Okay my friends is due to get married soon. She doesn’t have the best relationship with her father. Her father has mental issues and well thinks that she’s a low life just because shes a girl. Her father used to be very abusive to her and her mother, when my friend was 18 she moved out of home with her mother. Her father even at point told her that she wasn’t his which isn’t true. Her father since got married but blames my friend for the falling out beween both the parents.
Now two issues, my friend is getting married with the approval of her mom, but through some loop hole, she has been told that she needs to get her father’s permission to get her nikah done. My friend is so upset as she doesn’t wnt her father to be involved at all. Second of all her father has some sort of personality disorder which he says one thing and does the other. She doesn’t want a scene.
Now my friend has done well for herself, she put herself through college and now just finished her in house internship they do in the medical profession. She has built up alot of respect in her social circle etc as everyone knows what they have been through. It pains her when she sees everywhere that everyone is having a real grand wedding and even though she can afford it all through her own gain with no support from wither parent that in the paki circle she is referred to as his daughter. In her nikah nama its got her dads name everywhere its been ten years since the drama but she told me that it’s all coming back all the abuse and stuff, she even mentioned that once she had to remind herself what her fathers name was as it popped out of her head since she does not consider him to be a part of her life and considers him to be nothing more than a sperm donor.
The second issue is that even if she can get her nikah done without her fathers consent he has still found out and has wowed to make her life a living hell. He kind of blames her for being born, telling her that the day she came into his life is when everything went wrong for him. My friend has maintained distance for the past 10 years and wants to keep it that way. She said that she has started to have nightmares etc that hes coming to get her. She paid for this grand wedding and now is having second thoughts as the father has said that he will come and make a scene. She doesn’t know what to do, she wanted to have a fun wedding but now is just having a small 10 people gathering at her home, she will lose 10k already that she has spent.
I don’t know what to tell her. She sometimes starts getting so depressed which makes me depressed and etc. There is no guarantee that even if she has a 10 people wedding that her father won’t turn up. She just doesn’t want a scene in front of anyone, she just wants to enjoy her big day.
If she has spent 10k on her wedding, i think it would be a safe bet to spend another 1k on security. I'm not sure what part of the world your friend is in but you can hire even armed security for a decent amount just for the occasion.
Wow, your friend's father is one hell of a LOSER! And you are certainly RIGHT about him saying one thing and doing the opposite. On one hand he rejects her for being his daughter and on the other hand he wants to be a part of her wedding. What a SICK PSYCHO!!!
I bet the reason why he now wants to be a part of her wedding and the nikah contract is because everyone in the community knows what a big loser he is. And if he is absent from the wedding, then the community will gossip about how bad of a father he is that he wasn't even a part of his daughter's wedding. Most likely her dad is worried about his reputation and that's why he now wants his involvement.
This girl is very fortunate to have such a caring friend in you. I would advise you that you continue encouraging your friend to have the grand wedding of her dreams. Her special day should be a memorable event to look back on and it's a shame for her to destroy her plans over some loser who is and never will be involved in her life.
I've done a bit of research and my understanding is that it is necessary in Islam for a girl to get married in the presence of a guardian and the guardian with the most right is her father. HOWEVER, if the father is unfit to fulfill such a role, then the role of guardian goes to the next nearest relative such as grandfather or uncle. In other words, if the girl's father is going to reject the marriage for UNISLAMIC reasons, the girl can appoint another guardian. And she should talk to the local imam about the seriousness of her issue and seek his advice. In fact, she should talk to the imam with her mother. Also, your friend needs to tell her **FIANCE **everything about her father so that him and his family are fully aware of the circumstances.
At the wedding, their should be tight security. She should go ahead and have the big wedding of her dreams but she should tell the security guards that they should not allow her father in the wedding. Perhaps she should give the guards a list of names of people invited to the wedding...so that they can make sure no intruders come to the wedding.
Security guards DO NOT NECESSARILY have to look like the typical guards in their uniforms. Your friend can even have guards that are dressed in a regular clothes. She can even ask the help of the hotel management in monitoring who enters the wedding. And she can even ask some of her male friends/uncles to also monitor the people who attend the wedding. Just make a list of who should be at the wedding and if anyone who is not on the list comes....they shall be removed.
And if your friend seriously fears for her life. Perhaps she needs to inform the police of his threats. And that might help curb the situation some as well.
I don't think having discreet security will cause an issue. If anyone who is not on the list attempts to attend the wedding.......they will be removed and it will ONLY BE HUMILATING for the INTRUDER to be kicked out in front of everyone. It's not the bride who will be embarrassed. It will be the uninvited person who is creating such a scene who will be embarrassed. And everyone in the desi community knows that the girl's father is frickin loser....so if they see him being kicked out.....they won't blame her. He's earned his stinking rep.
And in most places (official buildings, concerts, clubs, schools)....security manages things in a calm manner. It's foolish for a girl not to enjoy a wedding the way she wants to for fear of embarrassment. The security is there to prevent the more **SEVERE **embarrassment of the father entering the marriage hall and destroying everything. It's a small price to pay when you consider the other consequences.
I pray your friend gets through this really hard time in her life.. leading her to the happiness she totally deserves!
Islamically, a relative or guardian (grandfather, uncle) can fulfil the Wali requirement.. but as far as the whole security thing goes.. I think her father is just trying to create a issue.. and in this its his own loss.. cant' your friend get a restraining order against him to protect her and her family from further sorrows.. they protect u.. but yeah then again you cant really guarantee what he might do to make a scene! but security is deff the way to go.. maybe having the wedding in a private location or even a different country could be better.. that way he might not be able to get there in time to wreck anything!
goodluck!!!
Considering the facts you have stated about her, I think in her case she does not need her father's consent to get married - because it doesn't look like he will be giving it to her anytime soon anyway! Lol! Anyway, she deserves to get married and find her happiness esp' after everything she has been through. She needs a guardian, maybe ask her grandfather and two responsible witnesses to get married.
I think she should still have her dream wedding if she wants and hire security. After the London bombing, our local mosque even hired security guards so that Muslims could carry on praying!
^ I agree. Informing the police can help. He'll think twice before trying anything and because it will be in his record. And if he does do something, the police can be stricter on him because they were previously notified. Reading about him makes me sick. He seems like some jaahil paindu. A restraining order would put him in his place.
^ I agree. Informing the police can help. He'll think twice before trying anything and because it will be in his record. And if he does do something, the police can be stricter on him because they were previously notified. Reading about him makes me sick. He seems like some jaahil paindu. A restraining order would put him in his place.
A restraining order or security for her wedding. Please tell her not to be so petrified there's a solution to everything If you don't hire security then I guess you're pretty much asking for trouble :)
Short answer, her mother who is her guardian has approved this marriage so there is not need to get approval of that abusive and insane father. Islamic tradition is to get approval of nikah from elders , but if this elder who is her father is insane and mother is sane so that should be enough.
For long answer get a fatwa from some alim which will boil down to what I said. Inshallah.
As for keeping the father away , retraining order should also be taken against him , he is insane and unpredictable. Hiring security on Nikah is also good idea.