Communication doesn't work anymore

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: Communication doesn't work anymore

Ok, first of all I love your nick. Second, I very much appreciate your honesty. You are a multi, alright, and we very very much respect your privacy.

Now, You told us in the beginning you used to tell your husband how you felt and what bothered you. Was it a one way communication? Did he also use to share things the same way with you? If not; maybe he is not the sharing kind of person. And if something is very much absent in his genes, dont feel hopeless about not having it because he cant simply bring it out of nowhere now.

Sharing and having a good communication is sort of ideals of a married life. There are couples who get along super well, who even understand gestures and reciprocate, but not every couple is like that. Most of the couples are simply married arranged and even if they have love marriage it takes heavy toll to understand and come to the point where adjustment is possible. But you know what, you cant and you should not share EVERY THING with your spouses. It might sound dishonest maybe, even I face such hard time if I have to keep anything to myself and not share with him, but sometimes it has to be like this. If a man comes totally from a woman's side and agrees with every thing she says servilely, I would rather take him as a sissy. Men have their own perceptions as we women have. And liberty of thought, is the only only liberty you can always enjoy unhampered.

So dear, take the things easy, make it sure you are intent to listen to him too, other than only telling him. And you have all the time by yourself. Think and say to yourself if sharing is that much needed at all. Dont conceive a negative idea about your marital relation and your marriage altogether only because of not having a good communication with your husband. What are friends for?

Husband is a husband, might not understand you always and yet will be the most lovely and precious thing happened in your life.

22

Re: Communication doesn't work anymore

Maybe it's the way you communicate that annoys him? You could start off with asking him about his problems and letting him off load before you do, that way he knows you're just trying to have a mature conversation and you're not bombarding him with things. Worst comes to worst you could always go to a couples therapist, there have to be some underlying issues here if he finds it so hard to open up and talk to the woman he intends to grow old with.

23

Re: Communication doesn't work anymore

Pick your battles TD...learn what is important enough for you to be upset over and what is not worth it.

24

Re: Communication doesn’t work anymore

According to me, communication is NOT just talking to your partner. That’s talking. Communication is way more than that…like knowing when to say what, like knowing if it is even imprtant to say it at all, it’s channeling the information you have, using the right tones and verbeage. Men don’t have the attention span or interests like women do. If men start feeling that their wives are constantly negative in their communication, they either shut off or get angry. Yo don’t have to hide anything but you have to figure out what is important, what is urgent and what is unimportant. Communication is also figuring out what are your spouses “hot buttons” as in what is effective communication.

Don’t keep so many grudges as you’ve said that he’s generally a nice guy. The grudges add up and will come out each time you have an argument.

:sara:

25

Re: Communication doesn't work anymore

[QUOTE]
Communication is also figuring out what are your spouses "hot buttons"
[/QUOTE]

ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh nikkyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ;)

26

Re: Communication doesn't work anymore

Sometimes when people start to share things with me, I feel like I have to solve the problem, which frustrates me or makes me feel helpless. If I can't fix it, then I feel like the person is complaining and blaming me for the problem. I know it doesn't make sense, but it's like a gut reaction that I have, and it does lead to tension if I don't catch myself. I don't know your husband, but maybe that's part of the problem.

27

Re: Communication doesn’t work anymore

:chai:

28

Re: Communication doesn't work anymore

I think you're right.

29

Re: Communication doesn't work anymore

the timing of ur communication is very important. like if he just got home from long day at work is bad timing. and if he's watching news or sports on tv. or he's on the computer is bad timing. and the line between communication and nagging is very close. so u have to be very careful. also men like to feel important. so commuincate in a way like ur asking him if ur day to day chores/actions r worthwhile.

30

Re: Communication doesn't work anymore

just curious are you from different cultural backgrounds/countries?

may allah SWT guide to better happiness and communication...

31

Re: Communication doesn't work anymore

I believe in order to make others listen to you, you should first listen to them. Being available to your husband and asking him about how his day was, if he had any problems/ tensions and making him feel comfortable about it would be a good way to start communication after his long day at work. If you identify that he is not in a position to be available to you on a particular day (everyone has bad days at work), you should use your COMMUNICATION skills to make him relaxed. Communication is not a one way street. If you always start your communication with negative thoughts, complaints, whining etc, your husband is likely to get frustrated. Starting the communication in a light way, communicating throughout the day non-issues like sharing news, jokes etc can strengthen your bond and he will definitely listen to you when you have something serious to say. If you only want to communicate serious issues with him, he will be tired as everyone wants to have lighthearted communication and talk with their spouses with occassional serious talks. No one likes constant war like communication.

32

Re: Communication doesn't work anymore

Maybe you could be extremely nice to him for some days, make him laugh, cook something yummy, put on his favourite movie and sort of bring him back to the earlier days of your marriage when there was a 'honeymoon phase' going on when he was more caring towards you. Sometimes the ummm...staleness (?)of a monotonous marriage can make people irritable and short tempered with their partner.

33

Re: Communication doesn't work anymore

I do my best to gauge a situation and decide whether its important to say anything. Most of the time I keep quiet but the few times I do say anything, its never pleasant.

The thing is, I stutter alot, trip over my words and just can't speak properly esp when I'm emotional. If I wait until I am ready to speak, he's not ready to talk to me.
And times when he is relaxed and in a good mood, I just don't want to bring anything up that will ruin the mood. In the past , as per some advice I got, I would talk to him about these things when he was in a good mood but it would quickly ruin the mood so I stopped doing that.

34

Re: Communication doesn't work anymore

Getting nervous before speaking is certainly a sign of low confidence. You need to work out why you suffer from low confidence, and work on that. Do you work or stay at home? I find if you keep yourself busy all day and socialise with other women then you will feel more positive. We women need verbal communication all the time and like to get things off our chests, but the best person to communicate with is other women and not men. Men are not designed for listening especially if they are your husbands. They can only offer solutions, and that too if you come to the point very quickly. Women on the other hand are very good listeners, sympathetic and understanding.

On the other hand, If you have some really serious issues, then have you actually asked your husband if he has any complaints or problems with you and what they are? Sometimes reflecting on ones own behaviour can be very helpful too.

35

Re: Communication doesn't work anymore

dont talk but then make them stop doing things that hurt u.