Re: Confessing to MIL? !
It's a public forum, if it's personal don't share it here.
Ok so here i Go!
I got engaged to my hubby 5 yrs back..it was totally arranged one. Never met him in person. He was not in Pakistan..Anyways after 1 yr of engagement it broke to us all tht my bro and his sister r deeply in love and having an affair....I was Sooooooo against it...I never wanted tht " Watta Satta"...(If U knw wht it means).
My father stood with me infact my whole family was against it.I also told my hubby in hidden words tht i did not want this to happen but he was absolutely fine with tht.
Anyways after 1 yr of all the larai at home my father finally gave up as he is my only bro...And they asked my MIL for her daughter..Matlub my SIL was going to be my Bhabi too.
Then I got married 2 and half yrs ago..things were fine between our families excpet the fact tht My SIL is too much of "Gher ki Ladlee" and bigri howi...She is very outspoken and never thinks before talking. After My baby was born My bro one day called me and told me he was very upset because My SIL was having another affair wih some guy. I was Absolutely Shocked. I told Him to do Saber as Now my fateher and mother cannot give up the rishta thing. U have to compromise now. This topic was brought up btw My Mother and my MIL too and they Both somehow resolved the matter. My MIL wanted there marriage to take place as soon as possible as she knew abt tht affair thing.
Anyways I went back Pak Alone with My son when he was 6 months as no one had seen him and i was desperate to meet my parents as well.
The whole thing started there. The day i Reached Inlwas i had i fight with my Sil over some silly matter. It was nothing Big. My mother was also there and she told clearly to my mother tht am not interested in ur son anymore. and am not fit in ur family and U find ur son another girl. My MIL who was also sitting there did not even say her to Shut up. My bro was listening to all this and he got soooo angry and my parents went back next day leaving me in InLwas as it was my hubby's idea to stay in inlwas for 10-15 days and then go to my home.
Now My Mil wanted me to step ahead and ask my Family ke Date dein Shaadi Ki.
But My bro told me Tht he did not wanted to marry her anymore. So I asked my Mil tht Plz do not invlove me..Let them both handle this and there is nothing i can Do. This was the poitn when everything turned against me. She called my hubby and told him everthing. From A-Z. And then called my father and broke off the engagement. But inside she still wanted the marrige to take place. She just wanted to keep Upper hand. Ok the day she broke off eng my Hubby called me and said very bad things to me. He was soooooo angry on me saying tht "there is noting i can do". We fought too much and when he kept the phone i was sure this marriage wont be there anymore.. i called my father and told him evrything. He got so upset and went to "Bare" of family. They all were so mad at my Mil and hubby.
My hubby knowing tht i was mad at him he came tp pak the next day..And said he was sorry.. I was mad but I forgave him. But my family did not. My father came with some elders of the family and they talked to both my Mil and hubby tht they want assurance this wont happen again. And they also declared the other rishta Finished.
Now more than 1 yr is gone and stiill things r not at all ok btw me and my Hubby.
I admit tht telling to my father was my mistake. I should have kept the things btw me and my hubby and i have apologized abt this Zillion times but he is hurt.
Ans so is my Mil. I talk t her on phone but nothing is same as before. I do not expect it to be the same but atleast i want to make things better.
She thinks tht i should have taken her side and should have helped her and my hubby is angry keh Tum nain halaat khrab kiye. And bla bla like tht.
Uffff my life histroy. Now am thinking keh if i do not go and talk to her things will not settle btw me and my hubby too because he is so much into his family.
Ok so here i Go! I got engaged to my hubby 5 yrs back..it was totally arranged one. Never met him in person. He was not in Pakistan..Anyways after 1 yr of engagement it broke to us all tht my bro and his sister r deeply in love and having an affair....I was Sooooooo against it...I never wanted tht " Watta Satta"...(If U knw wht it means). My father stood with me infact my whole family was against it.I also told my hubby in hidden words tht i did not want this to happen but he was absolutely fine with tht.
Anyways after 1 yr of all the larai at home my father finally gave up as he is my only bro...And they asked my MIL for her daughter..Matlub my SIL was going to be my Bhabi too.
