Mods: *Please don’t move my thread to Life 1 and General where the chances for inflammatory derailment skyrocket. I want my thread to stay here because I want input from a religious perspective. Thanks. *
I have always been taught by my parents to check with the family first to see who is in need when giving zakat.
I have two aunts who have always struggled financially and in the past I helped them out with an open heart and without any negativity toward anyone. I share a close friendship with my cousin who is the daughter of one of these aunts and in the past two years she has said so many negative things about my other aunt and her family that she’s soured my heart toward them. The gist of it is that she feels her family is more deserving of monetary help and they have received help many times. Her bashing has led me to lose trust in both families, but I feel more put off by her and there are few reasons for that. Firstly, I feel that it doesn’t matter if several people help her family out, she still has to compare how much my other aunt has, how she uses her money, etc. She has now stopped telling me such details as she knows it irritates me. The second and more disturbing reason is her tendency to view people in extremes. If someone has helped her many times, to woh bahut acha hai. If they can’t help her, then that person becomes totally bad in her eyes and she’ll forget the many times they’ve helped her. Years ago she had naively (haughtily?) told my mom that if she were living abroad her family wouldn’t even have to ask and that she’d sell her jewelry to help. This was her response to my mom when she told her she couldn’t help. Though she apologized to my mom for that remark, it still rankles in my mind because of recent comments which make me think she hasn’t learned from her former mistake. For the past few months, her family has been going through a crisis and one of my aunts could not give money and didn’t feel comfortable getting involved. A few days ago my cousin said this aunt probably did magic on her family. It annoys me because this same aunt took my cousin’s mom for umrah not too long ago and paid for all expenses, which is a very generous gesture. The aunt is not a saint and she has her faults, but don’t jump to horrid assumptions about her just because she cannot help all the time.
Currently her family is going through a very tough time and helping them takes priority. But I no longer have the positive or neutral feelings I used to have when giving money. I sympathize with her for her hardships, but I also feel angry. So for those of you who have been through similar situations, how do you clean your heart? What do you tell yourself or remind yourself when giving money?
MashaAllah for your concern and SubhanAllah - I often wonder if some members of our family are like this … It seems we are not the only ones
More seriously, please remind yourself that Zakat is a form of purification. It is not done to help anybody out and it surely should not be done to make people happy. Because they will never be happy … Just continue to give trusting in Allah (SWT) and on behalf of Allah (SWT).
Allah (SWT) gives to us all, He even gives to the totally absent of mind who have no concern of Him. So when doing zakat we act on His behalf. I would also suggest that you do not give zakat all in a few places … but split it up in to many and give out to various parties, in the family and outside the family to neighbourhood and to the destitute and really poor. This way you reduce the fitnah in your family, help out the people who need it more than them, and reduce the amount any family member gets settling your own heart. Remember you are not helping them out - Zakat is a necessary act to purify your own wealth.
If people are taking zakat without cause or if they are trying to get you to sway your support - that is on their head … just be stubborn and give out what you need to give out. InshaAllah all will be fine.
i do not think over the follies of people . i made this law or rule for myself that i would never even waste a single second of my life on people who do wrong or are at fault.
but if you personally think that they need your help for real you can carry on the good work. but do check facts and figures.
and for her personal things leave them to her only to decide if she is right or wrong
i do not think over the follies of people . i made this law or rule for myself that i would never even waste a single second of my life on people who do wrong or are at fault.
That's a very lofty ideal you've set for yourself. If you've managed it well thus far, more power to you. But for most people, it's easier said than done especially when the 'folly' of the person is more of a habit that breeds animosity between people and sours relationships. When you persist in turning people against others with your tongue, it's a fitnah more than a folly.
Br. Psyah, Jazak Allah for the suggestion. I had not thought about it from the angle you shared. It rearranges the perspective because it removes the emotional attachment from the situation. I can use this as a reminder when I get the yucky whisperings. Thank you.
