hi guys,
have turned to this forum because I?m at my wits end. Have been married for nearly theee years and live with my in laws. I just cannot get on with my mil. I don?t argue with her, try to please her all the time and now I?m exhausted. I?m literally scared of upsetting her because she gives silent treatment and plays games. I love my husband very much and we have been together 10 years but he doesn?t do much to improve the situation. He?s mostly out with his mates and I get blamed because I haven?t given him a child so why should he sit at home! He has tried to intervene and hasn?t spoken to his mum for 6 months but that?s hardly the answer and it doesn?t help me in the long run. When the mil doesn?t talk to me I feel so down and like I can?t function. I know she shouldn?t have this affect on me but she does and I do everything I can to please her so that I don?t fee like this but I know it?s not right hence why I haven?t had a child yet but that?s the topic of most of the arguements now but how am I supposed to explain to a narcisssit freak that it?s because of them. She?s very hands-on and I feel Like because I do everything to please her I will be be pleasing her with my own child, like letting her do everything and make al the decisions because I literally don?t make any. Also she talks about me behind my back and I have found out so that trust hasn?t been built up and I?m weary of her a lot. I feel like a certain amount of understanding and trust is needed with in laws who help bring up the child. Is it just me?
I?m sick of feeling trapped, husband says we will move out but hasn?t done anything and now he doesn?t mention it. I think of hurting myself all the time to end the worry and pain.
Looking for someone to help! Xx
Ss,
Hopefully the members with marital experience will soon chime in with their sage advice. But in the meantime, here are my two cents for whatever they’re worth:
You will have to let go of some things if you want to hold on to your sanity. People will gossip until the crack of doom. Our own siblings and children might even vent their frustrations about us to others. The people who smile in our faces and act like they’re our friends might gossip behind our backs. It’s completely out of our control. There’s no real solution to this. If you and your husband confront MIL about her gossiping, she won’t admit to it. Moreover, she might even become vengeful. And you also risk driving a wedge between her and her gossiping partner in crime (her friends). The best way to counter gossip is to act in a way that is contrary to what has been said about you. In other words, continue treating your MIL and the people within your social circle with the utmost respect and eventually they’ll suspect your MIL’s motives and stories, lol. No matter what your MIL had said about you to her friends…the fact remains that the people who live in her own home (such as your husband) can see that she is the one in the wrong. That’s somewhat of a victory for you, no? So, again, let the gossiping issue go. It’s possible that your refusal to let go of some things is contributing (partially) to the “trapped” feelings you’re experiencing. Until you and your husband move out, the only thing you can do to help yourself is to detach emotionally (and sometimes physically) from situations.
Secondly, you can’t force someone to speak to you if they don’t want to. Their silence might be a blessing in disguise. Conversation with someone that holds a grudge toward you is not likely to be pleasant in the first place. Their razor-sharp words might hurt more than their self-imposed muteness. If your MIL is not speaking to you, is not ordering you around, is avoiding you…then use that time to focus on yourself instead. Take care of you. The ironic thing about controlling personalities is that if you surrender to their every wish, you end up earning their contempt rather than their respect. And if someone has made a firm mind not to like you, then there’s no winning with them. Therefore, continue to be respectful to you MIL and do what you can…but don’t bend over backwards to please her. Have you thought of taking a break for a while? Maybe staying with your parents for a bit?
It seems that your husband is not completely averse to the idea of moving out. It has to be uncomfortable for him as well to be stuck between his mom and wife. In siding with you he risks offending his mom and vice versa. Avoid complaining to him about every little thing that his mom does as that can (over time) create a distance between you and him. Instead pick and choose your battles; let the small issues go. Focus on strengthening your relationship with him. Maybe you both need a vacation or even just time away from the home together…where the topic of discussion is not having a baby or mil’s latest antics. Stress can hinder chances of conceiving as well. At some point you can address the matter of moving out and maybe work together to come up with a more concrete plan…that involves deadlines and actively searching together for a place, etc, etc.
Speak to your hubby in detail as in what you are going through. As for your mother in law you need stand up for yourself. I know it can be hard but unless you speak up nothing is going to happen. You should keep your contact with her to very very minimum…give her the same silent treatment…if not working then get a job and make yourself busy…remember you married your spouse not the in laws so in no way it is your duty to keep them happy…as for having a child is it your/your hubby’s decision not to have one or you are trying? In latter case try consulting a doctor…remember if you dont take a step now it will go on and on like this even after you have a child. Also you wrote you think certain amount of understanding is needed with in laws to bring up the child…that is not true lots of single paremts successfully raise their kids and plus you have your own parents/siblings to help you.
I am sorry you’re going through this but honestly…if you don’t help yourself…no one will. Ending your life doesn’t help anyone. It hurts those who are left behind and is never the answer.
My suggestion: if a child is not in the cards right now, do something else with your life so its not consumed with just the desire to have a baby. These years will never be back and you’ll never be this young again. Get a job, learn a skill, do community service, etc but find your purpose that is not related or dependent on your uterus.
Second, ignore the shit out of women like this. They feed off of your suffering and enjoy it. She wants to see you in pain and you’re giving it to her. She wants to control your life and you’re letting her. She wants to break your self esteem you’re letting her. You’re letting her walk all over you and she’s not even your real mother. Only your real mother has the right to say anything she wants to you. No one else. So stop handing her a place in your life she has done nothing to earn.
Standing up for yourself is never easy. Its supposed to be hard. But its not harder than living like this.
As Reha suggested, you should start doing something for your life. just like your hubby is doing. He keeps himself busy in in own activities then why cant you? Stop trying to please those people who mean nothing and trust me they won’t matter in your coming future so why are you bothering yourself for your MIL now? Parents innlaw will never walk in your shoes so let them think whatever thay want it’s their problem not yours. I appreciate that you dont argue with her. Now you just give her a silent treatment just like she does. Dont act like her personal property.
secondly, babies are not your fault and it’s all in nature’s hand. Why dont you talk to your husband about it? Try to discuss with him because he is the one who is failed to give you enough time. The best advice is that you should start searching for a job because then you will be able to realize that what is actually important for you. You will become tooo busy to giving damn about the gossips and politics at home.
goodluck!
You know, most of us grow up with this fear of MILs. We are told to be submissive to our MILs, not stand up for ourselves for the fear of rocking the boat. But it’s so ridiculous. This unnecessary fear. You don’t owe anything to this woman. She’s just another woman. Yes, she is your spouse’s mom. Sure. She 100% deserves respect. But if she’s not treating you right, you have to put it back on her. If someone else treated you the same way, you would get rid of them. Why is this person so special to be allowed to mistreat you?
Why must you please her? She’s not your mother, nor does she have any real authority over you. There are better, much more samajhdaar, loving MILs out there. She’s just a failure as a MIL. If you are under this much stress in her home, she’s failing. Her job was to make sure you feel at home there. She failed at it. Give her the responsibility for treating you this way. Her behaviour makes HER a certain kind of a person, not you.
And then let yourself grow as a person. Go engage in activities you enjoy.