Dads ... where are you?

khattichic · February 13, 2015, 4:27am

Re: Dads … where are you?

Been there done that.
My older son has been an angel all his life , he never gave me hard time. He completed his under grad degree form a big name private university with double major in Electrical and Biomedical engineering last year. He will be graduating from Cornell this May with a Masters in engineering. Just in one year.
My younger son on the other hand had been in lot of trouble, drugs, drinking, sneaking out of home at night etc. etc.
How I dealt with his issues? With love, care , and lots and lots of nurturing. I do not believe in negative motivation. I believe in power of love. I dealt with all this the way any red blooded American dad would. although I am a red blooded desi at heart. You cannot abuse kids in this society, you have no choice but to keep trying to bring them to the right path. If they do not listen to you then when they are 18 you can kick them out and that is what I told him. I love you to death but I want you to work with me to prove that you are worthy of spending my hard earned money on you. If you do not want to follow the rules then you are free to go and live your life the way you want. I will support you to the point where you would have some living place and a meaning full job to sustain your life. He realized it seems easier said than done. It has all been too easy for him to live a life of luxury at home. He realized that it is not easy to be on your own at tender age of 18.
Now he is on straight path. So it seems. He has no social life anymore, he is living at home and going to college every day like a good kid. I drop him and pick him up. No more separate car and gas money till he passes out of college. He is doing good at college too. So it seems. I am being honest. And I am sharing all this just to help others not to prove myself to be a hero or to prove that I know a secret formula. I do not have a secret formula.
Is this what you wanted to know?
You can only hope that these tactics work. There are no guarantees. I know of some families where it did not work and I know of some families where negative motivators work. Then I know of some other other families where negative motivators did not work.
So there is no right or wrong way to raise your kids. There is no right or wrong way of dealing with these issues. One strategy will work in one case in other cases same strategy might not work.

I shared in these pages story of Adnan Syed whose case got famous because of a podcast serial of NPR. He was an exemplary young desi kid. Highly involved in community and Masjid. Loved by every member of the community. He ended up in jail for murdering his high school sweetheart while he was still in high school. In this serial he confessed to stealing money from masjid’s donation box.
My whole family listened to this whole series of podcasts during a cross country drive at the recommendation of my older son. We listened to first episode and we were all hooked. This story opens lot of doors into daily lives of many desi families. I recommend you listen to it. It is a great eye opener.
Again this series will not give you a formula for success but it will provide you enough material to make you an informed parent.

P.S: Oh boy I did not realize that it is going to be such a long post. It is the longest and record breaking post of my 7 years history of GS. You are under no obligation to read it.

Much respect for you Mirch Bhai..thank you for sharing