Big Sea Water,
Illinois
March 4, 1881
To the Railroad Superintendent
Sir,
Recently I bought a ticket
Took the money to the office
Gave it to the balding paleface
Sitting at the ticket office.
In his skinny hand he clutched it
While the oil lamp flared around him
Like the moon on Gitche Gumee
And he gave to me a ticket,
It was valid for Chicago.
Yes, Chicago said the ticket
It would take me to Chicago.
Not to Denver, Colarado,
It would take me to Chicago.
I paid dollars for the ticket,
Dollars that had got a face on
Like the face of some great chieftain
Wise and smiling in his wisdom,
So my dollars for the ticket.
When the moon had lit the pine trees,
Lit the pine trees with her fragrance
Not the oak trees with her fragrance
But the pine trees lit she brightly,
Came the east bound locomotive,
Stopped exactly at the depot
Stopped precisely where it ought to.
And I got into the coaches
Coaches labelled for Chicago
These the coaches I got into
Like some bright and shining wigwams
On the shores of Big Sea Water.
Soon I fell into a slumber
Fell into a mighty slumber
Snored into the air like thunder
Three hours snored my mighty bellows
Then awoke with sudden shivering
And a mouth like bison droppings.
When I asked, “Is this Chicago?”
I was greeted with loud laughter
And they said the locomotive
Had a coupling rod that fractured,
As they tried to leave the depot
So the coupling rod it fractured.
And I waited till the morning
But we never left the depot
Where the coupling rod was fractured.
So I’m writing you this letter
Asking you to pay the money
For the ticket to Chicago
Not to Denver, Colorado
But the ticket to Chicago.
Fourteen dollars and a nickel
This I paid to reach Chicago
And I never left the depot.
Send the money by Wells Fargo.
Yours faithfully,
A. Hiawatha (Chief)
This was a parody on Longfellow’s poem about Haiwatha, by Michael Green “Don’t Swing from the Balcony, Romeo”.