My main question is what strategies do people use/have used when in such a relationship and there are many misunderstandings/arguements going on? IMO cutting down how much you talk doesn’t seem to help much or resolve it because you end up feeling more bitter until one of you gives in eventually. If you think its mainly down to the distance but nothing can be done in the situation and ur partner stops communicating with you or vice versa, then how do you/would you deal with it? Hope what im trying to get opinions on makes sense!
Redvelvet...need you! pleasee help!
My main question is what strategies do people use/have used when in such a relationship and there are many misunderstandings/arguements going on? IMO cutting down how much you talk doesn't seem to help much or resolve it because you end up feeling more bitter until one of you gives in eventually. If you think its mainly down to the distance but nothing can be done in the situation and ur partner stops communicating with you or vice versa, then how do you/would you deal with it? Hope what im trying to get opinions on makes sense!
I hear ya sister!!
Re: coping in a long distance relationship
RV jaldi pohncho.
Re: coping in a long distance relationship
no communication intentionally = stonewalling = time to haul ass because you are dealing with someone too immature.
My main question is what strategies do people use/have used when in such a relationship and there are many misunderstandings/arguements going on? IMO cutting down how much you talk doesn't seem to help much or resolve it because you end up feeling more bitter until one of you gives in eventually. If you think its mainly down to the distance but nothing can be done in the situation and ur partner stops communicating with you or vice versa, then how do you/would you deal with it? Hope what im trying to get opinions on makes sense!
First of all what types of misunderstandings are you both having? Was there an argument? Is there a grudge between the families?
Secondly, it is GOOD and HEALTHY for all relationships to have a little bit of distance and space. Even in a marriage, a little space is good. Because when you constantly hang around others.......they can get tired. They need a little space to breathe. This is important even in friendships. I'm not saying that there should be tooooooooo much distance. But a reasonable amount is conducive to the maintenance of the relationship.
Third............as I told you earlier. The proposal should always come from the guy's side of the family as this is also more respectable in our desi culture. You don't want the guy's family to spread gossip about you by calling you a "desperate and too forward girl who is begging their son to propose." The guy should come after you with his family and propose. There should be NO COMPROMISES over this point. Other female guppies will tell you the SAME advice.
Fourth.............I do not know what arguments have taken place between you and him. But if this is affecting the relationship between you both........then you need to have direct communication with him. Ask him to tell you HONESTLY if he wants to marry you or if he's not interested. Tell him that you need to know the truth because you can't put your life on HOLD for him. Tell him that you can't wait forever and that your parents want you to get married and there are proposals coming in for you left, right, and center. Tell him that you need to know IF and WHEN he is going to propose because you need to get your life in order. And tell him that if he's not interested in marrying you.........he needs to tell you so that you can liberate yourself from the stress of a relationship that is not going anywhere.
You need to have direct communication with him. It has come to the point where you NEED to ask him UP FRONT what his plans are. And if his future plans don't include you.................then you need to have to some DIGNITY for yourself and move on, honey. I know it's hard and painful to do...........but it's better than you and your family dangling back and forth.........unsure about what the guy's family wants to do. It's RUDE to keep a girl and her parents hanging on. So, GET SOME ANSWERS!
Oh lots of issues.. communication issues.. are the worst! Plus u don't get to be with him/her in real :(
Thank God.. all special people are close-by in Dubai :)
Re: coping in a long distance relationship
.
Re: coping in a long distance relationship
Also, if he's avoiding communication...............then he's not mature as Queer pointed out above.
If a guy is REALLY SINCERELY INTERESTED in marrying a girl.............he will MAKE THE EFFORT to keep a connection with the GIRL AND HER PARENTS. But if a guy is not even doing this...........................then he's not serious about the girl.
You both are adults and need to sort this issue between the two of you. So you NEED to have a discussion with him and in this discussion just ask him if he even wants to marry you. If he does, you need to ask when. If he doesn't know.........then tell him that your parents are pressuring you to get married and that you can't continue buying time. Tell him that if him and his family are interested in marriage.............then he NEEDS to get his parents to talk to YOUR parents about the matter so at least your parents can have an understanding of a TIME-FRAME about the situation. YOUR PARENTS would much rather know about his plans from HIS parents.........as opposed to hearing things from ONLY YOU. It will make your parents feel more secure if his parents communicate with your family.
