Dad chooses extended family...

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Has anyone had a dad who chooses his extended family over his own kids?

Basically my dad always puts his brother first. His brother has helped him financially, I understand that.
However he runs around after my uncles girls. These girls are from outside wed lock as my uncle is with a gori.

Example, they stay over. My dad feeds them, makes sure their teeth are brushed, they’ve changed into the night clothes, takes them out etc.

He never did that to me when I was younger.

He’d ask his nieces if they are ok but hasn’t ever asked me.

My older brother is becoming like my dad.

I just don’t know how to deal with this resentment. Especially when my dad is supposed to be from a man of faith.

Has anyone had a dad who puts others first before his children?

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My dad did and still does shame. He trusts his brothers nieces and nephews more than his own kids. I we buy him father's day gift or anything else he would give his brothers. My bro bought him really expensive watch recently and he gave away.

This has impacted me mently alot.

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Re: Dad chooses extended family...

How old are you? How old are your cousins? How does your uncle take care of them? How does the rest of the family treat them?

Is the fact that they're from out of wedlock something that bothers you? What is the correlation between the two statements I bolded (girls from out of wedlock and he's a man of faith)? If not, why mention it?

It's possible that he doesn't ask you these things, because he knew you were already being well taken care of by himself or your mother.
Being a man of faith, it's possible that he's taking care of children who may not be well taken care of. Or hell, just taking care of children and being kind to them is part of their faith.

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Re: Dad chooses extended family...

Probably your dad's over compensating due to the fact their born outside of wedlock. Do other members of your extended family treat them right? If not, I guess I can understand why your dads doing that.

What's their ages? If they're young/children, then obvs they need a bit of help.

Maybe at that age you were more self sufficient than them.

Plus, you'd look after guests/other children and make sure they're alright.

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Re: Dad chooses extended family...

Im 25, the kids are 11, 10 and 9.

because my dad is all about religion, he would never speak to me again if I went against this.

However, his brother eats none halal meat, had the kids outside wed lock, did a registry and not a nikkah. The kids eat non halal meat etc.

however my dad treats them better than he does to me and puts them first.

e.g. He goes to their birthday parties and when I wanted to go out for mine, which I was paying for, his brother rang to say he was coming so my dad chose to stay and wait for him and the kids.

it does bother me that they are out of wedlock because I dont have much family and it'd be nice to have Muslim cousins who are into the culture too but it's not my life.

He doesn't ask me these things because he's not bothered. He's never even said please or thank you to me. He's never even asked me if I'm ok.

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Re: Dad chooses extended family...

We don't have much family. My dad treats them good because my uncle is a doctor who would financially support him if my dad was in difficulty.

I was wearing a jilbab once at home and my uncle looked at me in disgust and asked me what I was wearing, my dad didn't stick up for me. My dad, who prays 5 times a day and reads the Quran didn't say a word.

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Re: Dad chooses extended family...

Well how I see it, it seems like your dad looks up (correct word isn't coming to me right now sorry!) to your uncle and his status that comes with him being a doctor tbh. Also, and the fact that he's given your dad financial help so now you dad probably feels like he has to return the 'debt' or help somehow and by that even if it means forgetting his own kids (including your uncle's remark to you) and showering more love on his nieces/nephews.

And don't let your uncle put you off, it's your house, do whatever. Just ignore his remarks.

How about letting your dad know how it's affecting you? It may depend on how close your relationship is with your father as well.

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Re: Dad chooses extended family...

You're an adult. You don't have a lot of family, they're children, and they haven't done anything to you. The circumstances of their birth isn't their fault.

Why would you try to deny them family members' love and care? Exactly what religion do you follow?

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Re: Dad chooses extended family...

I'm not trying to deny them anything. When I see them, I give them kisses etc.
its not them I have issues with.

Its my dad who chooses to revolve his life and weekends around them, not us.

If you read my birthday meal example in a previous post. How would you feel if you dad chose not to go to your birthday meal because your cousins were coming but when it came to your cousins, he'd happily go along?

We've had to come back from weddings, not allowed to go anywhere etc because they are coming and need food etc.

I do resent the situation, as for 9 years my weekends have revolved around them.

e.g. I had to miss my Christmas party which I paid for because my dad needed to go somewhere and no one was at home to look after them, even though it was my dad who accepted to look after them.

Their mum won't allow us to come to their house.

If my dad treated us the same, there'd be no issue or didn't allow us to be walked over.

Oh yeah, we also have to hold the birthday parties at our house. Their mum doesn't help or anything but me and my mum have to cook and clean.

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Re: Dad chooses extended family...

the kids arent born out of wedlock if the parents had a registered marriage.

no sympathies for you when you have such a cruel mind.

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Re: Dad chooses extended family...

They had the kids, then registry. The kids were at the registry. Yes they were born out of wedlock.
plus if it not a nikkah, it's not a marriage islamically.

cruel mind because I want my dads to treat me the same and not have my weekends revolve around my uncle and his kids? Or looked down upon by my uncle for wearing a jilbab in my own home? Right ok...

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Re: Dad chooses extended family...

