I dated my husband prior to getting married. We dated since I was at uni until we got married (with break of about a year or so when he was away for a bit). I didn’t view it as a compatibility analysis but rather as getting to know him and seeing whether or not I liked him as a person because what’s the point of being perfectly compatible with someone if you don’t like them personally? After a bit, it stopped being about that and was simply about spending time with someone I enjoyed spending time with.
My parents were okay with it but I think that was partly because I introduced him to them from the beginning and told them a bit about him. They were actually more hesitant about the minor (in my opinion) age difference than about the dating part. However, if I had simply turned up one day and surprised them with “this is my boyfriend” completely out of the blue, I think they would have been a bit more hesitant. There was also another odd component in this (we had the Nikah done at our engagement and it wasn't really "dating" from that point on) and that may have also influenced them in being okay with it.
I think dating can work out perfectly well, provided it is done in a mature and responsible manner and with the intent of finding a spouse, rather than as simply something to pass the time. I also think it is quite important that if a couple is dating, they tell their families about it rather than dating “secretly.” I think the problems and drama arise when people hide the fact that they’re dating someone and secretly carry on a relationship with that person, while their parents are completely unaware and begin looking for potential matches for them, oblivious to the fact that they already have someone. When the parents eventually find out, drama ensues because not only do they feel lied to, but they also feel like their child made them look bad in front of others by allowing them to waste their time and waste other people’s time by looking for potential matches when they already had someone in mind.
My family is more on the traditional side, despite having lived in Canada for more than 10 years. I am personally not comfortable with the idea of extended dating random guys in the name of getting to know them as a potential match. It's different when you meet someone in University or workplace and you hang out as a group. The familiarity and comfort level just develops by itself, as you get to observe the person without any pressure. I know of a few desi class fellows and coworkers who met this way and got their parents involved. Some got married no problem, while others had to struggle a little bit due to parents having different requirements.
In an arranged marriage scenario, where you are introduced by your families, I don't think "dating" works. Everyone's eyes are on you and there is pressure to make it work. Also, if the couple doesn't click, parents may be hesitant to keep sending you on these "dates" for fear of developing a reputation.
Last year we invited a family over to our house. Their son wanted more face time because it's hard to talk freely in front of parents. So he requested permission to go on a one-on-one date. My dad reluctantly said yes. So this guy was supposed to pick me up and we were to go for coffee near my home. Instead, he changed his plans on the day of, and took me to an outdoor concert. It was awkward; we couldn't talk because the music was loud and the place was crowded. Plus, it took us forever to find parking and maneuver through traffic. My mom was expecting me back after an hour or so, so we left early. Anyway, I asked him what was the point of that. He said, well, I am not going to marry a girl after one meet. Instead, he will keep on getting to know her through various meets in different social settings and then if he feels like he can fall in love with her, he will move forward. Maybe to a western person, that makes sense. To me, that was a complete waste of my time. You can get a pretty good idea about someone by talking on the phone or in a group setting a few times. I don't think developing feelings before marriage is an important criteria in arranged marriages. You look for basic compatibility ... maturity, values, cultural/religious affiliation, goals in life, etc.
Anyway, I think he was looking to pass time. I'm just surprised his parents were in on it. I was more surprised that he spent majority of his time in Saudia...aur phir bhi, itne modern khayaalaat. Imagine, six months later, if he doesn't develop any feelings then goodbye... onto the next girl!
I feel the BEHAYAI that is v common today in dating,and the purpose of dating is THIS only,Specially in teenage Pakistanis.I m also a teenager but i don't find anything good about it. Yeah if it is for the purpose of compatibility and to know someone but in LIMITS then nothing is wrong.But ISLAM does not allow such meetings so in order to start a sacred relationship like marriage,it must be done in an islamic way.I HAVE SEEN alot of people dating and those are vulgar datings most of the time that depict the western culture..Islam allows to see someone before marriage but no such meetings..
Itni si umer hai… Other day you were talking your relationship with an Indian guy… kesa experience raha… ? What did you do while talking that Indian guy?..
We never met and i didn't date(i mean meetings) and now i m not in any relationship :) dair aye darust aye ! I don't like being in a relationship anymore....
I feel the BEHAYAI that is v common today in dating,and the purpose of dating is THIS only,Specially in teenage Pakistanis.I m also a teenager but i don't find anything good about it.
There is a reason why this is the case with teenagers. The key word here is teenager. Of course teenagers are not going to be serious about dating and be rather vulgar in terms of dating. They are not at the stage where they must seriously consider looking for a spouse, so of course they don't take it seriously. They are also immature and don't have any sense of responsibility yet as that comes from life experience, which most teengeragers do not have. Also, as most teenagers do not have much, if any, realistic life experience, they believe life is like what they see in movies and try to imitate what they see in movies, which is not a realistic depiction of real life, even in the west.
But ISLAM does not allow such meetings so in order to start a sacred relationship like marriage it must be done in an islamic way.
