Re: Dad wants me to get married young, family members don’t disagree…
I know, I don’t want to ruin a girl life either, cause I know that I hate the idea of any sort of arranged marriage myself and hate myself to get married just to get someone to help us out.
Re: Dad wants me to get married young, family members don’t disagree…
Well, once the marriage is done and the new woman moves in the house, I’m sure the first few months will be hard on EVERYONE. But once your siblings realize that the new woman is here to stay, sooner or later, they will back off and get busy with their own life (ie. their school, activities, friends etc.). The kids do not have to like her or be her best friend…they just need to treat her with respect.
I understand that your dad made a promise to your mother…however…would your mother want YOU to make this type of sacrifice? 
Would you mother want you to marry at such a young age b/c you had to…versus waiting until you are older and more stable and find someone you actually want to marry? And would your mother really want your dad to spend the rest of his life alone…without a companion? Obviously I don’t know your mother so only you (and your family) can answer these questions. I am married and I know if I died, I would not want my husband to spend the rest of his life alone (even though the thought of him being with someone else is painful). Friends, children etc. can never replace the companionship a person gets from the spouse and I believe at 16, you understand this concept.
Dragon what exactly is your father having a hard time maintaining in the house? Household chores? Cooking? Making sure your siblings get their homework done? Are any of your siblings super young? Like they can’t shower, feed, dress etc. themselves? I’m asking b/c as someone suggested earlier…if this is about chores and such…can’t you guys get a part time maid to help with this?
Re: Dad wants me to get married young, family members don’t disagree…
thanks for the advice, i know i know, but there’s a women who lives in my house whos related to my dad, after my mother passed around my siblings have gotten rude to her, it’s worse as she has mental problems to.
My siblings are good but they sometimes mess, e.g I have a brother who is 7 and he’s very troublesome, my other brothers are lazy so far my sister helps my dad out the most in the home but the problem is shes only 11, she has to do the chores, I have to study for my exams but do help my father out, though it’s sad to see he never complains but I can see that he’s tired.
Re: Dad wants me to get married young, family members don’t disagree…
Everyone knows this woman is not going to live in that house forever and her having mental problems is not helping the situation. IF you dad re-marries and makes it clear to the kids that the 2nd wife is here to stay, then the situation is different. I’m sure your mother would not approve of the kids being rude to ANY adult. And if they are rude to the new wife, your dad needs to make sure there are consequences. Situations like this suck but sometimes, a parent needs to make a choice that is best for the family as a whole for the long-term…even if children, who do not have the ability to understand the big picture, don’t approve of that choice. That’s why a parent is a parent and a child is a child.
Why is getting a maid not an option?
Has your dad directly told you that he will NEVER consider re-marriage because of the promise he made to your mother? Because in your first post you included that as an option (ie. either he gets married or you do).
You are the oldest. If you see the younger ones being rude or being lazy and your dad is not there…then you need to step in. Remind them what type of behavior your mother would expect if she were here today.
BTW, have any of you kids been in counseling or joined any support groups for kids who have lost a parent?
Re: Dad wants me to get married young, family members don’t disagree…
Sorry to hear about your mom. May Allah reward her profusely and enter her into jaanah.
On the topic, wouldn’t it be easier to just hire a kaamwali?
Re: Dad wants me to get married young, family members don’t disagree…
1)True but even I’m not open to the idea of a step mum sound immature but I’d hate the idea to, I have relative who’s like 35 and his dad married like 6-8 years ago, there mother has come to our house crying cause they dislike there step mother
2)A maid I dont know, but it’s not what my father thinks someone to help the family also etc
3)No he said he’s considered it but my sister cries at the idea and my brothers I can feel them getting at the idea of it
4)I do.
Re: Dad wants me to get married young, family members don’t disagree…
The woman living your family right now, is she taking care of ALL household chores (I ask b/c you mentioned she is mentally ill). As in dishes, laundry, vacuuming, general cleaning, making the beds etc? If not then I think you should suggest to your dad that you guys get a part-time maid/nanny. This will lessen the stress on your dad and all your siblings.
Your wrote earlier that you dad said you can wait until 18 to get married. My suggestion…right now, tell your dad that you two can talk about this when you get more closer to your 18th birthday. Until then, tell him you don’t want to discuss this. This gives EVERYONE time. Your mother passed away only a year ago and everyone is still adjusting to this huge loss. Let the next 1 year…1.5 year go by…when you’re closer to your 18th birthday…at that time you all can decide what should be done. By then it will be almost 3 years since your mother passed away so it MIGHT be a little easier for you and your siblings to accept the idea of your dad re-marrying.
