I am new to this forum and have been a silent observer of the forum for a quiet a while, however I have finally had the courage to speakup and ask a question that has been on my mind for quiet sometime. I am a 28 year old married man and am happily married, I got married around a year ago and I have my wife for over 2 years, I love my wife and I have no complains or issues with regards to US, however the issue is (and I hate saying this) I still sometimes think about my ex, I was in a long term relationship in college and long after that but due to circumstances we brokeup over 5 years ago and it took me a long time to get over her. My problem here is that now that I am happily married why am I still thinking about my ex, mind you I have not tried to contact her or anything or I will ever try and do that and so there is no chance of cheating or anything but I do feel guilty as well as am scared if somehow my wife finds out about it. I am trying to find out how or what can I do to get this outta my system, I am happy with my wife then why am I thinking of someone that hurt me, Why am I being an infidel. My wife is a perfect wife and I love her to death then why this infidelity, it is bothering me and the guilt is killing me.
You're 28, and you had your wife for over two years (when you were 26) Five years ago (from your present age you broke up with the ex) and that would make you 23 when you guys broke up. Did yo have any other relationships in those three years (between the break up and meeting your wife)? I only ask so as to know what your state of mind was during those years. Did you have a hard time letting go even then, or were you able to settle into a new relationship(even prior to meeting your wife if that happened)?
It's a tough situation for you to be in.. don't really know what else to say but obviously you still haven't completely gotten over your ex. It's one thing for people to think of their exes maybe once in a blue moon, like something happens and you're reminded of them or an incident you shared. But when you're in a committed relationship like you are now, those thoughts quickly pass. They can linger if things in your current situation aren't ideal, but you say you love her and things are good, so I really don't know why it's happening. If it becomes like a daily can't stop thinking of the ex, then I'd talk to someone (maybe a professional) about it, especially if it starts hindering your relationship now. Good luck.
You had a relationship and it lasted for over 5 years. It broke up (for any reason). You got married to this lady and according to you she is the perfect wife to you.
Now, when your spouse is a perfect person, you tend to feel guilty for your past & realise your mistakes that you did.. there is nothing wrong going on with you. Its all normal. The more she is good and nice to you, the more you find yourself in a very guilty position! Stop doing it!
What I suggest is, if she is really a perfect & understanding wife, she will understand the mishaps of your past too. Let her know it to get yourself out of this first situation of "what if she ever comes to know" things will be fine soon. Everyone has a past.. there is nothing wrong with that.. don't live with it..or you'll ruin your relationship in hiding something which doesn't exist anymore! Let her know how you feel, let her know how important she is to you and let her know that if it weren't you, from nowhere she could come to know about your past.. it will help her building her trust on you! let her know how much you love her.. it may take few days, maybe few months but sooner she will realise how much you love her. A woman's heart is very tender and soft and open to someone she knows, loves her pure! After revealing your secret, you'd need to prove by actions that you value her! she will definitely understand and won't mind it! best of luck.
After reading what you are saying, I would suggest try and think more about your wife and keep yourself busy, yeh sab shaitan key kaam hain, I would say Namaz parho aur Allah sey dua karo. I mean I dont really know what you might be going through but if you have no interaction from your ex and you are also saying that your wife is perfect then i dont see any reason for going back and forth, haan until unless you never let your ex go emotionally then i would suggest is getting some help because you might end up ruining your marriage. I can for sure not hide a secret like this because I sleep talk so i will be done in a night :D
that said Allah aapko hidaayat dey aur aapkee mushkhil aasaan karey, Ameen !!
You've been married to your wife for more than two years....and considering the divorce rate these days...that's quite an accomplishment. She's the person who has been by your side, who has won your trust/respect, supported you through all the ups and downs you've encountered during the 2-3 years.....your ex CANNOT compete with that. The human mind is a powerful thing.....and I think that oftem times our fantasies/daydreaming/imagination (whatever you wanna call it) can make a peron seem so much more wonderful/amazing than they are in actual life. How do you know for sure if your ex would have been as "perfect" for you as you claim your wife is? You might imagine your ex in a spouse's role and being perfect at it.....but the reality could have been quite the opposite. After all.......if the relationship between you and your ex didn't work out....(regardless of who ended it first).....is she really that perfect? You're comparing something that didn't last (which is of a lesser value) to something more stable that you have with your wife. You're comparing fantasy to reality. Something to consider.
