Hi all, was wondering how to deal with criticizing inlaws. The other day I was on Skype with my inlaws(mil,fil,and sil). My father in law seeing my almost three year old daughter sing abcs asked me why I haven’t taught her qalma yet and taught her abcs instead and then he very rudely in a loud voice said qalma seekhao aise then later when my daughter said bye he again said y did you teach her to say bye why didn’t you teach her bismillah.they are visiting me soon Iam scared to deal with him .what should I do,how to handle him ?
Re: Criticizing inlaws
What should you do? Get off GS and teach the poor kid Kalma
Re: Criticizing inlaws
Does your FIL usually act like this or was this the first time? If it was the first time and he's usually a pleasant person to interact with, then maybe he was just having an "off" day and you shouldn't be afraid of him.
Islamic concepts should be taught with gentleness, so his approach was wrong. But he is not wrong in that your daughter should learn about religion as well. Next time your FIL says something, gently tell him that you are trying to teach your daughter Islamic concepts as well and the best way to teach them ...as per even the Sunnah...is through sabar and araam se/with gentleness. That sort of gives him a hint or hopefully it will without sounding rude. You can teach your daughter the salam, so she can try saying it when she sees her grandparents on Skype. Kids' minds are like sponges, so they're able to absorb and pick up information from two different languages. So, you can incorporate religious education at home that your daughter will be able to handle.
Re: Criticizing inlaws
Thanks for the help. Actually this will be my second time meeting him and I usually don't talk to him much. My daughter does know how to say salaam and she even said it in her own way but I think he didn't hear it. I have been giving her islamic teachings including kalma but she can't say it as her speech is not very clear .
I'd just take it easy and say nothing.
You will never be able to please everyone, ever.
Accept it, try to teach your daughter because he's not wrong in his message and ignore his attitude.
Re: Criticizing inlaws
Yeah, don't get defensive or engage in a discussion about this stuff. Just accept the comment and leave it. Then consider whether or not your child is ready to work on these things. You don't need to "prove" you are a good mother or a good Muslim to anyone else. Just honestly reflect on your parenting and determine what more needs to be done, based on your own desires and observations.
If/When she is ready to recite things to others, feel encourage her to do so in front of those who have shown an interest in her religious upbringing.
Re: Criticizing inlaws
i dont think this is "criticizing in-laws," that’s just an elder talking. My mother's cousin comes over to our house and often says that we haven't taught our toddler the kalma or the proper islamic stuff and we shouldn't get excited about him dancing etc...
But the reality is that we recite the kalma to him every morning and before bed time....My toddler, when asked to say Allah hafiz, says bye-bye...But inshALlha he will say it once he learns it. The important thing is he known that he needs to say Allah Hafiz and Salam.
So don't worry, your FIL and MIL will see you teaching her the Kalma when they are visiting, they will see you correcting her or asking her to say Salam or Allah hafiz ...and they might or might not understand that its just kid behavior.
Re: Criticizing inlaws
That’s good. :k: So, if FIL does say anything again in the future, let him know you’re teaching her but her speech is still developing so it’s unclear. Keep it simple, don’t turn it into an argument or confrontation. And let him know whenever your daughter has said the salam. That way he will respond to her salam so she gets the dua, and it lets her know it wasn’t ignored, and he’ll see that she’s trying but that her developing speech will take time. Reminds me of when my niece would say “ash-shaman” ..that was her way of saying salam, lol.
Re: Criticizing inlaws
Go teach her kalma and salam.
Re: Criticizing inlaws
Try that your husband handles the situation. He knows his father and knows the appreciate way to respond him.
Re: Criticizing inlaws
Go teach her kalma and salam.
She said she has been teaching her daughter kalma and salam.
However, kids can be shy.
Re: Criticizing inlaws
Really, bro? Did it take as long to teach you kalma as it did to make a post on GS? You probably were a genius kid but for us ordinary humans it doesn’t take ten seconds to teach a kid kalima.
Re: Criticizing inlaws
She said she has been teaching her daughter kalma and salam.
I had missed that part.
Re: Criticizing inlaws
In Pakistan kalma was part of first grade curriculum meaning ages 5-6. And everyone learnt it. But now there is competition even in religion. There is a hadith saying that kids should be taught the salah/ namaz starting at age 7, but nowadays people throw a fit if kids don't know namaz by age 7. Sadly this is true even in regular worldly education.
Regarding in laws, they would never be happy, when mine came here to visit in the US, they were thinking that my kids wouldn't even know the basics of islam but when they heard my kids doing daily duas like dua before eating, leaving the house etc. MIl got on my case saying, this is too much, they should just do Bismillah, that's enough etc. even though they have themselves done multiple hajjs and umrrahs.
Re: Criticizing inlaws
oh yeah I was a genius kid, no questioning that and you could be genius too if you stop talking everything for its face value 
Re: Criticizing inlaws
I just got jealous of the likes you got. I had to call you out on it. 
Re: Criticizing inlaws
Thanks everyone for the tips and advice I appreciate it. I also agree with my father in law that my daughter should know kalma but I think the approach was not rite the way he said it hurt my feelings I felt like I'm not a good mother. when they will come and he will see himself that I do teach my daughter about Islam he will be ok with me. The last time he visited I just had my daughter so couldn't fit in any salwar kameez . I was wearing my maternity jeans at home and he told me how I should dress up like a Muslim and not wear jeans or any western clothes so may b that's the reason I'm feeling kind of uneasy . Hope he doesn't judge me
Re: Criticizing inlaws
He'll judge you. You can't control/change him. You want to be liked and approved of, and it's not surprising that your feelings were hurt by his assertions. That's a pretty normal reaction. HOWEVER you need to be confident in yourself. Make choices that you truly, honestly feel are best, and others' opinions will not matter.
Re: Criticizing inlaws
pakigirl, thats what in laws are for.
Re: Criticizing inlaws
All u can do is b a good example for your daughter, kids pick up so quickly.
My 3 year old has speech problems but she tries to salaam when meeting or leaving someone, she says Al humdulillah or tries to when she sneezes n Bismillah when needed because we always say it n she has picked up on this. I also teach Quran at the mosque n she comes with me n nearly know all the 1st page of alphabet but she refuses to do it at home, it's just cause there r other kids there.
I'm sure u r trying n that's all u can do, If u r following religion in everyday life n setting good example, she will pick this up n copy u. I wouldn't get into any confrontation with in-laws, they will c for themselves u r trying when they visit. If there is ever a situation then let hubby handle it.