Christmas Drinks - etiquettes

Lifestyle Relationships
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Okies it’s nearly Kissmuss time and there’s a lot of partaying/going out for drinks happening at this time of the year. I’m sure a lot of you have been invited xmas parties etc if thats the kinda thing you do at your work place.

My problem is this - in my team, I’m the only Muslim person. We’ve recently had some changes at work, and this includes a new (white) manager at work. And he is a very, standard, middle-class, ‘doesn’t understand de fickle efnic yoof’ type. He originally planned to take us out to dinner for xmas as a ‘get to know you’ thing, but then changed his mind (cheapskate) and said he’ll take us out for a drink instead. I was the only one who politely declined, cos I hate the smell of alcohol and I don’t see the point in going to a pub with a bunch of people who will all inevitably get drunk (and they really will). I’ve also decided that I’ll just make plans and go out with some friends that day, cos everyone is leaving work a couple of hours early to go for the drink.

My manager has decided instead that as I’m not going out with them, he wants me to stay behind til late and “cover” their work for all of them because they will be leaving early. I’ve already annoyed because he told us this so last minute (literally the day before), and the fact that he didn’t consider me when he made these plans to go out for a drink. I’m also very annoyed by the fact that he didn’t ask me to do this, but TELL me, and neither was he courteous about it when I said to him that it’s not fair.

I don’t want to turn this into a race thing because it’s not. Plus there’s a lot of bad blood in my team because of previous accusations about racism made by other members. I’m also not sure about how to complain about this, as I can’t go over his head (I have to report it to him first) and I don’t want to come across as a sulky teenager. My issue isn’t that I have to stay behind, its just the principal of the whole thing. I can see his point that someone has to stay to cover the service, but he didn’t say this when he originally invited us all out, and said that this wasn’t going to be a problem. Plus I’m annoyed by the fact that everyone now thinks I’m being a spoilsport by refusing to socialise because I don’t want to go to the pub with them (“drink orange juice instead!” they say).

What do you suggest I say to the manager? I can’t really say it’s government policy to do ‘A-B-C’ (I work for the govt btw), cos there’s no real guidelines for when people socialise outside of work. Plus I don’t want to make things difficult for myself cos I’m probly gonna be there for the next year or so, and we have to work quite closely together.

Basically i just want one of you lot to help me cuss him down in a way that won’t backfire on me.

Also, do any of you think I’m making a fuss out of nothing? One thing someone said to me was that it’s not easy to accommodate everyone in the team when considering these things, and that if someone has to stay behind, it’s not that big an issue. Someone else said to me to just pull a sicky but that’s just dumb if you ask me. What would you do when you go out for xmas/work parties and there’s going to be drinking involved?

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Re: Christmas Drinks - etiquettes

p.s. didn't realise the post was going to be this long. Happy readings!

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Re: Christmas Drinks - etiquettes

So you declined, and he planned out without you. I dont see the issue here.

BTW, you can take a rain check and expect the same "leave early" courtesy from him on the next chand raat.

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what kind of industry do you work in?

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My point is that he can't expect one rule to apply for him and another to apply for me just so that it is convenient for him. I realise it's a trivial issue (I was fuming before but I've calmed down now) but it really is the principle of the issue. We don't get any special leave on Eid/Ramadan etc, and I don't make a big fuss then. It's the fact that I've been ordered to either stay in the office to do everyone's work for them, or go out for a drink.

Another reason i want to make a fuss is because I can see this happening again. My team have often gone out for drinks etc etc and it's normally not an issue because the last manager didn't see one. I will be damned if they think that I'll do the donkey work everytime these lot want to go out and have fun on office time.

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Re: Christmas Drinks - etiquettes

Question:

On the day when your team is leaving early....will everyone still get paid for a full-day's of work?

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I work in the housing sector, with the homeless. A lot of it is back office stuff but there's also customer service factors to it, plus I have to go out a lot on inspections and stuff.

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Yup.

