Considering a Divorced Man

Lifestyle Relationships
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Apologies if this has been discussed before but I need your advice everyone.

I recently met somebody for the purposes of marriage who I was told was previously married but divorced. I agreed to meet with him only because I’m aware of the fact that life isn’t perfect and things happen that are beyond a humans control and the khadar of Allah SWT. Anyway, I found this man refreshing from the usual rishtay- he was kind, honest, genuine and open about his experiences and I found we could talk about anything and everything. Alhamdulillah. We both agreed that we felt mutual chemistry towards one another and felt we were compatible, mashallah.

The situation has got to the stage where he’s told his parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them before I tell my family. Alhamdulillah, so far so good.

However, I find that that I’ve really fallen for him (lovestruck) and can’t think about anything but him. I’ve lost sleep, etc. I find myself worrying about everything- how we’ll support ourselves as his ex-wife completely bled him dry financially. However, as he has a steady job, alhamdulillah, I’m telling myself that’s not too bad a situation. I’m already planning the logistics of a wedding (a very small event), etc. whereas, he on the other hand, is as cool as a cucumber and although so reassuring, not suffering as much as I am!

I find I’m the vulnerable party right now and have fallen for him harder than he has for me. I’ve not had very positive make role models in my life and am scared he’ll use the fact that I already like him so much more to his advantage. Are these fears justified? Shall I just trust in the process and Allah SWT and let things be or should I take extra precautions, especially considering he’s already been through something like this before?

Financially speaking, I’ve asked Haq Mehr to be a holiday rather than a big monetary amount. Was that wise? I wanted to be fair because of his current financial situation rather than be demanding. Was this a wise move?

I’ve done my istikharah and alhamdulillah still feel as if we should go ahead and he feels the same with his istikharah lekin is there anything else I should bear in mind?

I hope this post makes sense. Sorry for it turning into a jumbled up rant!

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Re: Considering a Divorced Man

it's good and i think you should go with your decision. as istakhara is in your favour too.
good luck :)

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Considering a Divorced Man

Jazakallah Khair PG for your reply. However, am I right to be asking myself all these questions? Or having doubts?

What does everyone else think?

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Re: Considering a Divorced Man

I think you're just thinking and worrying too much, just do twakkul and leave everything to ALLAH and expect good and Good will happen for you Insha ALLAH. They say " ALLAH shakkar khoray ko shakkar hi deta hy"

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Re: Considering a Divorced Man

2nd its very normal that you think you have fallen for him more than him. Generally, girls are more into thinking and feeling these things and being a human, its very much normal as well that one has fallen more than the other.

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Considering a Divorced Man

I was a single never married before and my husband was a divorcee (he married at the age of 20 and fell apart after 2 years) i had all them thoughts and feelings and what ifs but no ones perfect we clicked he shared my likes n dislikes and while i was the more cautious one i slowly fell for him quicker then i anticipated. Its just one of thise if it feels right, your istikhara seems positive and if you feel its right go for it! Inshallah it all goes well and ive never felt like im married to someone whose divorced i just married him

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Re: Considering a Divorced Man

The last thing about haq meher, that's very positive and good thinking and the way you have described your husband to be, he will really appreciate and will be thankful (at least in his heart) that you considered his circumstances and money can never be a guarantee or buy happiness, satisfaction so just go with you heart. BUT if you think you want something more or something more will make you happier, go for it :)

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Considering a Divorced Man

Thank you all for sharing your experiences- I really appreciate it. You're right, I need to have faith in Allah SWT, creator of the heavens and earth and everything in between. It's just such a hard job right now to have sabr. I'm usually such a controlled, logical and sensible person but I feel the not knowing what his parents are going to say, not talking to him regularly, the sleepless nights are all going to send me off the edge!

A polite request to keep us in your Duas please.

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Considering a Divorced Man

And, I'm happy not receiving £thousands for Haq Mehr but just wanted reassurance that it was sensible and that I wasn't just being rash and idealistic. Allah SWT alone knows best :)

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Re: Considering a Divorced Man

£ cant buy you happiness but then you should be happy with whatever choice you make.

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Re: Considering a Divorced Man

a divorced person has made mistakes like any other person or has experienced great pain but hopefully they are in the group of people that have learned from those mistakes and are better people today. I think that is a positive. The divorced label is never seen positively in our community and it is sad and hopefully our society's view changes in the future but when it comes to marriage, I think it is always best to tread carefully even if he was a single guy that was never married. Wish you good luck and blessings on this union.

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Re: Considering a Divorced Man

As long as you both can share everything, think alike and can talk on anything and everything, and be carefree, it should work out very well in the end.
InshAllah. Istikhara sign is positive so it will inshAllah be a decision in your favour.

Best of luck!

On another note, It is an unfortunate thing and very selfish to destroy someone financially if things don't work out in a relationship.....

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Re: Considering a Divorced Man

Dividing the assets halfway is not destroying the other financially. If one did not have a job and was working to make the marriage work, then they have to be given some way of surviving if it does not work out. If we are talking about a woman that had no financial way of supporting herself she would need half the assets.

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Re: Considering a Divorced Man

Sounds like you are happy. mA!

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Re: Considering a Divorced Man

first of all, istiKhara is NOT a litmus test...you should use your intuitions and do your homework to find out about him as much as you can...not just blindly accept what he says.

secondly, you should find out the reasons behind his divorce. what was the real reason behind it...like, was it his mistreatment of her or vise versa? was he/is he an angry / abusive man? was it his fault?

you may want to investigate these things as best as you can

good luck.

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Re: Considering a Divorced Man

You're in love right now and you should be very happy mashallah but when we are on cloud 9 we don't think practically at all. Clear your mind of that lovey atmosphere for a second and always prepare yourself for an uncertain future and I would say this to a person that is marrying a never married man too. Try your hardest at this very sacred bond and never think about divorce but plan for the worst, is that too horrible? Plan for that .0001% possibility because I think that's what the Haq Mehr is for possibly?

By the way, how did you meet him?

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Re: Considering a Divorced Man

You have done istakhara, negotiated your haq mehr, planned the logistics of your wedding, etc all without your and his family's involvement? Where are your elders? Unless you are not on good terms with your family, it's usually a good idea to have them do some background search and get their opinion on the guy before getting too attached.

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Re: Considering a Divorced Man

Haqq meher is no guarantee of anything. Most families that like a high one usually think they will get it but never do. In reality, there's no guarantee you'll ever see that meher.

The thing is, any relationship...be it marriage or friendship requires work and effort. What **you **put in is what you get out. Don't worry about these petty things...think about what you plan on doing to make this the best experience of your life.

What madz said is true...why are you waiting for his family to approve before speaking to yours? Doesn't your family have a say? Or any involvement? If I were you, I'd not make such huge decisions without consulting them or telling them.

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Re: Considering a Divorced Man

I do think you need an unbiased opinion of a person who is willing to do a background check. You're in love so you might be over looking some aspects you might not think are important now.

It's also wiser to realise most villainous exes are only villainous from the person's point of view. You don't know the other side. If he trash talks his ex more than the normal then be cautious.