 2: Doesnt enjoy having to find a new partner all the time, but enjoys them while she has them. Enjoys the gifts, dinners, parties, support, and then gets tired of the guy and moves on to the next one. She plans on an arranged marriage some day.

Girl 3: Gets a thrill out of the challenge to “get” someone to like her. Once he does, goes out with him once or twice, moves onto the next one. I’ve seen a lot of these cases, and they admit it too.

Girl 4: Really likes the guy but as he doesnt follow her religion, she cannot marry him but wishes to date him anyway(is this time-pass?). He apparently has agreed, but I think he is hoping she changes her mind.

Obviously they get more out of the relationship than what I have mentioned, but what I dont understand is that do none of these individuals see this as dating for convenience purposes only? Surely in life we do a lot of things out of convenience but when its romance, I would think people would be a bit more …careful about it.

I just wonder if there is inner turmoil or are they really at peace with themselves, whether it be the girl or the guy. I have asked them and they say they are happy with their lifestyle but I am not too sure.

Any opinions. I’m interested in what you think is the psychology behind this thinking. Thanks.

2

There exist different thresholds for people when it comes to forming bonds with other humans. For some, a few weeks is enough to see them fantasizing about wedding plans, while others can flush out a long-term date (read: not relationship) and hop onto another without having it affect them emotionally. I think that’s the primary thing that has to be considered when contemplating ‘dating’, that either party doesn’t get scarred from the joyride. I’d strongly highlight keeping within one’s religious and/or moral values of course, but I see your original question didn’t warrant that aspect of it.

Lack of consideration for the above can (and usually does) lead to one of the parties getting hurt when the liason is called off and the other is sometimes left wondering what it is exactly that they did wrong. Because to them they did nothing that extended a hand of “we are on a deeper level” or, dare I say it, commitment. Of course, this situation already assumes both parties knew they were only going in for a good time, no strings. Toying with the other’s emotions (i.e leading them to believe the relationship is gonna be serious when it’s not) is a completely different issue and a big no-no by itself.

As for the psychology behind this thinking; (apart from the physical, if applicable) - it comes down to the basic human want of companionship. Man is a social animal, isolation and lack of attention will kill him. Having said that, like can be seen in these girls’ cases, the reasons would usually revolve around ‘freebies’, physical satisfaction, emotional support, enjoyment from ‘playing the game’ and social reasons (fitting in your peer circle etc.).

3

This is pandora's box. Don't make me talk.

4

Get new friends.

5

Roman, the whole point of posting is to get guppies to talk about this. sigh

aMigO, they happen to be my acquaintances, but is it right to shun people due to actions such as these? Or is it better to try and show an example?

6

Don’t know how it’s done nowadays. In my days, we secretly “dated” one guy and publicly got hitched to him 4ever. That was the whole purpose of the thing: Forever after, and both, or all, parties knew it.

I guess the concept of dating has gotten more refined over the years. Now I think people do it consciously, knowing that they r dating someone and its a temporary thing etc etc. It really depends on how the people involved in the relationship feel about each other, no? Is it even a deep mentally-disturbing relationship anymore, or just nice platonic friendship?

I knew a lotta peeps in college used to go out with others temporarily for “intimacy” purposes, then get married to someone else (preferably from back home). But I didn’t call that dating - that was use in its most vulgar form.

The way I look at it, if kids today go out with a person of the opposite sex to talk, share things together, watch movies etc.. etc.., that’s ok. It’s friendship. You can call it dating if you like, sounds sweet. But if you get anywhere near physical without any intent to marry each other, that’s using someone.

Frankly, I have no idea about the social scene. Just blabbering. :blush:

7

Ana, I agree. You have no idea about the social scene. You're just blabbering.

Munni, it's not only women (all the number uno through quadru), men are like that too. Playing games, being emotionally selfish, exploitation etc etc is equally common among men too. However, the reasons are different.

Some of the desi women, who have some exposure to the world out but yet have that "desiness" in them have certain fantasies that they see around in real life their gori friends enjoying. They want to be picked up at the bar. They want to have a guy come up to them and buy them a drink and then take them home. Of course, they can never allow this fantasay to come true as either they don't drink to begin with or can't have a naameharam guy touching them. So the best outlay for their shallow egos is to pretend that they have been there, they have done that. The more they try to presuppose they are 'goris' more it becomes obvious they are 'desis'. They will pretend around, they will play around, taking the free rides but at the end they will marry the guy whom their parents want them to. I have seen some screwed up marriages out of this scenario.

In men's cases, it's a little simpler. They pretend too. But bottom line almost always is that they'll try to get into women's pants. They would like to score and boast around among their friends. Women like the attention. They want to be catered around, and they want "emotional dildos", a guy or two who are 'in love with them' and are sad for them as they move on to marry off someone else. It boasts their shallow egos. They are not really ever interested in the guy, it's just that they are interested in his emotions. Makes them feel wanted and fulfilling their screwed up fantasies.