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Hmm, you could politely tell him that "I wanted to discuss a concern that I had with you. I don't mind helping out, but I would appreciate it if...Or I felt as if I wasn't left with a choice....etc" Maybe suggest some ideas for celebrations that are more inclusive....such as ordering a pizza and having it delivered at work...so that it's not like you're the only left behind doing their jobs. Thing is...some bosses will take offense to even professionally worded discussions about issues....and you could end up as their target.

Document the incident....the date and the time and details about the conversation. Keep if for your record in case you might need it in the future. Consider giving another excuse besides being sick. Or stay back and do the assignment and take a day or two off when you need it (as TLK said above).

What would happen if you were to go...and order something non-alcoholic...and then leave early? Is that not a possibility?

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Re: Christmas Drinks - etiquettes

RV: MH feels uncomfortable at bar.

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Ask if you can take the time that you're made to stay at work whilst everyone is out for the drinks as flexi time, as take those hours off at a later time.

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as long as you are paid, dont worry about it too much in this particular situation

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[QUOTE]
Thing is...some bosses will take offense to even professionally worded discussions about issues....and you could end up as their target.
[/QUOTE]

Exactly. It's happened to my colleagues about other things. Thing is, in the organisation I work for, no one wants to take responsibility for anything, and there's no reward for loyalty. This kind of attitude has basically rubbed off on the managers, so basically it's lump it or leave it.

[QUOTE]

What would happen if you were to go...and order something non-alcoholic...and then leave early? Is that not a possibility?
[/QUOTE]

I considered it. But the whole reason I said no is because I didn't want to be around the smell of alcohol. I could go and order orange juice, and sit for 1/2 hour, then bugger off - but surely I should have the right to say I don't want to go and spend my social time how I please? Again, it's a case me having to conform to their rules. I shouldn't have to go that if I don't feel comfortable with it, AND i've already said i'm not comfortable. My religious views and feelings shouldn't be the subject here.

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I'm aware of that, which is why I asked if she'd be okay with just staying for a bit (until she's downed her orange juice or soda)...and then leaving early?

^The problems that might arise are that the boss could ask her to go back and "cover" since if she leaves early.....which is an awkward situation....and some workers might mock her for drinking a non-alcoholic beverage (there are some immature people like that who haven't grown up).

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If you're not even rewarded for loyalty...then come up with an excuse and don't stay back. Though THAT would work better if you had not attempted to discuss the issue with your boss earlier. If you bail now...he'lll think you're doing it on purpose. But still...it's none of his business...you do not need to prove to him whether or not your reason for absence is a "truthful" one. If you're allowed x number of days for personal leave...take them off..."personal" means it doesn't have to be shared. Be cleverer next time....if you know how often or when they go out for drinks....plan to leave early on those days. Get him back that way.

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Here are my thoughts on this:

Yes, you're making a big deal out of nothing. No work place is perfect. Unfortunately, if you have a boss, then there are times you have to do things that you don't want to do just for the sake of having a decently pleasant work enviornment.

Here are some FACTS on your situation:
1) You boss included you in the invitation.
2) You declined the invitation.
3) After you declined the invitation, you boss told you to stay in the office.
4) Even IF you had gone out with the team, you would be getting paid for that time.
5) You boss didn't single you out and pick you to stay in the office. Only after you told him you didn't want to go with your team, he told you to do some work.
6) Your boss is not allowing any other team members to go hang out with their friends while they get paid.

I'm not quite sure why this is a big deal since you're on company time being paid. Yes, your supervisor has the authority to choose a activity for the "team" on company time (Note: You don't have to drink....but this doesn't prevent you from going with them and socializing). You have the choice not to participate in that outing. However, I don't think you should expect the company to pay you while you go hang out with your friends. If you'd rather spend that time to go hang out with your friends....then go ahead and request "vacation time" and take that time off.

As you said already, you have the option to complain but that will only make your work enviornment uncomfortable/tense. Also, reading that "orange juice" comment....it sounds like that your team already realizes that you don't drink and is not pressuring you to drink.

