Our culture teaches us to respect our elders and don't talk back. While this teaching is directed to both male and female children, it seems to be much more ingrained in the females or maybe they just take it more to heart. They don't talk back. They don't question. They simply allow.
I say this because I see so many women, in the desi community, put up with so much that's unfair when they could actually have a voice and speak up.
In the name of being respectful, women tolerate unjust behaviour from parents, siblings, husbands and to some degree even their own children.
Women are taught to put themselves last.
We associate disagreement (no matter how politely expressed) as “disrespect” and therein lies our problem. Disagreement is not synonymous with disrespect.
However,** listening**, does indeed have a lot to do with respect. You may not agree with your children’s views and vice versa, but to be able to openly “listen” to opposing views is essential to mutual respect. This open listening entails being able to consider the other person’s feelings and point of view and being open to reach some sort of compromise or middle ground. The problem is that we have this built-in mechanism (ego) that tends to kick in. And with parents and other authority figures (teachers, etc) …we have sooooo much to do and so much on our minds that we just want the other person (the child) to comply to make life easier. That may happen with more ease when kids are younger, but not as they grow older and are better able to judge and evaluate things and become their own individuals. We don’t always exercise open listening and sometimes we don’t teach it to kids. Also, even among other races you will find parents and authority figures making those trite comments that we are all familiar with such as “Because I told you to”…“Because I am the parent”…“Because you will do as I say”…“When you are living under your own room, then you can do as you please but until then…” etc etc etc.
@redvelvet Very true. We do associate disagreement with disrespect, when in fact countering an opinion or request, when done in an appropriate tone should never be discouraged.
I grew up in a home where all ages were permitted to participate in discussions and voice their opinions. There was no subject that was off limits. Unfortunately, outside of the home things were not as copacetic. Most of our society perceived a young person that spoke against the commonly held opinion of an elder group to be “mouthy”, “unruly” and/or “disobedient”, even when they expressed their feelings in the most polite fashion.
I’ve seen this mindset become so ingrained that many women, even when they know better, will often avoid conversations when they hold an opinion that is contrary to that of their spouse. They will simply comply with whatever the ask may be because they’ve been brainwashed into believing that to counter is to be disrespectful.
Talking back, being disrespectful to your parents is not at all acceptable no matter what the reason.
Being disrespectful to the elders in general is inethical and that’s contrary to the basic structure of a family and a society. Our desi community flawed as it is, still tops the community culture here in the west. That’s how we as humans are designed to live. Obviously, there’s room for improvement. A lot less gossip and a lot less leg pulling can help nonetheless, that’s the system that is given to us. Our way of sharing happiness and sharing grief is all tied to being a community and being a good part of family.
I say this on a standpoint of a father and a son. So I have been on both sides and as long as I intend to be fair, life is fair.
I think you have to realistic about every matter of your daily life tings and should respects your elder you can contradicting them but should be in respectful and mannerly ..
this is something that i often think about. and have had my share of run-ins over.
one thing i will carry with me into parenthood at some point is this: parents are humans and make mistakes, and most importantly.. they will not always know what is best nor what is right. and therefore as a parent, we would need to humble ourselves or accept that we will make mistakes and at some point may even learn from our children.
totally agreed
females in our society are always taught to not fight back , to stay quiet even in worst situations and be humble. no matter what you feel. this practice has become so common. even after getting an unjust behaviour from.in laws siblings and husband the spressed women never say even a word. i have personally seen such women. to be true, i am personally a victim of such bad practice. sigh