Then I got married 2 and half yrs ago..things were fine between our families excpet the fact tht My SIL is too much of "Gher ki Ladlee" and bigri howi...She is very outspoken and never thinks before talking. After My baby was born My bro one day called me and told me he was very upset because My SIL was having another affair wih some guy. I was Absolutely Shocked. I told Him to do Saber as Now my fateher and mother cannot give up the rishta thing. U have to compromise now. This topic was brought up btw My Mother and my MIL too and they Both somehow resolved the matter. My MIL wanted there marriage to take place as soon as possible as she knew abt tht affair thing.
Anyways I went back Pak Alone with My son when he was 6 months as no one had seen him and i was desperate to meet my parents as well. The whole thing started there. The day i Reached Inlwas i had i fight with my Sil over some silly matter. It was nothing Big. **My mother was also there and she told clearly to my mother tht am not interested in ur son anymore. **and am not fit in ur family and U find ur son another girl. My MIL who was also sitting there did not even say her to Shut up. My bro was listening to all this and he got soooo angry and my parents went back next day leaving me in InLwas as it was my hubby's idea to stay in inlwas for 10-15 days and then go to my home.
**Now My Mil wanted me to step ahead and ask my Family ke Date dein Shaadi Ki. But My bro told me Tht he did not wanted to marry her anymore. **So I asked my Mil tht Plz do not invlove me..Let them both handle this and there is nothing i can Do. This was the poitn when everything turned against me. She called my hubby and told him everthing. From A-Z. And then called my father and broke off the engagement. But inside she still wanted the marrige to take place. She just wanted to keep Upper hand. Ok the day she broke off eng my Hubby called me and said very bad things to me. He was soooooo angry on me saying tht "there is noting i can do". We fought too much and when he kept the phone i was sure this marriage wont be there anymore.. i called my father and told him evrything. He got so upset and went to "Bare" of family. They all were so mad at my Mil and hubby.
My hubby knowing tht i was mad at him he came tp pak the next day..And said he was sorry.. I was mad but I forgave him. But my family did not. My father came with some elders of the family and they talked to both my Mil and hubby tht they want assurance this wont happen again. And they also declared the other rishta Finished. Now more than 1 yr is gone and stiill things r not at all ok btw me and my Hubby. I admit tht telling to my father was my mistake. I should have kept the things btw me and my hubby and i have apologized abt this Zillion times but he is hurt. Ans so is my Mil. I talk t her on phone but nothing is same as before. I do not expect it to be the same but atleast i want to make things better. She thinks tht i should have taken her side and should have helped her and my hubby is angry keh Tum nain halaat khrab kiye. And bla bla like tht.
Uffff my life histroy. Now am thinking keh if i do not go and talk to her things will not settle btw me and my hubby too because he is so much into his family.
honestly v v confusing story or maybe its just the way u narrated it to us. pls read the highlighted points. i still dun understand y it was such a big deal if u din wanna b involved. well max u cud have done was, and i understand, try to make both parties calm as u belonged to both. in that case mayb u ARE wrong. but i dun understand why ur MIL and Hubs were angry u told ur dad.. and why did ur dad fight with MIL? sorry had a bit of a hard time understandin ur story.
honestly v v confusing story or maybe its just the way u narrated it to us. pls read the highlighted points. i still dun understand y it was such a big deal if u din wanna b involved. well max u cud have done was, and i understand, try to make both parties calm as u belonged to both. in that case mayb u ARE wrong. but i dun understand why ur MIL and Hubs were angry u told ur dad.. and why did ur dad fight with MIL? sorry had a bit of a hard time understandin ur story.
Cosmicbiwi,
I'm a bit confused as well. I would suggest that you reread the 4th and 5th paragraphs and edit them so that they're more clear. My intention is not to offend, but sometimes when you're upset, you get so overwhelmed by your feelings that what you're saying and writing may lack clarity.
Re: Confessing to MIL? !
