Cousin A and Cousin B..

Lifestyle Relationships
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Hey Everyone,

Not too sure if anyone will remember but a few months back I posted on behalf of my cousin…I will quickly rehash the situation..:

Cousin A and Cousin B had been best friends since forever. Cousin A (girl) developed feelings for Cousin B but was not sure whether to tell him as she did not want to ruin the friendship. She suspected he MIGHT like her but was unsure and therefore asked my opinion on the matter. I posted here and got a lot of good responses and I then advised her..So to update the situation and seek further advice:

Cousin A confessed her feelings to Cousin B via txt messages one night. Cousin B admitted he was also in love with her but was unsure as to how to handle the situation as he is especially close to Cousin B’s father and did not want to create problems. Anyway Cousin A convinced Cousin B that it could and would work. Everything was fine. That night Cousin A was over the moon because she couldn’t believe it had finally happend.

Next morning (early) she receives a txt message from Cousin B telling her it was a mistake, that he doesn’t have feelings for her, that he did at one point but he turned them of because she is his cousin (wth?!). He tells her there is no way he can pursue anything with her or any type of relationship because he respects her family too much and furthermore he would never want to marry a cousin. Needless to say Cousin A is heartbroken. She spends all of her time crying which is so sad because she is a gorgeous girl who has so much going for her. I told her that Cousin B is a jerk who doesn’t deserve the thinking time and energy she gives him but she won’t listen.

So I guess advice on the following would be appreciated:

  1. Why would Cousin B behave in such a manner? Any thoughts, ideas? Why did he not think about the fact that she was his cousin before he told her he loved her? Does it seem as though he meant it or not?

  2. How to make Cousin A realize that she can do much better?

Thanks in advance everyone.

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Re: Cousin A and Cousin B..

Get cousin A to witness cousin C seduce cousin B.

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^ If you lack the ability to come up with an intelligent and useful response (which you obviously do), kindly refrain from replying.

Different words for death
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Re: Cousin A and Cousin B..

^I was waiting for that.

It is a very suitable response. If cousin A see's cousin B is interested in another cousin, she will know that 1- This cousin B is very quick to change his emotions, and 2- cousin B really doesn't care whether he is attracted to cousins or not.

However I do realise its not easy to find a cousin C willing to be alluring, so that plan can go out of the window.

Anyhow, my first guess was that Cousin B told his ma n pa or someone, and they poo-poo'd the idea so he had to let her down.

Or, he was under some form of intoxication when he professed his love for her the night before and realised his mistake when he was sober.

Or, he bumped into the love of his life the next day and decided she was better than cousin A.

Can you not get a respected 3rd party to directly ask him to explain himself?

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^ ...Come to think of it he actually did tell her he was on sleeping pills when he texted her back. But I don't think you would tell someone your in love with them if you are on sleeping pills. Wouldn't you be asleep then?

As for getting a 3rd party to speak to him he just clams up. He prefers to pretend it never happend. My concern is not Cousin B, he is obviously a jerk who does not know what he wants. My concern is Cousin A who won't stop crying and harming herself and I have no idea how to make her understand what a loser he is.

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Re: Cousin A and Cousin B..

Well, does he know that his actions have caused this girl to harm herself? He should be made aware that the girl is in turmoil and is harming herself, BCOS of his actions. Tell him that he is the only one who can help her by CLEARLY explaining himself and even if this means blaming his pills or whatever, he has to make her understand that he is NOT going to be part of her future so that she can let go.

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Re: Cousin A and Cousin B..

It is a tough time for your cousin A but she will get out of it...Time is the best healer...Try to be there for her when she needs you and let her take her time...

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Re: Cousin A and Cousin B..

If he clams up, there has to be a reason for it. You or I CANNOT account for what is going through his head, there may be untold reasons for his behaviour, only he can say what.

Living abroad ,I miss Pakistan so much ..Do you?
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^ Very well put. I think you are right in that he needs to realize that there have been consequences for his actions. Thankyou for your insight.

