Someone I know just went through this recently. They met a family through their daughter’s school programme. eventually both families became good friends , visiting and inviting for dinners and dawats etc , going out for picnics together.
a few days back, she found out that the man in that family has had a criminal past. Suddenly she is scared to go there herself and wont allow the kids to visit them either.
Common friends think she is over reacting. But others say she is right to avoid the family .
What would your thoughts be? is she right to keep distance? or should she carry on since they became really good friends?
PS : the guy has a record of violence , burglary and assault
i would say those who say "stay away" are right. i think one should stay away from convicted criminals, especially if he has been convicted of assault.
you never know when this guy will boil over on some trivial matter and cause harm to the them or their kids.
Better to be safe then sorry. Safety of children is more important than hurt feelings. I do think the children could be allowed their play dates if they meet at neutral areas.
if there is a fight between kids for any reason, the man's participation will be inevitable. he will coming to this families residence frothing at his mouth and boiling with anger...you can imagine what will then ensue!
i would say kids should not be allowed to play with this violent man's children in order to avoid conflicts and potential for violence.
eventually both families became good friends , visiting and inviting for dinners and dawats etc , going out for picnics together.
How long were the 2 families friends before she found out about his past? Few months? 1 year or more?
PS : the guy has a record of violence , burglary and assault
How long ago were these crimes committed (or at least the very last conviction)? Was it within the last few years? Longer? Was the man a teenager/college student when it happened? Does your friend know any details at all about the crimes (especially the assault? Or the only thing she knows is that he was arrested/convicted?
P.S. You said he has a record...but I still wanted to clarify....he was actually convicted and served time/paroled/fined whatever right? Not just arrested?
I would stay away. I mean if the kids play together at school, I think that's the most I would allow personally because it's not the kid's fault. BUT safety of my children would be my utmost priority and nowadays you just don't know. I wouldn't want them over at my home and knowing where I live and the details of my family's life.
I think I would slowly start to create a distance.
How long were the 2 families friends before she found out about his past? Few months? 1 year or more?
How long ago were these crimes committed (or at least the very last conviction)? Was it within the last few years? Longer? Was the man a teenager/college student when it happened? Does your friend know any details at all about the crimes (especially the assault? Or the only thing she knows is that he was arrested/convicted?
P.S. You said he has a record...but I still wanted to clarify....he was actually convicted and served time/paroled/fined whatever right? Not just arrested?
This ^
It is important to note that no criminal system is perfect and neither are human beings. If the crimes were done in his past...when he was younger I don't think I'd worry about that too much. If it was recent, I'd be wary.
People come from all walks of life and unless they give us a reason to be careful of them, there's no reason to start thinking he will boil over in rage and hurt someone...you have no idea of his crimes or his anger...why even go that far? What if it was minor offense that he wasn't convicted for but arrested for?
Common sense says unless he has shown you behavior that alarms you, no need to start jumping to conclusions. Be careful but don't create scenarios in your head that might never have existed.
How long were the 2 families friends before she found out about his past? Few months? 1 year or more?
*4 years *
How long ago were these crimes committed (or at least the very last conviction)? Was it within the last few years? Longer? Was the man a teenager/college student when it happened? Does your friend know any details at all about the crimes (especially the assault? Or the only thing she knows is that he was arrested/convicted?
*Roughly within the last 9 years
*
P.S. You said he has a record...but I still wanted to clarify....he was actually convicted and served time/paroled/fined whatever right? Not just arrested?
Yes he was charged and served time in the prison as well.
How did she find it out? By some reliable sources? Is she sure about this information? If yes, then yes, I would stay away from such a family.
The guy's wife told her in trust. Coz she felt that their friendship has come to that level where they would be able to understand this whole thing. But its taken a toll on her instead of trying to understand their situation ..
Most of what KKF has said in his posts , is what she is echoing too ..
Chicken Biryani: So she has been friends with this family for 4 YEARS. Clearly that man never did or said anything to her, her children or anyone else for her to even suspect that he could be a threat to her or her family. Now all of a sudden, b/c of what the man’s wife told her, he’s become this violent predator ready to cause harm?