The story is confusing but this is what i’ve gathered:
**Your bigger mistake: Asking/pressuring your brother to compromise. He’s your own brother, he had no idea your SIL would cheat on him. If he doesn’t want to marry her after this, he’s justified in doing so. If someone can’t be faithful to you before marriage…what guarantee is there for a happy marriage? At this point…it would have been unreasonable for anyone (Including YOU/YOUR IN-LAWS/YOUR PARENTS) to expect him to be the “bigger person” and marry her. That’s too big of a sacrifice. If you asked him to compromise so that it won’t create problems for YOU with your in-laws…then that’s wrong. Our society puts a lot of pressure on the bahu to make compromises and keep the peace between the in-laws so that they don’t turn against her. But saving your own home and potentially destroying your brothers will bring nobody any happiness in the long run.
**
Minor mistake: I don’t really consider this a mistake. To me, it’s more like human nature. Most of us naturally turn to parents for support and guidance. You’ve lived with your parents for 20-some YEARS…you only lived with your hubby for a few years. There’s nothing shocking about turning to family for help (though it’s not always the practical solution). I hope your husband doesn’t hold the view that it’s okay for him to vent his frustrations about you to his mom…but it’s not okay for you to do so with your own parents. That’s unfair.
From now on, if you and hubby have issues with each other, keep them between you and him. Solve them together as opposed to involving families and making the issue bigger.
**
Your husband’s mistake: Not realizing his sister and mother’s mistake. And disrespectful behavior toward you. And giving you the guilt trip after you apologized.
**
Your MIL’s mistake:* Rejecting the Rishta and then hoping for marriage. Saying No, then saying Yes. Playing games. And creating drama to save her reputation. Rishtas are very sensitive matters and you can’t reject and accept…reject and accept. That’s very humiliating for the other person. Your MIL and SIL were creating drama. When your SIL rejected your brother in front of everyone in the heat of the moment, your MIL should have tried to calm her down. By being apathetic…she’s sending the message that she supports her daughter’s rude outburst. Your MIL felt embarrassed about her daugther’s behavior and she was hoping that YOUR FAMILY/BROTHER would still chase after THEM for a rishta because that gives her the UPPER HAND…AND…it also saves her izzat and reputation.
**
Your SIL’s mistake:** If your SIL was INDEED having an affair (and if it has been proven)…then she’s the ROOT of the problem. If she wasn’t interested, then she should have told her parents not to pursue the rishta anymore. Your MIL should not be expected to tell her to “Shut UP” if she herself doesn’t want to marry your brother. If at that point, your brother wasn’t interested in her either…it should have just ended. Maybe your SIL rejeced the rishta first to save her izzat. She may have thought that it would hurt her reputation if your brother rejected her first for cheating on him…so she decided to do reject him first instead.
********** In my opinion, what should have happened is that your parents should have ended the rishta after your SIL rejected it. Your parents should have calmly said to your MIL **“Your daughter is like our daugther. And if she’s not interested in marrying our son, then we don’t want to pressure her. Actually, our son has ALSO chosen a different path for himself. And if both children are mutually not interested in a marriage, then it’s better to end this rishta peacefully with no hard feelings. We don’t think badly of your daughter at all and we want both children to be happy. If we pressure them both to get married when the BOTH don’t want to, then they’ll have a miserable marriage and everyone from BOTH families will be stressed. As parents, we can be the bigger people here, not let this develop into an ego issue, and continue being friends with no hard feelings.” **After SIL’s outburst, elders messed everything up with their pressure and double-mindedness 
******* **Don’t take all the blame upon yourself. Sometimes people are so afraid of admitting their own mistakes to themselves that they dump all the blame on others. Others are guilty here as well Cosmic. Too bad, your husband doesn’t have enough humility to realize this. Too big of an ego perhaps? Anyhow, you can try talking to him again. Apologize for your mistakes. Gently try to get him to see his mistakes. If he gets mad, calmly tell him that you humbled yourself enough to see your errors and apologize and that a person should have the courage to see their own mistakes. Then when his mother comes, apologize to her. Even if she gives you an attitude…behave well with her. Be polite, be generous, be positive, be hospitable. And let your husband SEE you taking good care of his mom. Who knows? He might feel guilty for his attitude and then let go of his stupid grudge.
Re: Confessing to MIL? !
So you think your mistake was telling your father? nah thats not something u really need to “confess”. Your MIL sounds like a control freak. Like hell she deserves a “confession.” 