It is not an investment which has an ROI (Return on Investment) for the parents. It has an ROI for the kids and the society. Parents are obligated to make sure that their kids are well take care of. It is duty of parents to make sure that their kids are well provided and turn out to be good members of society. Parents investing in kids is not same as investing in real estate.
what about children taking care of parents when they are old? Leaving a domestic help is same as leaving them in a nursing home. To each their own but that something I can't swallow after having worked in nursing homes. Unless there is a family member living with them, then thats fine but leaving your old fragile parents at the mercy of a stranger is cruel imo. But I am not judging, different people different circumstances.
You shall be blamed Nadz even if you faint in surprise when your husband announces his decision in the living room. However. do not turn this into a fight when this happens, just ignore. The best way would be for you to spend more time in the UK, with your husband visiting as often as he can. Start working there and saving up so that your husband can join you too, slowly your in laws will get the idea that you might be getting serious about it and it will not be as shocking as it seems now.
You don't need a convincing argument, just tell the truth of why you are doing it.
For the safety and future of your children.
Maybe I shouldn't say this but as you have daughters I believe it is safer for them to be brought up in the UK.
No matter how you tell them you are going to get the blame, but just take it with a pinch of salt, remember why you are moving. And as someone else said, ask them to move with you. It will be a long and slow process by the time you get your husband over here as you have to get his visa sorted so remind them of this, it will not be immediate.
It will be hard to leave them if they don't have anyone else with them. I still haven't bin able to do it despite being married with 3 kids n it isn't the NORM for daughters to live with the parents but they r on their own. I just can't do it.
I don't see the problem here. You two be honest with the parents. I think.for next 10 years his parents should be fine - I assume they are in their 60s (no need to reveal their ages here)
When the time comes arrangements can be made. Or invite them to join you. They can apply for visa and join you as convenient for them.
As other said let you husband speak for both of you.
Can't believe we are now comparing the love, support and help a child can provide his aging parents with domestic help. New lows everyday. Khair, each to his own I guess...
Nadz, let your husband talk to them. It will be fine, inshallah.
No they are not. But I can't help but appreciate what my parents did for me, the sacrifices they made. And they too know their lives could have been better if they hadn't sent me to schools they could barely afford, fed me the best they could. The least you could do is stay close to them as they get older.
I come from a background where even though I had 5 brothers and one sister still, I stayed back home to take care of my parents. Every waking moment of my time before or after work was dedicated to take care of them. I have no regrets about taking care of them. Both of them died in front of my eye while the best doctors of Karachi provided them care during their last moments on this earth. Law and order situation deteriorated in Karachi right after they died that is when I decided to leave country and I do no regret that either.
Taking care of parents comes from your own heart and conviction, nobody can convince anyone to take care of their parents. But when it comes to making some hard decisions the person who makes those decisions knows what is right thing to do for the benefit of whole family parents included.
How do you think somebody's parents will feels if two or three little grand kids died at the hand of terrorists? It would be devastating for them specially in their old age. They would prefer that their kids and grand kids move to a safer environment and they would be happy to sacrifice comfort of them being closer to their kids and grand kids for the safety and security of their kids. I know I would, I know my parents would and everybody around me I know their parents would sacrifice their own comfort over making sure that the lives of their kids and grand kids get safer.
I have two boys and one daughter. One of my sons is completing his education in next May and second is 3 years away from that goal. I spent and still spending hundreds of thousand of dollars on their education. I and my wife sacrificed a lot to achieve this mission. But we do not expect anything in return. Love of parents for their kids is unconditional.
Although I would love them to find a job in the city where we live but if they find their dream jobs away from me I would not put any pressure on them to stay back for the sake of my happiness. Good parents never hold back their kids for their own selfish motives. Again this love , care and sacrifice is unconditional.
Good parents who think rationally would not send their kids on a guilt trip just to be comfy and cozy in the company of their kids and nobody else has that right either to send someone on a guilt trip about not taking care of their parents. If I spend my last years in a nursing home and my kids are living a happy and healthy life somewhere I would have no regrets about that.
I know a family where the kids have big degrees and could be gainfully employed but their parents have filled their minds with so much guilt and shame about living away from parents that they are living mediocre lives because they have mediocre jobs. They cannot spread their wings and go explore the world for better jobs. If they are happy with their lives I do not know but I know I would not be happy and would be miserable if I could not get a chance to go and find a job consistent with my education and talent.
That said I do understand wanting to leave Pakistan, heck not like I stayed. The hopelessness just eats at you. The only people who're happy there are the ones who are insanely rich and well connected, everyone else is just stuck.
