Hey!
I am back again with another problem people usually face. This time its a story of my first cousin.
She got engaged 2 months back. Masha Allah she is happy but she gets really upset some times because her fiance seems to be the ever-so-particular and critical sort of person. He tends not to be okay with many things, some times even the minutest that people dont bother about.e.g. her brother wished him by saying congratulations jigger! Now that is common language in pakistan and it shouldnt be that offensive for any one. Similarly, she was telling him of a conversation that she & some one he knew had. She quoted his words direct and he found that rude. She was telling some one’s story and he didnt like that privacy of some one be discussed. I mean its her fiance and girls love discussing and sharing what happens around them. Its natural.
There are many more examples of things where he finds normal things a little too exaggerated or finds not sophisticated behaviour. He isnt rude to her but politely lets his point of view be known. But its incessant behaviour because of which she is very careful with him and tries not to be open.I understand that some people are particular and find things offensive that others find normal. But it makes the other party feel suffocated. She was saying that i feel that i know nothing, i am a nobody and i am some stupid person who doesnt know what to say and how to act.
So how should one handle critical or highly-sensitive or overly-particular kind of people so as not to offend them yet be relaxed in the relationship? I asked her if she could talk to him about it, she said its too early in the relation and she isnt comfortable doing that. By the way, its an arranged marriage and the guy is apparently happy about it. She keeps wondering if she has so many faults or if she really isnt that good for him or if she really doesnt know how to act, will he ever love her or will the relation ever proceed to a close bond or she will always have to act a sophisticated self throughout?
I am assuming some of the stuff he says is probably better manners, like not violating someone else's privacy. Some stuff may just be his quirks like being referred to too informally. And some stuff may just be ridiculous. It is a matter of time and them getting used to each other.
My SO used to be crazy about maintaining other's privacy. And I am not the kind to violate it. But he slowly learned that my intention was never to gossip/disclose others' private affairs. It was annoying though, but after telling him a couple times what my intentions were, he got it.
This is person is imposing himself and his views on her..... snubbing everything she says.......its just a matter of time before he starts to control each and every aspect of her life.......she will lose her personality and identity.........she deserves better......someone who accepts her for who she is.....
Honestly though. It sounds like she has a low self esteem already if he’s not saying things in a rude manner but being polite and she still feels like this. and I can tell with firsthand experience…it will either make her a stronger/better person OR ruin her self esteem even more.
He seems like an otherwise decent person and it is normal to not be so open in the beginning…at least he’s not acting a certain way now and then change on her after marriage…that wud be worse.
has she tried to speak to him about how she feels?
such people are really difficult to live your life with. Its plainly like walking on fire bare footed. Maybe if your cousin really loves her fiance she can work over it after marriage and bring a positive change and flexibility in him since LOVE and companionship is that miraculous a power, but she would really have to be long time patient and tactful.
such people are really difficult to live your life with. Its plainly like walking on fire bare footed. Maybe if your cousin really loves her fiance she can work over it after marriage and bring a positive change and flexibility in him since LOVE and companionship is that miraculous a power, but she would really have to be long time patient and tactful.
What if he is one of those who cannot be changed ? She should just bet her life and take a chance ?
well thats her choice. maybe the person has some good qualities too. maybe he worths a chance. we do not have a first hand story here. and the guy will marry someone eventually and maybe he isnt as horrible as he sounds. I would rather OP's cousin should take a back foot and observe if he has some feeling for her otherwise it will be only playing with fire.
I just saw this part “I like doing this”