It would be awesome, as mentioned by Mama of 3, if you BIL got married. But who knows when that will happen (maybe he’s not ready to get remarried) and until he does, you’ll have to deal with it. I wonder, does your BIL have a job.?
I don’t know how you’re communicating your concerns with your husband. But u mentioned a couple of times in your post about “complaining” to your husband…and complaining (so hard not to do it) makes the other person defensive. Maybe when you complain to your husband…the tone of your voice and maybe your words might give him the impression that you blame his brother…that you don’t like your BIL…maybe it comes across as judgmental to your husband.
Instead of complaining, try talking calmly to your husband. First and foremost, explain to him that you don’t hate his brother…that you sympathize with him being recently divorced, and that you understand it’s important for him to support his brother and spend time with him. If you tell him this first, he may feel more open to listening. Then tell you miss him. I’d think that should touch him more than the nagging and accusing. Tell him you work full time and then you get busy with kids and you feel so drained by the end of the day. Ask him if he could help you out at home. Be proactive, ask him if the two of you can sit down and work out a schedule that will leave you feeling less exhausted…and will accommodate time for the family.
I don’t know if this idea will be helpful. But does your BIL spend time with your kids? Get him to help the kids out with homework when he’s over…or maybe he could watch the kids while you and your husband spend time together. Try to be friendly toward your BIL, make the effort to talk to him…so that he doesn’t feel you hate him…and when your husband sees that you’re making an effort…maybe he’ll be more compliant.