How are the above examples of compromise? It is not a compromise if you are expecting and do get rewarded for it. You were bought for the price you put on doing the good deed, nothing more nothing less.
It is so clear that girls do not understand what compromise means, Witch Dr is right, most women for some reason are incapable of seeing the bigger picture and think compromises are from their side only or mostly.
the key to a good relationship is maturity. If both partners are mature, compromise comes automatically.
unfortunately, for most foreign bred desi women, every thing is me me me me, and everything becomes a WAR for their rights and the only thing that is compromised is the relationship itself.
In the last few years I have become a firm believer in Men are from Mars, women are from a completely different solar system.
Each person (husband/wife) believes they compromise more than the other. Each person (husband/wife) believes that their compromises are not recognized or appreciated. Each person (husband/wife) then feels sorry for themselves. (These are all general thoughts)
I guess the first thing to do is stop feeling sorry for yourself. Only do something for your partner if you genuinely want to make the other person happy. The only gain you get out of that is your own happiness ... cause if you love your partner, making them happy usually makes you feel good and happy too.
If, for some reason, something does not happen on time in the manner YOU expect it to, each person (husband/wife) needs to be understanding. This is where compromise and understanding comes in. If you are calm about it, compromise and understanding will not be such an issue.
Compromise isn't just about giving up what you want. It's not just about "you you you" or "me me me".
Some of you make it sound so complicated, and it really isn't all that complicated at all. :)
Each person (husband/wife) believes they compromise more than the other. Each person (husband/wife) believes that their compromises are not recognized or appreciated. Each person (husband/wife) then feels sorry for themselves. (These are all general thoughts)
I guess the first thing to do is stop feeling sorry for yourself. Only do something for your partner if you genuinely want to make the other person happy. The only gain you get out of that is your own happiness ... cause if you love your partner, making them happy usually makes you feel good and happy too.
If, for some reason, something does not happen on time in the manner YOU expect it to, each person (husband/wife) needs to be understanding. This is where compromise and understanding comes in. If you are calm about it, compromise and understanding will not be such an issue.
Compromise isn't just about giving up what you want. It's not just about "you you you" or "me me me".
Some of you make it sound so complicated, and it really isn't all that complicated at all. :)
Each person (husband/wife) believes they compromise more than the other. Each person (husband/wife) believes that their compromises are not recognized or appreciated. Each person (husband/wife) then feels sorry for themselves. (These are all general thoughts)
I guess the first thing to do is stop feeling sorry for yourself. Only do something for your partner if you genuinely want to make the other person happy. The only gain you get out of that is your own happiness ... cause if you love your partner, making them happy usually makes you feel good and happy too.
If, for some reason, something does not happen on time in the manner YOU expect it to, each person (husband/wife) needs to be understanding. This is where compromise and understanding comes in. If you are calm about it, compromise and understanding will not be such an issue.
Compromise isn't just about giving up what you want. It's not just about "you you you" or "me me me".
Some of you make it sound so complicated, and it really isn't all that complicated at all. :)
To some extent it is true. The guy may compromise more than the girl or vice versa. The bottom line is, know in advance what you are getting yourself into and how much you can/are willing to comprose and still keep the relationship healthy. Use you best judgement and leave the rest on the Almighty.
Aisha, as you grow older, you will realize that marriage is very similar to war. Both parties have to compromise and both parties have to suffer losses. You just have to pick your battles and prioritize. I know this sounds harsh, but it really isn't. As husband and wife grow closer over the years this comes easier. One learns about his/her partner and they learn what is important to each other and compromise accordingly.
A good book that helps marriage is "The Art of War" by Sun Tzu.
In the last few years I have become a firm believer in Men are from Mars, women are from a completely different solar system.
I also believe in a similar way apart from my thought that women and men are from the same solar system. :)
The thing is men and women think differently but somehow without realizing this, we expect our partners to think the same way we do, which is absolutely not possible.
Similar to AAhmed's comments. I also believe that marriage is like a war. Once you become too compromising, it appears like you are losing the war. Your partner instead of realizing that you are compromising, just goes for the kill. Hence, the need to retaliate from time to time, from both parties.
It is also not necessarily true that women are more compromising, especially in the educated class. I believe, leaving aside abusive relationships, men are more compromising in that class but as women are much more sensitive to finer details of life, they tend to miss the big picture sometimes.
unfortunately, for most foreign bred desi women, every thing is me me me me, and everything becomes a WAR for their rights and the only thing that is compromised is the relationship itself.