If he says he doesn't want to marry you or is not sure how he feels about you..................have some respect as a woman...........and move on..........don't call him again.
thank you for realising im here! when you replied i had gone downstairs.. was starting to giv up hope! hmmm..things have moved forward with proposal eing accepted since both sides have agreed on official engagement and looking to set wedding date etc Its jus little things sometimes that escalate and get worse and then both get defensive and insecure. what i mean is when both know won't back out either because its serious and you can't let go how do you handle the stress like before making up if that makes sense lol and immaurity is there but not major..however increased distances are increasing the communication gap maybe and causing more probs? like you once said before RV we get used to the attention and when it dies down then miss it.
thank you for realising im here! when you replied i had gone downstairs.. was starting to giv up hope! hmmm..things have moved forward with proposal eing accepted since both sides have agreed on official engagement and looking to set wedding date etc Its jus little things sometimes that escalate and get worse and then both get defensive and insecure. what i mean is when both know won't back out either because its serious and you can't let go how do you handle the stress like before making up if that makes sense lol and immaurity is there but not major..however increased distances are increasing the communication gap maybe and causing more probs? like you once said before RV we get used to the attention and when it dies down then miss it.
You said that the issues are "little".........so are they really worth destroying a relationship over? First of all, you need to give some example of the types of little issues so we get a better picture.
The main thing with little issues is that both parties can have EGO issues. And it's important to let some things slide. And if you can't let it slide...........then there are other ways of handling the situation. For example:
1) Use humor. Make a light-hearted joke. Sometimes that helps reduce the tension.
2) NEVER conduct an argument when you are angry. It can destroy relationships and lead to the development of grudges. If you are feeling angry, there is no rule that says you have to have the discussion right then and there. Instead.........take a break..........calm down.......and then have the discussion.
3) Start discussions with positive points, first. For example, if your fiance has some bad habits that are bothering you.......start the discussion of by telling all the good things you like about him. And then tell him what behavior of his is bothering you.
4) If you both are not agreeing on an issue, the acknowledge his feelings BUT try to compromise or bargain with him.
Until you provide some info regarding what "little issues" you're having, it's hard to advise.
Keep in mind that little issues are best ignored when dealing with in-laws.........as things can get messy.
Redvelvet...need you! pleasee help!
RV jaldi pohncho.
RV...MAYDAY! MAYDAY!!!
RV...MAYDAY! MAYDAY!!!
Reha,
When i first read Yoko's thread, i was hoping you'd come here and post. But you weren't logged in at the time. It's about time you came here. I think you can answer the question more briefly and simply than me. It's a tough issue. You're going to be married soon. What do you suggest? We need your simple and strong wisdom.
My main question is what strategies do people use/have used when in such a relationship and there are many misunderstandings/arguements going on? IMO cutting down how much you talk doesn't seem to help much or resolve it because you end up feeling more bitter until one of you gives in eventually. If you think its mainly down to the distance but nothing can be done in the situation and ur partner stops communicating with you or vice versa, then how do you/would you deal with it? Hope what im trying to get opinions on makes sense!
Aisha...there isnt much I can add to what you've already suggested. As usual, you always manage to cover it all!
Well Miss Yoko...can I ask how you two are communicating?
If you are talking primarily on IM...please dont. Most emotions and feelings dont get conveyed properly over IM or text messaging. If you talk over the phone a lot, then cut it down a little.
Also, I know distance does crazy things to couples so please be patient. If there is nothing you can do to get rid of this distance right away then do your part and that consists of:
Patience and Picking your Battles.
When there is distance between a couple, anything can turn into a huge battle. Something small like not returning a phone call right away can cause people to break up. Why? Because both parties are frustrated, miss each other and that is making them irritable. One thing leads to another and before you know it...you're fighting again! Ive seen it happen myself.
Dont fall into that trap girl...learn to identify your emotions and see if you really should be getting upset with your partner. Always think about your anger...this is so much easier said then done. When you take even 30 minutes to analyze your anger it makes the world of a difference in your relationship.
Re: coping in a long distance relationship
Two more things:
When you initially sense the conversation isnt going as planned and you're not getting your point across...simply shut up. Dont argue right then and there. Let him have his say, say good bye and let it go. Then, think about it for a while before bringing it up. This way, you can plan out your approach.
