This is really funny it’s worth reading although it is a bit long…
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas
Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon in the private
function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We’ll have a small
band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing
along. And don’t be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will
be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that
time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make
the giving of gifts
easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only
for employees! A
special announcement will be made by our CEO at that
time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
(KEEP SCROLLING DOWN)
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude
our Jewish employees.
We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday
which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on
we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy
applies to any other
employees who are not Christians or those still
celebrating
Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree
present. No
Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign
your name. I’m happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
table that reads, “AA
Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I
supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange
are allowed since the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and
executives believe
$10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that
December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we
can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees’
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until
the end of the party- or else package everything for
you to take it home in
little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight
Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get
the table closest to
the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each
other. Lesbians do not
have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own
table. Yes, there will
be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table. To the
person asking
permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed
though. We will have
booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be
available for those on
a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we
suggest for those
people with high blood pressure to taste first. There
will be fresh fruits
as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply
“No Sugar” desserts.
Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$ing Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party
Vegetarians?!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!!
We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House
whether you like it or
not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from
the “grill of
death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your
#$%^&*! salad bar,
including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes
have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream.
I’m hearing them scream
right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive
drunk and die, you
hear me!!!
The Bitch from HELL!!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty
Lewis a speedy recovery
and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, management
has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon of
the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!