I was having a nice chat with my hubby this morning, for once the boys let us talk! And I mentioned the thread that jokes about Desis and their habits…well, I found out that we really offended some family and friends last year…There was a wedding out-of-state and I was so very excited about it and immediately found a nice hotel near the wedding. We had a lovely time, there was a pool in the hotel, a microwave and refrig in the room etc etc. It was the biggest treat for me (and the boys) since I started having them! But apparently family and friends who live near the wedding were really and honestly offended that we went to a hotel.
My side of this is that a hotel is a very special treat and we got to see family and friends as much as we wanted without imposing ourselves on them…ie., crying babies, 3 yr old temper tantrums, stinky diapers in their garbage pails etc etc. And WE had a mini-vacation with a pool, room service etc.
But they were honestly hurt. Being a “gory” I dont really understand this…I mean, I thoguht that I was actually doing nice for them (and also for me :)!) but they dont see it that way…
But now I feel really bad that I apparently hurt their feelings. This is the type of thing that comes up with cross-cultural marriages, thank goodness my hubby is so easy-going and understanding of “gory-ness”…these things take patience and time. I guess next time we go to someones house and sleep on the floor (ack!) I mean really, in my ignorance of this whole cultural thing, had SUCH a blast and was so very completely unaware of the hurt feelings that I was causing.
hospitality is a big thing with desis - if you refuse to stay at someone's house evne if you have good intentions - they think you're trying to imply their house isn't good enough.
Actually Desis are very hospitable folks - for the most part. And maybe that is why they were offended. However, most of us in this day and age would not mind at all, most people stay at hotels when attending weddings such as this one. Maybe call up and talk to the people and see what they think, and explain what you would prefer. I do agree that staying at a hotel can be more fun (esp when you have little kids) and you dont impose on the other party. However, with desi weddings, before the wedding events are all about having fun together, so maybe you missed something. But here in North America staying at hotels isnt a big deal. Its quite common.
i would have loved to stayed in a hotel when we had to attend family/friends weddings...unfortunatly, my extended family wont allow it. Its this whole thing of being involved in the atmosphere of the wedding and how everybody must eat and sleep in the wedding house as it makes the house more like a "wedding house".
Its a pain in the arse having sleep on the floor and share time with people you really dont like, but its gotta be done... you can just imagine the que for the bathroom and how many times breakfast/lunch/dinner is served.
i think some people find it offensive as they like the idea of entertaining guests and spending time with people who they rarely get to see.
It depends on who the people are. Some people i can call up at any time and impose on them at all. Desi or non-desi. It just depends on your relationship with them.
Other family i refuse to meet or stay with because it is just awkward on many levels.
Mama, both times I've been to Pakistan, I've stayed at a hotel. It's just find it's a lot more convenient for both me and my relatives there. They didn't mind at all.
In fact, I feel as if I'm imposing on others whenever I've stayed at somebody's house in the past. For all the reasons you mentioned in your initial post, that's why we also tend to stay at hotels. It's more comfortable for everybody that way.
It really depends on the 'desis' and who the people involved are. You'll be surprised at how many people welcome the idea of guests staying at a hotel. They tend to stay quiet cause it's culturally expected of them to house guests.
we drove down to la once, and usually we stay at my dad's friends house, cus weere close, and my sis n i are friends w/ their kids, but since they moved n we went to la,we stayed at a hotel, and had to spend 1 night at my mom's cousins house, i dont know them and dont really like the kids, and we have never spent the night at thier house,
it was somewhat wierd for me, and dont plan on doing it again.
but desis get upset if u dont stay w/them, esp if theres a shaadi .
We have family everywhere but we never stay with them. When we travel to the Mid East we usually rent out a villa or something but never stay with family and friends. They ask but we hate to do that, and I would hate if someone stays at my house. No trouble and no fights, it works out for the best.
well why wud u fight if u r going there for a month or so? i never live in a hotel or anything when i can live with soo many relatives n have a blast day n night with my cousins. itnay say dino k liyay jana hota hai back home, uspar bhi nakhray karnay say kya faida? i never complain about sleeping on the floor or living without air condition. i have relatives ranging from filthry rich to average to very poor. n i dont mind staying with any of them in any condition. hehe aur its so much fun during weddings though. we hardly sleep at nights, we are usually too busy talking or just preparing for the next day.
i wud understand living in a hotel if u r not close to ur relatives but other than that i wudnt even think of living away from nanoo when i am actually in the same city!