There are parts of your posts that one can empathize with. About ur birthday outing being canceled based on ur uncles plans.

I have no empathy for your attitude towards your cousins "iillegitimate" birth. You are 25. They at 9 to 11. Behave with a clean heart towards them. (No, I am not talking about the outwardly affectionate manner in which u treat them).

You certainly have issues with ur uncle and his children eating non halal meat and doing other things unislamic. That will show up in how the kids mother perceives you. I am not surprised she does not allow you in their home (that is if it is true).

Regardless of what faith you follow, how you treat your fellow human beings is more important than rituals. So starting today, be nice. Inside and out towards ur cousins, uncle and his wife.

That is what the Gita teaches us. Do good. Be good. Don't expect resuts. (And I would add - good things will follow).

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Re: Dad chooses extended family...

She doesn't allow us in their home because she likes to drink etc, which I understand. Even when we have gone over, she's hostile. My parents don't like going over there.

However it is unfair on my mum to run around after her. She's brought her family over, her friends over etc because she knows islamically my mum has to cater for them.
The fact that she won't do the kids birthday parties at their house but they have to be held at our house without her touching a finger.
I just feel sorry for my mum. She didn't ask for this or to be a slave.

She also doesn't like my dad as she doesn't like how a Pakistani man dominates a woman, but happily allow my mum to run around after her.

When she does come over, she wears low cut tops, shows her legs. We live in a Pakistani area near a mosque. It's just embarrassing.

She once told me to take off my tights because I really won't go to hell,

I don't care what my cousins do to be honest. They've invited me over to their step daughters prom and they were all drinking alcohol. I choose to back away because Islam is important to me and my uncle and his wife don't respect that.

All this never used to bother me, however when my dad started forcing me to stay home, coming backing early from weddings, cancelling my birthday party etc. It's just getting to me.

You know you can dislike family members. You don't have to get on with everyone. I just feel like our life revolves around them.

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Re: Dad chooses extended family...

Also, I've know all these non islamic things for a while.

It never used to bother me. I've just have so much resentment over the years that it's hard to put down into words.

I feel like no one comes for my ristha because of them.

But you are right. I need to be more nicer. I'm just afraid they'd expect me to babysit and I have to tolerate her saying stuff. I can't talk about islamic or cultural things and I cannot be myself around them. It's a hard situation as they are family. I wish it wasn't like this.

I love the kids but I cannot talk about islam to them, take them to the mosque, take them Asian clothes shopping etc. The youngest one is talking about having boyfriends. I just don't know how to be around them or what to say. Hence I can only show outwardly affection.

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Re: Dad chooses extended family...

Yea, has happened in our family too, sometimes still happens. When I started feeling resentment, I sat my dad down and just talked to him one on one about everything. It turned out that he didn't even realize that his actions were causing pain to his kids. Alhumdulillah, he tries his best now to balance things out.

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Re: Dad chooses extended family...

This part I can empathize with. Not that you need my certificate - but you are all right. Just continue to be nice to the kids.

And you are correct - you can't get along with all relatives.

Good luck to you. Be well.

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Re: Dad chooses extended family...

I really do feel for you. I know exactly how you feel. My dad is always so nice to his nieces. And laughing and hugging them when he sees them but at home he is always in a bad mood. But it gets worse, my sister gets treated with some much live and respect from him and he runs around after her and her kids and gets them presents and money. where as no matter what I do for him it's never enough. He is never happy with me and his treatment is the same with my kids and I don't want it to affect them the way it has affected me. I actually resent my sister for this and we don't have a proper relationship although I look after her kids like they are my own. As I don't want them to get affected by the whole situation.

I am always running around after him, trying to please him in the hope that I might get some love and respect from him, but nothing makes a difference. People also notice the difference but even though my mum has spoken to him about it many times and so have I, it doesn't make a change to his attitude.

So i would say let it be, be isn't going to change. If you are busy then explain that you can't cook or babysit your cousins. Just go out and do what you have to, you are a grown adult. I understand the whole situation of the birthday party thing as well, the same happens with us. Only your mum can talk to your dad about this, it doesn't seem fair that you r being treated like slaves.

Inshallah a good rishta will come along for you, I understand that you feel that this isn't happening because of your uncle and his family but it will happen in its own time, according to Allahs will.

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Re: Dad chooses extended family...

Maybe you should move out and do your own thing. Seriously, why not. Your dad clearly feels obligated to treating his nieces well because he's beholden to their father for his financial support. That's probably also why your mom goes along with hosting parties for the girls and why your dad expects you to participate too. Since you won't discuss this with your parents, you're just making a lot of assumptions about what's going on and reading their minds, and being judgey. None of this reflects well on you. You're unhappy, so
do something about it- move out, get your own place away from people who bring out the worst in you, and do your own thing. You can't change other people or know their minds but you can change your own circumstances.

P.S: When your nieces were born means nothing in all of this, and neither does their household environment or the religion they're being raised with. They're not your kids and their parents are not obligated to do, say, or be anything to appease you. Don't be a hypocrite. Remember you will be answerable for that so worry about your own self first.