I really think you guys are going through some growing pains. Your relationship is changing and maturing so there will be some conflict as you adapt into new roles. The only thing that will help is time. :) Hang in there!
Re: coping in a long distance relationship
^Thumbs UP! :)
yehh..thnx pSquared and RV..its like we arent far away literally 15min drive but we don't get to see each other because of family etc so its mainly msn/text and i do try to avoid arguements because im fed up of the negative feelings and stress from it all but when he says things like ' you just piss me off and we are better of not chatting' when his angry then i cant help getting upset. Its things like im saying something and then he gets confused somehow even though im still on about the same thing because the convos flowing because thats just the way i talk like i would in real and he doesnt understand so i say doesnt matter forget it because its not important to explain all over again and repeat myself. Thats what the latest issue was that caused an arguement. I still think back to the early days and miss them and obviously his changing and realising responsibilities nearing marriage which could be why we clashing more now but why be so hurtful. I am going to try resolve the matter and i know he will reply. Wish me luck!
"but nothing can be done in the situation and ur partner stops communicating with you or vice versa, then how do you/would you deal with it?"
ok thats your first mistake,does not matter if you cheated on one another, if you killed someone, or just were being mean NEVER STOP COMMUNICATING! Meaning do not get off the phone or whatever until the problem is resolved. Make is clear that you two will never leave eachother in a fight. Just like you would not leave while your fighting while you are together. There are two things that a LDR(long distance relationship) can not servive without. Yes everyone says the samething but its TRUST and COMMUNCATION! There is no way your relationship can last, becuase its builds itself upon words! Also let him know that a one sided realtionship does not work for the most part when your together, but it really wont work if your in a LDR! NEVER NEVER NEVER, cut down your talking time for the wrong reasons, NEVER NEVER! That will only hurt you. Do you really want to leave him alone when he's upset? I didn't think so!
I have been in a relationship (about to be 3years) where he's in PK and I'm in the states, and his goal in life is to never let me go to bed mad at him or for that matter just upset in general. So many times, we sit on the phone not saying one word for hours at a time, and its might sound stupid, but its the greatest thing ever, because its like we are holding eachother for comfort! While your in that silance you think abt how imp you both are to one another. MA' the long distance did us well, in the sence the way he trust me and all. And vise versa. We have the greastest communication and spark, we always keep things exciting. Yes,, in those three years we have gotten bored off one another for like a week or two, but thats were the commection comes in. He tells me when he's bored off me and i do the same, and we both work on making the relationship better/spicy. There is no way you can't be bored in a LDR because its all words and (those get old sometimes, you just wanna see eachother).
So while your having your misunderstanding, remember that you are TWO different people, trying to spent the rest of your life together. How do you do that? You NEED to respect one another. Its wayy too easy to say, then done. But its a key in a LDR. If he is saying something that is bothering you, let him know, but futhermore, PICK AND CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTS! Not all arguements need to lead into a fight. As a girl believe me you do have control over that. If your fighting, THINK, is this gonna matter 1 weeks from now, 1years from now: prolly NOT! SO LET IT GO! Don't forget you don't have to be the only one who has to let go(its unhealthy), sometimes he needs to let you win, and sometimes you need to let him win, becuase at the end of the day you love eachother, and that the most imp thing!
hope it helps!
My main question is what strategies do people use/have used when in such a relationship and there are many misunderstandings/arguements going on? IMO cutting down how much you talk doesn't seem to help much or resolve it because you end up feeling more bitter until one of you gives in eventually. If you think its mainly down to the distance but nothing can be done in the situation and ur partner stops communicating with you or vice versa, then how do you/would you deal with it? Hope what im trying to get opinions on makes sense!
awww thanx for that Gaia, i can understand and relate to alot of what you said. I spoke to him and he said he's never going to stop chatting etc it was just for that moment in time because we were both upset and needed time out but obviously with msn you can interpret words in different ways. To me it came across as he didn't want to talk anymore and that really hurt. Your defo right about these problems not going to matter after, its just i get so stressed and scared until we make up and resolve it which i know if we were together it wouldn't come to this stage with misunderstandings. Turns out he was already in a bad mood and basically took it out on me, i told him i couldn't read his mind and if he doesn't tell me how am i going to know whats going on in his head. Just soo glad its resolved now though! Thanx to everyone for your input! :-) mods can close this thread now.