Mostly, the reasons they never want to marry the guy who caters to them are that it won't feel the same way for them. They fear they will lose that sense of fantasy of someone tagging behind them regardless of their rejection of the guy. Secondly, they also have some very shallow hung-ups due to which the guy doesn't really fulfill their material criteria. It could be anything, education, money, physical appearance, etc etc. They like the passion of the guy but that's all they want without giving anything else. So they marry off someone else who possess the criteria, may not be the same emotions or passion that they liked in the first guy. So that's why they want the first guy to be "a friend" or more truly, "an emotional dildo" even after they have gotten married to someone else. One guy fulfills one need, and other the other one.

That's just one classification of women I have seen. There are others as well. The "emotional dildo" part is not only a characteristic of desi women. Goris do that too. However, in goris cases, mostly it ends up having extra-marital affair as well as they have lived a few years of marital life and now are bored of the husband and want some thrilling fantasy, which is usually the extra-marital affair with their previous lover. People say that all the women are just alike inside. That's very much true. But to get to the real woman inside, one has to peel off the extra layers of cultural, social, psychological, and familial upbringings.

8

Nice thinking but i am sure someone is going to suffer... :)

9

Roman, yer whole post read three words to me: Women are shallow.

Sorry you think that way. I always thought it was men who fit that description :rolleyes:.

And no, not all women are just interested in just hurting someone’s feelings and going off with someone else who satisfies their material needs or whatever. That’s called a shallow sentiment. I don’t think all men are like that either.

Khair, what’s an emotional dildo? Sounds like Dalda. Ghee?

10

munni, in your posts, you didn't mention anything about those girls who date having sex with those guys who they dated. now i am sure most of guys are not that stupid who'll only give girls free meals and shopping, support etc, and not get anything out of them.

again, i am not sure how that works because i have never dated, just my guess by looking at friends. if they date someone, ofcourse they have physical relationship with the girl too. is that true?

11

Munni, you could go on a 'friendly date'. Who knows in the end, it could turn out be a great one.

BOOM ;)

12

Ana, no, that is not what I believe in. Not every woman is shallow just like not every man is shallow. I think I mentioned in post that men do a lot of sh*t too. I'm not singling out women alone. My point was more in line with some of the types of women Munni described her post and their motivation towards dating.

You are right. Men's playing around to get into women's pants is quite shallow, just the same as women's playing around for emotional comfort.

I have had the honor to befriend and date some of very nice women in my life. And even long after the relationships had been over, I have a great deal of respect for them. This equally applies to both Desi and Gori women. I also have had bad experiences. You live and learn. But that was not the point I was making. Like I said before, there are certain cultural differences that may contribute to make two women different and I was only describing certain characteristics.

13

There is no such thing as Dating For Convenience. There is only Convenient Sex with Dates.

14

K, Roman.

I have to say all this dating business I don’t really understand; the only time I went out with someone was for groceries in college, and he married me. :blush: So Munni, best of luck. Insha’Allah you’ll find someone nice in the end.

You know what tho? Sometimes mebbe people try too hard to find someone. Mebbe if u just left it all up to the natural course of life, things would just happen..? I never looked for anyone, it just kinda.. happened. So mebbe relax, try that and see.

And plus, perhaps people shouldn’t have any expectations of anyone else. People change over time, you mellow down, you make adjustments and learn to live with each other, no matter who it may be. If you go out with someone, don’t think “This is the ONE”, instead think, “Nice person, took me to a nice movie”. Take things one day at a time, one minute at a time. Even the worst people can reform and change. People have so many facets to their personality that it takes years to find out and one day you’ll be completely taken by surprise and realize what a gem someone really is. A few months of friendship is just that - a few months. Not a lifetime. Khair. GOOD LUCK, and whatever you do, never have any regrets.

15

Who's convenience?

16

Going back to the dating etc. There is nothing wrong with dating, seeing someone, going out, having casual sexual relationships, long-term commited sexual/non-sexual relationships, or one night stands. But all of the above are tied to couple of basic but very simple rules (which people make out to be complex and complicated but they are not).

First, you should know what you want out of a relationship. What is it that you are looking for? Whatever the answer may be, you must be very clear with yourself and the other person both in words supported by actions/behaviour. Anything different would be deception, unclarity, or misunderstanding.

You must both be on the same page. If anyone of you feel differently or want different thing out of the relationship than the other one then get out of the relationship on ASAP basis.

In either case, whether or not you feel comfortable "dating", it never hurts but only helps to go out and meet different people. Everytime you meet a new person, it changes your world. Most of the time, positively.

One last thing, if do get to the point of sexual intimacy then the very first must thing is to have you and your prospective partner take the lab test for STDs. No kidding.

PS-
Guys, test for syphilis hurts beyond imagination. Women have no clue. Just imagine Q-tip going upstream through your, well, what the word, penis.

17

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Roman: *
Guys, test for syphilis hurts beyond imagination. Women have no clue. Just imagine Q-tip going upstream through your, well, what the word, penis.
[/QUOTE]

in the same vein...Chlamydia is not a flower.