Simply because people do not meet in person and only speak over skype or speak to each other on the phone, it doesn't mean that they are being decent or completely Islamic. People can and often do discuss (or in the case of skype, do a bit more than discuss) things that are not so decent or very Islamic. When I first joined GS in October, there were 3 different threads at the time about girls talking about how "my fiance wants to discuss things that I am not comfortable with..." or "my fiance keeps mentioning our wedding night and I am not comfortable and don't know what to say.., " proving that you don't have to meet someone in person to be vulgar.
Arrange is setup not cruel at all and still lot marriages happening through the same route and my cousin just got married the same way and he’s a guy and if somebody likes to meet and know each other a little bit than it’s on them but dating is not my cup of tea, being a guy still I can’t just go on date with some random girls just to find out if she’s the one.
Being born and raised in the Netherlands, I was never allowed to even choose my own clothes, let alone a marriage partner. Dates were not allowed. (I'm talking '80s and '90s) I was married off to my cousin. We only talked for a short time in front of other relatives and then weeks later married. We were not compatible at all. I wanted to wait longer to see if I'd start liking him and the idea of marrying a cousin was weird for me and still is. Our family seemed to be extra strict about everything out of fear that we would become 'too western', many other Pakistani family friends had the same opinion. It was considered 'awara' if you would choose your own marriage partner, especially if you were a female.
Nowadays our Pakistani community here has become less strict, but not every family. Arranged marriages are still the norm mostly. If you are seen even talking with males, people still get the wrong idea about you. Even though it's only a neutral conversation and nothing more. So, in this climate a date would be rare. Even Pakistani family friends who did allow their daughters to wear western clothing to school were still strict about dating and their daughters still had arranged marriages, some of them didn't like it either.
My opinion is that even in arranged marriages, people should still have the chance to get to know each other and say 'no' even. Arranged marriages do work and can make people happy if nobody is forced in marriages with partners they don't want.
Dating should be allowed too, under specific rules if you are Islamic. Even in the time of Muhammad (saww) people did see each other and talk to each other before deciding to marry. It's not forbidden. I do think that as a practising Muslim one should take someone along if he or she goes out. For example, if you want to have dinner and a stroll afterwards with the person you want to get to know to see if you match for marriage, you can take a friend or a family member along who doesn't have to hear every word you say, that person can take some discreet distance. This way you are not completely alone with non-mehrams and you can still have a personal conversation trying to get to know each other.
I told my children that they can choose their own marriage partner. Perhaps they will meet their future marriage partner through friends or a job, while talking perhaps they find out they like each other very much, I would allow them on a date under condition that they take along someone else too. Yet I don't think they always have to be with other people for every single conversation. Besides, with the inventions of our time people can get to know each other in Islamic way through internet and phones, as some have already mentioned. I don't even care if the person my children marry is Pakistani too. It's their own life, marriage means sharing your life with another person, beingvery intimate, it has to be someone my children are comfortable with.
I don't care what the other Pakistani people here will think about us, the life of my children is more important to me.
Simply because people do not meet in person and only speak over skype or speak to each other on the phone, it doesn't mean that they are being decent or completely Islamic. People can and often do discuss (or in the case of skype, do a bit more than discuss) things that are not so decent or very Islamic. When I first joined GS in October, there were 3 different threads at the time about girls talking about how "my fiance wants to discuss things that I am not comfortable with..." or "my fiance keeps mentioning our wedding night and I am not comfortable and don't know what to say.., " proving that you don't have to meet someone in person to be vulgar.
So true. I used be on Yahoo messenger and to a lesser extent on MSN messenger. Sometimes I just wanted to talk to other people, new people. Just neutral conversations about books, movies, culture, religion, etc. So I went to chatrooms about books or religion or anything interesting at that moment for me. The people who wanted talk to me there mostly became vulgar at one point or another. Once I did meet someone with whom I had more normal conversations for a while, but then one day he began asking what my 'cup size' was so I broke off the contact. Another person kept demanding to see my picture which I refused, it was meant to be just a conversations about religion or books to pass time, yet they always insisted on becoming too personal and vulgar even.
It depends on the people how Islamic those conversations are. I'm not on those chats anymore now, just forums.
There is a reason there is a difference between Forced and Arranged marriage and that difference should never be forgotten. Arranged marriages are just like you being introduced to each other through friends, apart from the fact that your family may have done extra searches on them which of course is an added benefit.
Until now I’ve never dated but if I do go through the arranged marriage route I know what I want out of the process. I need to know the person and see whether there is a spark and compatibility. That doesn’t mean I want a long term courtship, at the end of the day unless you live with a person you will never truly know them. So no matter how many dates you do go through you won’t know how your spouse to be is in reality. I would want there to be meetings where we can go out together, stay within our limits but still be comfortable enough to know each other, not with 10 people constantly staring at you for every meeting lol. Phone calls, texts and emails are fine as well but they shouldn’t go on without an appropriate destination in mind. My parents are fine with me finding someone for myself but that hasn’t happened yet . I still have to step out of uni and perhaps will find someone once I’m outside of it. Jo bhi Allah Ki Marzi. I can only dua that I find the perfect partner for myself and that we have a healthy and happy life together.
What else?
. I still have to step out of uni and perhaps will find someone once I’m outside of it. Jo bhi Allah Ki Marzi. I can only dua that I find the perfect partner for myself and that we have a healthy and happy life together. 