The point being that if your dad is ok with you waiting until you’re 18 to marry…then no point in discussing/freaking out about it right now. Focus on what can be done RIGHT NOW to make life easier on everyone (i.e.. get a maid). See where everyone is emotionally a year from now.
Re: Dad wants me to get married young, family members don’t disagree…
I’m sorry for your loss. May Allah grant your mom jannat and give those left behind the courage to face the challenges that lie ahead in life, ameen!
In light of what you have shared I would say that getting a housekeeper might be a better idea than anyone getting married at this point.
Perhaps when the youngest child has grown to an age where they can understand the challenges that your father faces and the fact that at some point in time he will need some companionship for himself as you all grow to have your own lives, then it will be appropriate for him to seek out a new life partner. But until then, is it possible for you to get some domestic help?
Re: Dad wants me to get married young, family members don’t disagree…
Thanks for the advice, the women we live doesn’t do anything, and yeah I do delay the talk, and I guess I gotta allow my dad to have a clear head, thanks for the advice paheli
Re: Dad wants me to get married young, family members don’t disagree…
Alternative idea. Do some housework yourself to help out.
Makes sense. Let’s get the eldest son married so his wife can handle the house.
Re: Dad wants me to get married young, family members don’t disagree…
Thanks for your condolences Muzna, to be honest thanks to everyone in this thread I will discuss it with my father about the idea of getting a housekeeper and see what he says, thank you all!
Re: Dad wants me to get married young, family members don’t disagree…
It’s better your dad gets married again. He will need a support even if you all get married. Expecting your wife (young or not) to take responsibilities of the house is a big gamble.
Re: Dad wants me to get married young, family members don’t disagree…
There is nothing to suggest that Dragon isn’t already doing what he can. But he is 16, also dealing with the loss of his mother, and he can only do so much with FOUR young siblings, one as young as 7, while going to school full-time.
Re: Dad wants me to get married young, family members don’t disagree…
If your dad is resistant to this idea…tell him to get a maid for 2-3 months and just see how things go. If the maid does not make everyones life easy, then she can be let go. Your father has nothing to lose by trying this out. Good luck! :k:
Re: Dad wants me to get married young, family members don’t disagree…
thank paheli for the advice i appreciate it alot
Re: Dad wants me to get married young, family members don’t disagree…
trust me I do, but my younger sibling make the house dirty very quickly, sadly I didn’t realise how hard it was to look after a house before.
My dad thinks the same, e.g I’m the eldest so I should have handle but truth be told I can’t handle s***
Re: Dad wants me to get married young, family members don’t disagree…
I agree with Paheli - don’t worry about it for now. In two years a lot can change, your siblings won’t be so young anymore… the question of you getting married young may disappear altogether.
For now, you need to concentrate on making the current situation work. I hope that you will be able to get some house help but that probably depends on whether that is financially viable for your father. Whether you can get help or not, you all need to step-up, even the youngest sibling. Your father and you need to make your siblings realise that you have a responsibility towards each other and you all need to work together. You can put systems and rotas into place to make sure everything gets done and that work is shared fairly… the hard part is making sure that everyone does their part without being nagged… this is where you and your father need to create a caring, family atmosphere. Maybe even have a period in the evening when everyone does their individual chores but at the same time… so no one is lounging around watching T.V or hidden away in the bedroom - you are all in it together. Someone takes out the rubbish, someone else washes the dishes, etc etc. Sames goes for the weekend, there should be a couple of hours set aside on Sat and Sun where everyone sorts out the house - each clean their bedroom, hoover the house, collect all the laundry together and start putting loads in the machine. Even your 7 year old brother can do plenty such as fold laundry, make his bed, tidy his room. You just need to be organised so that there is a routine and everyone does their part.
Re: Dad wants me to get married young, family members don’t disagree…
Don’t be too hard on your dad, he might be getting pressure from the extended family back home kay ghar mein aurat ki zaroorat hai the kids are young but tell him its different that even if you the son get married , the girl might still don’t know how to cook or run household etc and might be one more person to look after
Re: Dad wants me to get married young, family members don’t disagree…
And even if she does know how to take care of the household , it might not last long as girls especially young will want to enjoy life and not become boring , housewife, so soon
And if your dad does get married he might be doing it just for the need of his kids not that he doesn’t miss your mother
And don’t put yourself into getting married just because you dont want your father not to get remarried