I haven’t seen my grandfather for more than 4 years now..and now i came to know that he’s not keeping well. In the past few months lmany younger people as compared to him passed in front of him..he was fine until this last death of a relative..now he thinks that he’s done whatever needed to be done in his life..and its time for him to die..medically he’s fine..but his thoughts are making him non-motivational towards life..I can’t talk to him on the phone coz he can’t listen well (neither he’s willing to use hearing aids)
Question:
How can I be of some help to him? How can i motivate him long distance?
Any suggestions would be highly appreciated.. Thanks a lot in advance
Qrius...
Ive noticed that elders resort to such behavior when they lose interaction with their family and closed ones. So very often, a time comes when the family starts to cut out the elders from all family affairs, keeping them either in the cold about everything, or keeping them uninvolved. This intentional/unintentional segregation leads elders to make such comments.
How to motivate them? interact with them. Ask them questions. Ask for their advice. Make them feel useful, because they feel opposite of that at times. Even make them do some minor chores. Elders tend to be like kids, who feel good when they are asked to do stuff thats meant for adults.
And when you ask for their advice in some matter, do follow it too. Thats how they actually feel useful.
All this can be done long distance by doing the same through letters. Write personalized letters to him. Ask him for advice. Give him something to write back about.
Thanks Akif, it seems to me that its one way conversation now a days..since my childhood i always wrote him letters and he used to reply..in the past few years..he stopped writing coz he can't coz of health.. people around him treats him good.. I was trying to think for him..and i couldn't come up with one activity that can keeps him busy everyday. I can't believe a strong person like him cried one day.
Qrius, if he cant write letters, perhaps he can dictate them to someone, who can write them for him? A simple letter asking him how he is is not going to get a response, unless you go back in time. Now he would need something solid to write back about in order to consider a response. I think the reason why your communication may be one sided is because he may consider teh contents of your letters to be monotonous. Im sure the people around him treat him really good, but a daily change of clothes, and 3 meals a day is not all they need. Elders need a lot more than that. They need to be made to feel useful.
Crying and strength dont go together for most people. I felt the same as you did the first time I heard my father cry over the phone once, and was left in shock, because to me, he was always the pillar that held the family together. But later I realized that emotions come from the heart, and strength comes from the mind/logic...though this may differ from person to person.
A favorite activity for elders is gardening. If not that, then they can be motivated to write/dictate. The only point to note here I believe is, that they need company. We cannot expect to give our elders an activity, and then let them be, and expect them to be happy with it. They need someone to be with them through it. Company is what they yearn for.
I dont know if any of the above points make sense or not, but I quoted these based on my personal experiences, at different stages, with my elders in my family. Differnt people react differently, so we just need to adapt our approach accordingly.
For the past two years my mother has been pretty much excluded from our daily lives in the sense that she is no longer able to actively participate.
Since there isn't a geographical distance between us, I am able to try different techniques to motivate her.
The best way I have found is to ask her advice on things that are happening in real life. Even when I don't need the advice. I ask her anyway to let her know that her opinion is needed and matters.
Sometimes, I sit and just gossip with her....or complain to her about something that someone has done.....just to make her feel like she is a vibrant part of my life.
I suppose you can do this with letters as has been suggested.
The replies from you both made me think more..and yes, i'll make sure that i'll be in touch with him with all the possible mediums..MashaAllah he did came out from that phase with the combined effort by all relatives..and is feeling better now :)
Last time i spoke with my Taya abbu, he said that dada ji wasn't feeling too great and he wasn't really himself. Basically he was just out of it, and didn't do much but sit around the house. He's really old Masha'Allah, he's even a great grandad to some kids in our extended family. All his life he's been a very active man, even till recently, he doesn't really have much work to do obviously but he's always visiting his old pals and relatives etc. on a daily basis. But recently he's just stopped everything and thinks that this is it and life will be over soon. I hope it's just a phase and he'll come out of it. It makes me sooo sad to even think of something like that, so everytime he brings it up i just hush him. Him being in Pakistan and our family being here doesn't help much either.
Him and bibi (dadi ji) have come to visit us a few times in the past few years. Bibi would want to stay but dada ji always insists to go back because he doesnt have much to do here and gets bored being home. Its only so much you can go over peoples houses and plus they say its too cold for them here. When they do go back they insist that we come visit every so often, so our family thought of a plan. Someone from the family will go at least once a year to visit them for sometime, as it suits their schedule with school/work. My parents will definitely go once a year though. I think that'll give my grandparents something to look forward to, and when we are there we can involve them in other activities. I hope Allah Subhahana Ta'ala gives them a lambi sehatyaab zindagi, it's such a blessing having them around.
Good thread Qrius siso ...i dont have much to say but i have always been very close to my dadimaa..she passed away last year and i miss her so much .it was really nice exspernice to spend time wid her when ever we visted her or she visted us.such a sweet heart she was ..she have been very busy and active lady ..i used to talked wid her on fone onse a week + she had some family members there in pak wid her tho unna ka maslaa akalaypan nahi tha ...i can understand it must be hard for ur dadajan and also for u ..can't u visit him for some days ?
Sehar, thanks so much for your contribution :)..i truely wish that dadi ji comes out of that phase..inshaAllah he will with a combined effort of your relatives My nana mian was the same..he used to walk 5 miles every morning..He was fine until he started listening the news of deaths..so what my khala and khalazaad brother have decided kay from now on..they will not be sharing any death news of relatives that lives apart. Nana mian even used to do stuff in kitchen and was very active even after the death of my nani. He does go out to the shop in neighbourhood but doesn’t have many friends in his neighbourhood anymore..coz they all passed away..
Well, in your dada ji case..what i see a plus point is kay mashaAllah your bibi is alive and you all visit them once in a while.. when my papa ji (dada) was alive..we used to keep visiting him all the time..like one time me and one brother would go..next time ammi and the other brother would go..but with nana mian the case is different..we don’t get visa to visit him
Once again thanks Sehar
Sandleen, thanks for sharing your experiences of dadi maa Its my nana mian..i can’t visit him coz i don’t get visa to visit his country..