^ I'm used to clean rooms, privacy, and no screaming brats throwing temper tantrums all over the place, and being able to run to the nearest Rite Aid to buy toilet paper, why should I compromise on that? When I was in pak, my mom and I stayed with my dad in our house for hte first time. We spent pretty much the entire day at my grandmother's house, from 9 AM to 11 PM, (we spent nights there during the weddings) and only spent slept in our house where we had our own rooms and could relax and enjoy the quietness. It's not about poor or rich, it's hwat ur used to and comfortable with.
It's just been the three of us (my mom, dad and me) for so long now, there's no relatives nearby who come over every day, so I'm used to it. I don't know how I could cope if I wasn't able to enjoy a few hours alone. Yeah it gets lonely sometimes, but taht's why I'd like to live in Pak for a while. That way, we have our privacy but we have all our relatives nearby if we ever need anything :)
^ sara, its always been 4 of us as well. i've lived abroad all my life. i have my privacy with me all the time but if i am there , i am there to be with my relatives n my nanoo for a month n thats it. i think my privacy can wait for a month for her. bila wajah shor machanay say nakhray karnay say ppl think that u r doing that cuz u r from abroad and are not good enuf for them. i dont want them to feel like that. i've slept on the floor with my cousins to charpais to luxurious beds. i never complain. its the kind of company u have that counts. jahaN apnaiyat hoti hai wahee dil lagta hai.
khair i am not saying u r wrong or i am right.. har kisi ka apna rehan sehan hota hai apna life style hai. whatever u feel more comfortable with :-)
come to think of it i’ve come to realize that i’ve always been very very spoiled…even as a kid, i wudn’t adapt myself to their toilets and we used a makeshift toilet…whenever i stay over there, they put up a charpai…my cousin and his wife and their three kids will sleep in the drawing room while my mom, cousin and her kid will sleep in his room… they all say they dont mind and i dont think they do but i realize i have way too many bad moods than I should and i can be very b!tchy…not good :(…waisey i don’t understand how they could ahve tolerated all this crap from me…I would never take any of the attitude I used to spew out, at least I don’t think I should..i guess that’s love…
We have this problem in when we go to Paks, and my parents try to smooth things over with the relatives by blaming their kids.
Try phoning the relatives beforehand and tell them that because your kids need this or that and to alleviate the stress on other guests it would be more considerate of you to live away in a hotel and spend your hard earned money (purely out of consideration to them) on your accommodation.
This way, mama..... you become a little more "Desi auntie" ie. a tincy wincy conniving! (in a nice kind of way of course)
Having said all that, I guess your relatives ...Well, the ones that matter will eventually get used to you and your idiosyncracies.
And far more importantly
You will NEVER be able to please all the relatives all the time..... no matter what you do.
i LOOOOOVEE staying at my relatives place when i go back to pak.. the thought of spending a month in a hotel, knowing my cousins are in the same city is soo not comprehensable (sp?) to me.. I mean.. u spend a fortune going back to see these people, wouldnt u want to spend all ur time with them? its only for a very very short time anyways if u compare it with the time spent away from them..
i just adoooore the hulla gulla.. cousins, aunts, uncles going in and out of the house doing things.. i love sleeping on a bed with like 4-5 cousins.. staying up till Fajr laffing about retarded things... u sooo cannot do that in a hotel room.. and for that one month, i dont care about privacy at all..
I've never stayed at anyones homes. When I come and visit my parents I will stay with them, however if I come with my husband we will stay at a hotel. I hate staying with people and I would never want anyone to stay with me.
i love houses filled w/ people when im related / am friends with everyone. but when i go to my cousins shaadi than their other side comes over, and they have a bigger family than us, and is 98% girls. there all the goody goody type i hate. and than old relatives i dont know come stay and that sucks even more.
i only like stayin w/ my khala (good food) and my mamou in texas ( there just cool, and we are usually the only ones there)