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Re: Cousin A and Cousin B..

B is not a serious person, not serious with his life. He doesnt plan to get married or he likes someone else or otherwise cousin marriage are not a prob normally rather accepted happily by parents.

Its not that A is bad or lack something , i am sure she is a wonderful gal, but its B who is a loser. He is never going to look at or understand A's love coz he is blind at the moment. He is waiting for someone perfect for him. Which he is not going to find ever, coz Perfect doesnt exist.

Tell A to be patient. And do not repeat her love to him again. Coz B doesnt know its value.

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Re: Cousin A and Cousin B..

Help her to get over B, distract her with something maybe shopping clothes? Watching movies? One of my closest friends was left by her boyfriend a few weeks ago, they've been togehter for almost two years and she is not a Muslim, nor is she some of those sleazy cheap girls he was her first boyfriend and he didn't even explain to her why he left her he just said "My feelings have stopped".

Your cousin A seems like a truthful girl and she was brave enough to admit her feelings to him, I'm sure Allah SWT has something good for her in mind, she is not in need of a loser like B. However it might take a lot of time for her to realise it, just stay firmly by her side as you've done all along.

As for B he will surely be paid back in some way near the future. Insha'Allah.

Timepass - June 2013
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Thankyou everyone for the supportive responses. I was trying to remain impartial as they are both my cousins but I realize now that B does not deserve that impartiality. What really bothers me is that A is gorgeous, sweet, caring and intelligent - she looks like a doll and turns heads everywhere she goes. What she sees in him is beyond me. I guess what she, and I, fail to understand is why he would purposely behave in such a cruel manner. I think if, when she admitted her feelings to him, he had just said that he did NOT like her it would have been a lot easier for her to take. But the fact that he chose not to do that makes me think that perhaps a part of him was flattered that such a beautiful girl was interested in him. Only later did the enormity of the situation hit him and he chose to take steps back. Now whenever family gatherings occur he tries to act like nothing is wrong and behaves in a 'normal' manner. As if he has done nothing wrong. I know this hurts her because he has chosen to ignore everything. She even requested him to meet up so she could have a chance to talk about things with him which would help her get over it but he declined. Anyway I hope everyone remembers her in their prayers and that IA she gets over all this soon. Thanks.

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Re: Cousin A and Cousin B..

Insha'Allah she will.

Men are such cowards anyways, they will not admit to their feelings, they are scared they might look weak and whimpy in my opinion it's a sign of weakness to use someone's feeling to his own advantage. I've seen that happening in a lot of cases, girls were eager to marry the boy however they wouldn't tell their parents and just keep her waiting all time, then left her for someone else, the girls were always crushed and heartbroken, however eventually they got over it and realised they were more worth and didn't need such losers.

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^ You are absolutely right. A close friend of mine (pakistani) was dating a guy for about 1.5 yrs (guy was also pakistani). Anyway he told her he would marry her etc etc and then when rishtas started coming for her she told him to send his parents. And guess what? Turns out the jerk had already been engaged for 6 months to some cousin in Pakistan. She was devastated but now she realizes she's better of without him. A lot of guys need to man up a bit and quit playing around with girl's feelings. So pathetic.

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Re: Cousin A and Cousin B..

Definately, yeah that is quite common some boys hiding their engagements at times even marriages(!) and start dating someone else especially if the fiancee is living abroad, so they get their fun here and then refuse to take the responsibilities and consequences of their actions, they try to act like grown-up men but in reality they are only little boys who treat girls like some sort of toys, once they are bored with them they will throw them away and get new ones. I'm not saying all men are like that, however I noticed that kind of behaviour in a majority of Pakistani boys living here :S it's so embarrassing :S at the end of the day they put all the blame on the girl and say "LEKEN she seduced me, yeh larki bohot besharam hai, it's REALLY NOT my fault" yeah whatever...

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^ I agree. It's so pathetic. I guess that's one reason why i'm against conducting relationships before being engaged. If a guy likes me he can take my parent's number and talk to them about it. That is the proper way to do it. If he expects to date me, etc well that just tells me something straight away.