I can understand that it's natural to reminisce about the past.....we all do it. But it requires a conscious effort to redirect your thoughts in a more positive direction. It's not gonna go away ...poof...on it's own. You have to work at it.
You laugh but you dont understand my pain, my wife knows where all my secret money is stashed and where i spent it all so there are no secrets from my end (i am not capable of it )
I am new to this forum and have been a silent observer of the forum for a quiet a while, however I have finally had the courage to speakup and ask a question that has been on my mind for quiet sometime. I am a 28 year old married man and am happily married, I got married around a year ago and I have my wife for over 2 years, I love my wife and I have no complains or issues with regards to US, however the issue is (and I hate saying this) I still sometimes think about my ex, I was in a long term relationship in college and long after that but due to circumstances we brokeup over 5 years ago and it took me a long time to get over her. My problem here is that now that I am happily married why am I still thinking about my ex, mind you I have not tried to contact her or anything or I will ever try and do that and so there is no chance of cheating or anything but I do feel guilty as well as am scared if somehow my wife finds out about it. I am trying to find out how or what can I do to get this outta my system, I am happy with my wife then why am I thinking of someone that hurt me, Why am I being an infidel. My wife is a perfect wife and I love her to death then why this infidelity, it is bothering me and the guilt is killing me.
Your insight on this guys !!
Dude, dont worry. Mashallah you look like a strong guy and good husband. You are not cheating (not even mentally) as when you were in that relationship, your current wife was not in the pic. Now that you have her as your wife, you still cannot change the past or turn your memory switch off. Be happy, count your blessings and pray for better future.
It is in human nature. The heart would always weep for what it has lost, but the soul (that has the control) should always smile for and be contented with what it has found.
Because you can miss old friends and acquaintances, and even people you've loved. It's ok. There is a special place in your heart for a certain person, and now you've moved on. So has, probably, she.
There is NOTHING WRONG in fondly remembering someone, or missing someone, or wishing well for someone. Why do we get troubled over these kinds of feelings, as mankind, yet have NO PROBLEM in hating someone or remembering someone with ill wishes? That should be more concerning.
I am new to this forum and have been a silent observer of the forum for a quiet a while, however I have finally had the courage to speakup and ask a question that has been on my mind for quiet sometime. I am a 28 year old married man and am happily married, I got married around a year ago and I have my wife for over 2 years, I love my wife and I have no complains or issues with regards to US, however the issue is (and I hate saying this) I still sometimes think about my ex, I was in a long term relationship in college and long after that but due to circumstances we brokeup over 5 years ago and it took me a long time to get over her. My problem here is that now that I am happily married why am I still thinking about my ex, mind you I have not tried to contact her or anything or I will ever try and do that and so there is no chance of cheating or anything but I do feel guilty as well as **am scared if somehow my wife finds out about it. **I am trying to find out how or what can I do to get this outta my system, I am happy with my wife then why am I thinking of someone that hurt me, Why am I being an infidel. My wife is a perfect wife and I love her to death then why this infidelity, it is bothering me and the guilt is killing me.
Your insight on this guys !!
Before I say somethng I am curious why you said you are scared of her finding out about your previous life.
This means she does not know.
Are you thinking aloud?
Do you have something in possession of previous relation?
I do not think you should purposefully try to forget anyway.
You had relationship in the past.
You are who you are because of previous relationship also. I mean you learn something along the way but did not want to continue the relationship.
Now you are with your wife. Past is past. Let that go. But not force yourself. Just smile and engage yourself with something else when remember older relationship.
Someone suggested professional help. I like that idea...sometimes we need a third party to help us understand why we are feeling a certain way. Once you resolve the matter, it weighs less on you.
