Growing up my family was pretty close. Well at least through my child eyes we all spent time together and visited each other. I have fond but faded memories of being with my cousins and Aunts and Uncles. I’m glad I got a chance to know who they were. We were all scattered around Canada, a few in U.S. And the others in Pakistan I only knew through photos or letters. That was the 1980’s. And now that I’ve grown up, gotten married and moved away, I think about my family even more.
Of course my cousins have also gotten married and moved away. But that physical distance has also increased the emotional distance. We rarely keep in touch. I only randomly hear news through my mom. I only find their names on facebook. A handful of my cousins have drifted so much that they want to remain hidden or private in facebook as well. I know which one of them will not even entertain a friendship request. They’re not religious and they’re living lives that are secret from the rest of the family.
It makes me sad that we’ve all lost touch. It makes me sad that my cousins feel closer to their friends who party with them than they do their own blood. It makes me sad that they’re so afraid of judgement that they take great pains to stay hidden. It makes me sad to see my family falling away from religion. Some of the younger ones, I don’t think I could even carry on a conversation with. I can just see a lack of humility and lack of fear of God in them. I wonder if we will ever even talk again. Or is this just how it will always be? It’s not like I desperately demand my cousins to live the ‘right way’. But I have to be honest with myself that it hurts. I care for them very much. And to see that they probably don’t care is hard.
saimanyc, I am in the exact situation except that I am like one of your cousins that you are complaining about. I have no interest in staying in touch with my cousins, uncles or aunts. I would of course be nice to them when I see them at family gatherings and even ring them up at Eid, etc. but in my heart I have no feelings.
People have more responsibilities as they grow older, so there is more distance and secondly there is less bandwidth.
Secondly, how they live their life is their business. Everyone can be disappointed in anyone else for becoming different then they were as children, or for making choices in life that the observer does not agree with.
I can understand people keeping their profiles private. People always had aspects of their personality that were visible to a subset of people they knew, putting everyone in one place simply would not work or present challenges that one would rather not deal with. If the cost of that is some people mostly from the past getting a little miffed, then it's worth it.
If you make an attempt to reach out to them and not be judgemental or preachy, you may rebuilt old relationships.
So thats for sure Saimanyc that you arent alone in this situation. There are plenty and plenty of ppl going thru similar experience.
The question is what can you do to get the things better to some extent..
Remember, actions speak louder than words. So why not it be you who touchbase with all your cousins from time to time. May be you dont get response too quickly but if you are persistent, you'll get atleast few people along, if not all.
Isnt it better than only being sad!
Let me share a very good quote I read the other day, which defines the motive of our lives that should be,
"**"To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation;"
Did you read that "redeemed social condition"..? Ring a bell?
**
FG I know what you are saying, although I am not to that level. There are people I am in touch with, even if we have different views and all, some that I am not in touch with because well there is not much in common or much of a relationship, and some I avoid.
I don't see the need to be tight withevery relative or every single person I met in school.
But how can there be no feelings, unless some traumatizing event took place? It's just been a slow drift. Kids growing into teens who don't want religion and then into adults who have lived lives they want hidden. But does that always result in someone who avoids their own family? I swear it's like some of my cousins have a smirk on their face when they've talked with me in the past. Like they think I'm very simple and religious. I wonder if they imagine that they're living better lives?
oh and btw online socializing tools also play great part in re-discovering the links. I was sort of cut out from many cousins (well 2nd cosines to be exact) but as they all started joining and using facebook regularly, I have rediscovered the link. It might not be as strong as it used to be in our childhood and sleepovers but we are at least aware of whats going on and how is everyone doing.
personally I dont think that feelings can ever go its just that person get so busy with other priorities. Once you get back into same environment, you will find it easy going and almost the same relationship
Yeah I tried reviving a few friendships of 20 years ago with cousins and non-cousins and after a couple of email exchanges it fizzled down to no more contact. I just get more junk forwarded emails from them. So I end up blocking them.
I have a handful of cousins that I stay very tight with and through facebook. I think we have the most in common but whatever else they do, I never judge. I think it's my personality to give to others and I'm like an open book. I am what you see the first time. There's no pretending with me. I go with my gut instinct the first time. So I did message a couple of my distant cousins on facebook and got at least a hello with one. With some others, I was never acknowledged. I guess they feel safer keeping their little worlds without any surprises. So I don't want to feel like an intruder where I'm not welcome.
Saima with all due respect the way your views of their alleged lifestyles are appearing here if they get the same sense in personal interactions or what they hear then I can see their point about maintaining a distance.
Words of wisdom coming up. All my followers should write them down.
Some relationships do notbecome stronger due to increased frequency of contact and intimacy. A respectful distance in those cases ensures that the status quo is maintained. Proximity intimacy and increase in contact frequency may just make a weak relationship into a negative or antagonistic one. In such cases prudent thing to do is to not force closeness.
I'm definitely not forcing closeness. A hello after years is me saying that I care for them and remember them. I guess I don't want them to think that nobody cares. And PCG, I'm sure they fear being judged. And they don't have to talk to me but I'm trying to understand why they don't want to. To some people I'm a sinner because I don't cover my head, I listen to music, I have gay friends, etc. But to others I'm simple and religious. I can't predict how someone will react to me.
saimanyc, if you are interpretting a facebook decline as a sign of no interest from your cousins than I think you are over analyzing this. A lot of people do not share their FB account with relatives. They do not want to mix professional/social circle of friends with relatives.
If you really want to get in touch then shoot them an email (no mention of FB please) or just call them.
funguy, i'm just using fb as an easy example. Any time I've seen these cousins in person, they're very aloof. One of them was texting the whole time he was over at my parent's house. (girlfriend) Then another female cousin was forced by her mother to come say Salaam. So she drove 20 min ran through the house saying Salaam how are you to everyone and ran out the door. She also had a night planned with friends and boyfriend. But that's how they are and maybe I should just accept it. I wonder if I'm the only one who is bothered by this attitude. I fear dying tomorrow and not having been there for my family. I don't understand how they can show such little concern.
Well the two examples you gave seems like both are single and may be do not see themselves being on the same wavelength as their married cousin with children. How about older cousins? Do they act like that too? I guess you can give these young uns the benefit of the doubt for being careless because of their age.
True, I am now married with kids but the cousins were pretty much the same before I got married. And they're not teens anymore. Ages 25-35 for 3 of them. Then a few others are in their 40's married to white guys.
Does it matter? I bet if you did speak to them there wud be a thread up here saying how you hate them! Cant win! I dont speak to my first cousins, i see my 2nd cousins on weddings or funerals only. And my 3rd -4th 5th I dont really care!
Theres been memories but people move on and dont care to take these memories with them! Sum people really do hate family. I wud prefer living life how i want too without family judging me. I only have my uncle on my facebook who is very chilled out and from my generation. So whatever i put up he doesnt care! I wud never add any other family member!!!! coz i know what they are like!!
Mixed you bet that I hate them? What? I wouldn't have started this thread and said hi because I didn't care about them. I've already stated that. I'm sorry about your family situation. That's pretty sad. Thanks for your personal input. But I can't relate to your views.
they dont want to be judged by know-it-all holier than thou relatives andd gossiped about through the grapevines of blood relations..thats y their staying away.. smart..btw if u feel like preaching u can just write a book..