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Re: Cousin A and Cousin B..

Yup that is islamically the right thing to do, if a man truly respects you he won't have an issue with it other than that he is not worth it, if a girl has enough self-respect she won't run behind him, but as I said sometimes it takes time to realise it and then you ought to be supportive.

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Hey Princess,

I understand that it's a difficult time for your cousin and I hope she finds some relief soon.

I have a question. Does this cousin of yours reside in the west ? The reason I ask is because I've found that many desi Muslims living in the west can be squeamish about the idea of cousin marriages.

We can't read Cousin B's mind. He doesn't have mature communication skills. But here are some possible ideas for why he quickly changed his mind:

**1) **He feels squeamish about the idea of pursuing a relationship with a cousin.

2) He is REALLY nervous about how his parents/her parents will react.

3) Perhaps he's not ready for a commitment yet. Keep in mind that girls mature faster than boys.

4) Maybe it's an EGO **issue. Maybe he feels less of a man that your cousin asked him out first. Some guys feel that they should the ONES to ask the girl out FIRST. It's the whole....."I am the man. I am the hunter. Run little girl into the woods....and I shall come hunt you" ** theory*.* Which is why some relationship experts will advise that the guy be the one to ask the girl out first and not the other way around. Hence the practice of playing hard to get. This idea has no place in Islam considering the fact that our Prophet SAWS was proposed by Khadija RA first.

5) Perhaps this guy already has a girlfriend or is also interested in someone else as well. Maybe he likes both this other girl and your cousin........and had to decide on one of them.

6) I do remember you saying that cousin A and B both shared a strong friendship. And often times........when people are friends....they can become apprehensive about starting a romantic relationship because they are afraid that the possibility of a break-up might ALSO destroy the friendship they once shared. This is a VERY COMMON perspective and reason.

7) Or maybe he doesn't have romantic feelings for her.....but felt pressured to say that he did when A confessed her feelings to him.

What your cousin A needs to do:

1) She needs to try her best to move on. She should be proud of herself for having the courage to confess her feelings to someone. It's not an easy thing to do. And she's obviously got more guts than him. And she needs to realize that she deserves to be with someone who will have the desire and courage to reciprocate her feelings with respect. She should NEVER be willing to settle for a guy who does less than that.

2) I know she's hurt. But she needs to try her best to be calm *and **confident **around him. She also should avoid hanging around him too much because that can prevent her from the process of moving on. Plus, she shouldn't give him the idea that she's "desperate"....so she needs to maintain a distance from him. She should focus on school, getting a job, taking care of herself, and OTHER interests that she has. * IF..........IF.........IF.....cousin A realizes that he TRULY **does have feelings for her................then he **KNOWS where to find her........and he WILL **express his feelings. **BUT.......UNTIL THEN...................she should NOT chase after him. Your cousin had done her part in confessing her feelings. She doesn't need to do anything else. IF he has an interest.........he should be the one to pursue her.

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Re: Cousin A and Cousin B..

  1. i dont know the background, but it is like ego or may be cousin A's father did some thing huge for cousin B. so cousin b is loaded with lots of ehsan.

  2. he respects her. and he will be there for her no matter what. but she has to accept one fact that she wont get him until her dad also shows the similar interest (of-course for her daughter) in cousin B.
    so gets her father's view on this matter.

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Re: Cousin A and Cousin B..

Why is the guy being called a jerk etc etc? He said something one night and then said no the other day, its not the right way but don't you think it is a better thing to happen than the usual stuff that goes on. Boy uses girl promises her many things and then backs out.

I don't understand why are the boys always portrayed as culprits. Don't you think the girl was wrong in telling the guy about her feelings. If she liked the guy(which is normal) she could have talked to her mother so that both mothers talk to each other.

Boy has done something wrong but so has the girl

Kindly stop this biased approach

Kui itna bacha nahi huta, na larki na larka