You're not doing anything wrong.
I don't think you should discuss it with your wife. If you love her...then don't say anything to her because there is nothing to say. These things are better left in the past...no sense making it a part of your future.
Before I say somethng I am curious why you said you are scared of her finding out about your previous life.
This means she does not know.
Are you thinking aloud?
Do you have something in possession of previous relation?
I do not think you should purposefully try to forget anyway.
You had relationship in the past.
You are who you are because of previous relationship also. I mean you learn something along the way but did not want to continue the relationship.
Now you are with your wife. Past is past. Let that go. But not force yourself. Just smile and engage yourself with something else when remember older relationship.
You owe that to your wife.
Thank you soo much guys, this meant a lot.
Diwana the reason i am scared is that what if my wife finds out that i still sometimes think about my ex, my wife knows everything about my past and AlhamduLillah nothing is hidden from her and we have a healthy relationship. But I am at peace now that this is natural and that I am not being a creep.Once again thank you very much.
Now, when your spouse is a perfect person, you tend to feel guilty for your past & realise your mistakes that you did.. there is nothing wrong going on with you. Its all normal. The more she is good and nice to you, the more you find yourself in a very guilty position! Stop doing it!
I strongly disagree. So this guy was in relationship for past 5 years with his ex..that is mistake?. I mean he sure loved her at some point. The least this ex deserves is respect from this guy. So calling a "mistake" is not a good idea here.
I have been in relationship for last 6 years with my ex?. Was that a mistake? hell no. I think i honor and cherish her with good memories we have had. That is all i am saying.
I strongly disagree. So this guy was in relationship for past 5 years with his ex..that is mistake?. I mean he sure loved her at some point. The least this ex deserves is respect from this guy. So calling a "mistake" is not a good idea here.
I have been in relationship for last 6 years with my ex?. Was that a mistake? hell no. I think i honor and cherish her with good memories we have had. That is all i am saying.
It depends on the reason of brokeup. I am not specifying anyone.. its just in some cases, where one feels that loving him/her was his mistake! not necessarily in every case, everyone thinks this way.. some might regret of loosing their love too.. but in the OP's case, I feel he feels guilty for his past.. so I replied accordingly!
I am new to this forum and have been a silent observer of the forum for a quiet a while, however I have finally had the courage to speakup and ask a question that has been on my mind for quiet sometime. I am a 28 year old married man and am happily married, I got married around a year ago and I have my wife for over 2 years, I love my wife and I have no complains or issues with regards to US, however the issue is (and I hate saying this) I still sometimes think about my ex, I was in a long term relationship in college and long after that but due to circumstances we brokeup over 5 years ago and it took me a long time to get over her. My problem here is that now that I am happily married why am I still thinking about my ex, mind you I have not tried to contact her or anything or I will ever try and do that and so there is no chance of cheating or anything but I do feel guilty as well as am scared if somehow my wife finds out about it. I am trying to find out how or what can I do to get this outta my system, I am happy with my wife then why am I thinking of someone that hurt me, Why am I being an infidel. My wife is a perfect wife and I love her to death then why this infidelity, it is bothering me and the guilt is killing me.
Your insight on this guys !!
If a thought crosses your mind, the it's your job to make it go away. I'm sure there are many other things you have to worry about, so don't let this worry you too much. I don't think your wife can read your thoughts (I hope not, Lol) so you shouldn't really be bothered about her finding out.
However, that doesn't mean you get a free ticket to daydream about her. It's still wrong to do so. Please, try to occupy your mind with other things. Read Quran (If you're a Muslim), If you are at home, then maybe start talking to your wife or something to get this thought out of your head. Or maybe, pick up a hobby, go outside and jog or something, go help your wife in the kitchen, or cook her something, etc.
Really, there are a million things you can do to counter these thoughts and at the same time gain some benefit. Don't sit idly, because that's when stupid thoughts start coming in your head and shaytaan starts whispering stuff.
so there are no secrets from my end (i am not capable of it )