Who can be more safe and connected than those living in a cantonment and kids going to Army school? But that connection could not help those shaheed kids.
How do you think somebody's parents will feels if two or three little grand kids died at the hand of terrorists? It would be devastating for them specially in their old age. They would prefer that their kids and grand kids move to a safer environment and they would be happy to sacrifice comfort of them being closer to their kids and grand kids for the safety and security of their kids. I know I would, I know my parents would and everybody around me I know their parents would sacrifice their own comfort over making sure that the lives of their kids and grand kids get safer.
Good parents never hold back their kids for their own selfish motives. Again this love , care and sacrifice is unconditional.
Good parents who think rationally would not send their kids on a guilt trip just to be comfy and cozy in the company of their kids and nobody else has that right either to send someone on a guilt trip about not taking care of their parents.
Who can be more safe and connected than those living in a cantonment and kids going to Army school? But that connection could not help those shaheed kids.
Yeah they are in 60's. And I have a BIL who.may get.married within a year or so. So.he.is here. By the time husband.cones.over bil should be.married
You and your husband do not need a "convincing" argument. You two are doing something that both of you believe is the best option for your own children. You're doing this b/c you two believe in your hearts that this will keep your little girls safe. You don't need anyone else to approve your decisions when it comes to your children. If you and your husband agree, that's all that matters. Part of being a parent requires you guys to make decisions that others won't understand and agree with.
Your MIL will try emotional blackmail. There is NO doubt about it. And when she does, all you and your husband need to do is look at your daughters faces. Keep remembering how you felt when you heard about the school attack.
Your in-laws do not "need" you and your husband in order to live their life. They are physically/mentally independent and based on what you've written, do not have any serious health issues. Your BIL may be single but he is adult man who will be staying back if/when you guys move to UK so its not like your in-laws will be alone. Heck my MIL is in her early 60's and FIL is 72....and they live by themselves and are totally independent. If and when your in-laws do require help....worry about it then. Right now, your in-laws are healthy and totally capable of living on their own. Thus, you and your husband need to stay focus on your little girls who are depending on you two to keep them safe.
Look, if parents who have only have girls can survive then the boy's parents can too. The real issue is how well they will react and adapt to the situation.
I come from a background where even though I had 5 brothers and one sister still, I stayed back home to take care of my parents. Every waking moment of my time before or after work was dedicated to take care of them. I have no regrets about taking care of them. Both of them died in front of my eye while the best doctors of Karachi provided them care during their last moments on this earth. Law and order situation deteriorated in Karachi right after they died that is when I decided to leave country and I do no regret that either.
Taking care of parents comes from your own heart and conviction, nobody can convince anyone to take care of their parents. But when it comes to making some hard decisions the person who makes those decisions knows what is right thing to do for the benefit of whole family parents included.
How do you think somebody's parents will feels if two or three little grand kids died at the hand of terrorists? It would be devastating for them specially in their old age. They would prefer that their kids and grand kids move to a safer environment and they would be happy to sacrifice comfort of them being closer to their kids and grand kids for the safety and security of their kids. I know I would, I know my parents would and everybody around me I know their parents would sacrifice their own comfort over making sure that the lives of their kids and grand kids get safer.
I have two boys and one daughter. One of my sons is completing his education in next May and second is 3 years away from that goal. I spent and still spending hundreds of thousand of dollars on their education. I and my wife sacrificed a lot to achieve this mission. But we do not expect anything in return. Love of parents for their kids is unconditional.
Although I would love them to find a job in the city where we live but if they find their dream jobs away from me I would not put any pressure on them to stay back for the sake of my happiness. Good parents never hold back their kids for their own selfish motives. Again this love , care and sacrifice is unconditional.
Good parents who think rationally would not send their kids on a guilt trip just to be comfy and cozy in the company of their kids and nobody else has that right either to send someone on a guilt trip about not taking care of their parents. If I spend my last years in a nursing home and my kids are living a happy and healthy life somewhere I would have no regrets about that.
I know a family where the kids have big degrees and could be gainfully employed but their parents have filled their minds with so much guilt and shame about living away from parents that they are living mediocre lives because they have mediocre jobs. They cannot spread their wings and go explore the world for better jobs. If they are happy with their lives I do not know but I know I would not be happy and would be miserable if I could not get a chance to go and find a job consistent with my education and talent.
Who can be more safe and connected than those living in a cantonment and kids going to Army school? But that connection could not help those shaheed kids.
I concede to your point on leaving your parents behind.