Couldn't agree more with you guys. Pakistani educated woman is not far behind either.
also when the situation changes and your inlaws end up moving in with you---the girl is compromising everyday--i mean what else is she going to do kick them out--where the guys never have to live with their inlaws--the most they have to face is a week's vacation there and that's it---that is if they are out of town--but once the inlaws have moved in ---there is no escaping from that --which is what i am dealing with everyday and what choice do i have none---when i got married they were visitors to usa so i thought ok it won't be so bad occasional visits from them for like 3 or 4 mths--well that only happened like the first time since then they used up as much extensions as possible--and now that they are green card holders they have just given up the idea of going back---with all the light problems and everything else my MIL dreads going back--after all she will have to go do work there , here she has a free maid (I)---
but boy i am telling you it is so hard to breathe in the house even--i am just keeping quiet till eid but someone is going to have to say something--
so yeah the girl is definitely having to compromise--i mean they are not leaving and i am stuck-and what can i do---nothing apparently--and now they are not only physically dependant on us they are also totally financially relied on us--my husband is out at work all day and i am stuck to face them---
god i can't even go to get my eyebrows done without my MIL(just a small example)--and now she is telling me what i should wear when we are going to parties and i am like umm you need to stop laady----
also when the situation changes and your inlaws end up moving in with you---the girl is compromising everyday--i mean what else is she going to do kick them out--where the guys never have to live with their inlaws--the most they have to face is a week's vacation there and that's it---that is if they are out of town--but once the inlaws have moved in ---there is no escaping from that --which is what i am dealing with everyday and what choice do i have none---when i got married they were visitors to usa so i thought ok it won't be so bad occasional visits from them for like 3 or 4 mths--well that only happened like the first time since then they used up as much extensions as possible--and now that they are green card holders they have just given up the idea of going back---with all the light problems and everything else my MIL dreads going back--after all she will have to go do work there , here she has a free maid (I)---
but boy i am telling you it is so hard to breathe in the house even--i am just keeping quiet till eid but someone is going to have to say something--
so yeah the girl is definitely having to compromise--i mean they are not leaving and i am stuck-and what can i do---nothing apparently--and now they are not only physically dependant on us they are also totally financially relied on us--my husband is out at work all day and i am stuck to face them---
god i can't even go to get my eyebrows done without my MIL(just a small example)--and now she is telling me what i should wear when we are going to parties and i am like umm you need to stop laady----
Why not set some boundaries? Tell her politely that you are an adult and you can choose what you wear and thank her for her suggestion.
and why not send your mil with her son when you want a day for yourself. Say "baby, i think it would be a great idea for you to spend some time with your mom. Why not take her to the salon, mall, whatever. You guys should really bond more."
easier said than done--you know how it you need a break from your hubby and kids as well and i do get that but what i don't get is a break from my inlaws 24/7--me and my husband cannot find alone time for the world they don't go anywhere and the only places they go is with us--
and i hate the them tagging along with us all the time at every function/ party---and now that they are here people kind of people obligated to invite them too--god it is like they live for TV---that is the sole purpose to their being--sorry to allah miyan but i am probably getting sins for this but what can i do--i can't say anythign to them i have to vent out somewhere--
^ Is your MIL even aware of the fact that she is making your life difficult. If not, than may be you have to remind her the time which she spent together with her own MIL, (through old photos...etc)
If she is aware than Allah would inshaAllah give you reward for your patience and sacrifices. Just don't say anything to your MIL and try to solve the problem by discussing it politely with your husband "Only" (On some weekend and not just after he returns home from office).
You see there always is a sunrise after the darkest of nights, but we must be careful in dealing with delicate issues so that we might not make a mistake which we might have to repent for the rest of our lives.
Pray to Allah to make things easier for you and handle the matter through "Hikmah" (wisdom) by only discussing it with your husband, at the RIGHT time, in "Appropriate" words and effective "Manner"
compromising can be and is a noble thing to practice. it will enable everyone to be accepting and non judgmental of each other and little by little, make room for eachother and for oneself.
embracing the inlaws as own family is crucial after they welcome and accept you as decent people - goes for both the husband and the wife.
no one can have double standards. compromise will be in effective where only the woman is demanded or expected to not acknowlege unfair tratment an question it politely and if need be, firmly. same is true for the man.
this will never end, the debate to pin one for the redress for the wrong actions of the other, unless both halves of the partnership come to give equal right to each other and assume a new entity as one instead of two.
only a relationsip where both partners compromise works well otherwise the other one is always complaining, in this day and age it's not just the girl that need to compromise and change her habits now even the guy does all of this stuff