I understand we women tend to be emotional. But seriously, if the man hasn’t shown any violent tendencies towards her or her children in 4 YEARS….she honestly believes its rational for her to think that he’s going to all of a sudden go nuts one day? Is she going to start running a criminal background check on ALL of her kids’s friends parents, neighbors etc? BTW, just b/c a person does not have a criminal record, that doesn’t guarantee that they’re not pedophiles or is not capable of hurting a woman/child. Just watch the news and see how many adults out there commit heinous crimes and its their first time. Unless your friend plans on just shutting out the entire world so there is 0 chance of her/kids getting hurt, she needs to judge people based on what she sees as opposed to something they did years ago. If she had known them for a few months, my opinion may be different. But she has gotten to know them over 4 YEARS!
More questions: What does your friend’s husband think about this? Does he also want to cut off all contact with this family outside of school?
Paheli , I agree with most of what you said. I feel we are living in those times, when we just cant be sure of people in many cases
Well , one of the key things happening to this lady is guilt and anger. Guilt , coz she thinks she trusted them so much , without finding out first who this family is. She realizes now that not a lot of people come to their house , perhaps this was the reason why.
Her husband is just feeling the same , the anger is about them not having shared this earlier. If they had come clean , we might have reacted differently, she says.
I believe they are more concerned about the serving Jail bit , if it was one of those non significant charges , she wouldnt have been so worried.
Personally , I am unsure about how to judge this situation, I can see her perspective and confusion. But at the same time, I can also understand that the person committed a crime, served the punishment. Social isolation isnt really going to help him in any way, it might just make things worse for him.
CB...I don't see how a person's criminal record is something to come clean about in a social setting.
These people are not obligated to tell anyone anything about their personal lives at all...they aren't proposing to your friend's family...its just friendship. The fact is the wife seems a bit naive in thinking she can tell people this sort of personal stuff. I'd say in telling your friend she made a big mistake. She should not have because its obviously damaging their reputation as well as image in peoples' eyes. And you can see that because your friend told you and now your opinion is unsure of them as well. If they were harming someone, it becomes an issue where others can become concerned but if they're not...its not.
No one is proud of having a criminal background. I am positive that in the 4 years she has known these people, nothing could have given it away that one of them had a criminal past. But now that its out, small things like no one coming over is seen as a big deal. People don't come over to my place a lot either...neither one of us has a criminal history.
The difference between an average person and a criminal **sometimes **is that the criminal actually got caught.
Being careful and not keeping direct contact with him is one thing that i'd suggest. However, for his crimes his children shouldnt be punished. They should be allowed to have contact, playtime etc with yr kids.
Further, was he charged for a burglary crime or an assault, or both? It does make a huge difference.
Its not just about hurting or to seem like a threat. When someone commits such crimes, not only that he is being punished but interrogations take place from his family members and close friends. Since CB told that her friend realised that they dont have a social circle and also mentions how close their family are, so even if something happens in future that might not relate to the friend's family directly but may effect them.
People change. I'm sure your friend also has skeletons in her closet too. If she hadn't found out about the guys previous criminality then she would've been none the wiser and had no cause for suspicion so that alone shoud be enough reassurance that he's put his past behind him.
Very sensible replies , thanks guys , I agree with this majorly that if there isnt anything in his behaviour to suspect , then it should be fine . Perhaps its the shock of knowing that is keeping my friend away. I have advised her to stay on contact but keep a distance until such time that she feels absolutely comfortable.
BTW, just b/c a person does not have a criminal record, that doesn’t guarantee that they’re not pedophiles or is not capable of hurting a woman/child. Just watch the news and see how many adults out there commit heinous crimes and its their first time. Unless your friend plans on just shutting out the entire world so there is 0 chance of her/kids getting hurt, she needs to judge people based on what she sees as opposed to something they did years ago. If she had known them for a few months, my opinion may be different. But she has gotten to know them over 4 YEARS!