As for dealing with office events that involves alcohol:
I end up at bars, house parties etc. often with my co-workers. It's a chance to socialize/network. I have never been pressured to drink at the outings. My close team knows I don't drink. And if there is someone there who I don't know....and if the "new" person asks me about why I'm not drinking....often I tell them I'm on antiniotics and can't drink. This easily takes care of the situation in a professional enviornment without bring up religion/culture etc. Not once have I been asked to drink when I give them the "antibiotic" answer.

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Re: Christmas Drinks - etiquettes

your manager is a little inconsiderate douche. is it so necessary for them to go out and get pissed?!!??! whats wrong with a good old coffee at starbucks in the ice cold winter :mad:

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I'm not intending to bail at all. I am definitely going to stay behind, it would seem a bit senseless to be annoyed about the issue if I'm not going to behave honourably about it myself. I'm not the kind of person who pulls sickies and stuff to get out of this mess, I'd rather have my feelings recognised so that they can be taken into consideration next time. The way I see it, us paki girls in this organisation have a long way to go (cos it's made up of 90% nigerians, 4% whites and the rest us asians).

@Paheli00 - I do actually see what you are saying. BUT, he had given us the opportunity to decide what we wanted to do, and we all opted for a dinner out. I don't have an issue with going to a restaurant where people may drink. I DO have an issue where HE made the decision to go out for a drink with no compromise at all if we wanted to go somewhere else. What is the point of going out to relax 'cos it's christmas time' if it only applies to some of your team members? Also, I didn't mean to say that I wanted to be paid for going to socialise. I simply meant that I made the (wrong) assumption that he would just let us all leave early at the same time anyway, and that they would just go for a drink and I could just go somewhere else.

BUT I also see your point about it being my own decision to do so. I also agree that this is too small an issue to make a big issue about, and I certainly have to be careful about the battles I pick. I guess I'm just annoyed because it's not something I can raise because it won't achieve much in the end.

@Sweet .if - yeah he bloody is. he no understand us brown peoples. Also, getting pissed is how they stay warm in the winter, didncha know?

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Its a this ime vs next time issue
based on what u noted, If i were you I would just stay back at the office, but will not break my back, i would work as if it was a normal day
next time around, go and bail as soon as is okay to.

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Few things I want to point out:

1) Since you wrote in your OP that you're the ONLY Muslim in the team....I'm assuming everyone else in the team drinks. So going by that....your boss choose a venue that will make majority of the people happy....not just "some". After all....as far as your know...does anyone else in the team have a problem with going to the bar? We can't make EVERYONE happy all the time. You're complaining b/c your boss choose a bar. If he had picked a venue that served no alcohol....then other team members would've been unhappy. So at the end....he choose to make the "majority" happy. (and keep in mind that the place does have non-alcoholic drinks).

2) In my personal experience, when companies or bosses plan a "outing" during which you are being paid....its expected that you be with your team and participate (b/c after all, they're paying you for that time). I don't think there would be any issue if you request "vacation" time during those outings if you don't want to participate. And yes....whether its your work or personal life....never ASSUME anything. :)

As I said before....I go to bars often and don't see it as a big deal. Most bars have a food menu, coffee, and other non-alcoholic drinks. We don't live in a perfect world and unfortunately, people do judge you....and this can have a pretty negative effect in a person's career if you're not careful. I don't think your co-workers would have an issue with you not drinking. But however....the fact that you won't even spare an hour to "socialize" with them does come across as anti-social. I understand you don't like the "smell" of alcohol. But we all deal with things we don't like. It really wouldn't have hurt you to go hang out with your team for an hour, make an excuse, leave....and then go hang out with your friends. BUT.....you make the decision that it wasn't worth it for you to go at all.

At the end....you're right in stating that you will not achieve much by bring this up with your boss (or anyone above him). Whether it's our husband's, in-laws, or boss.....at the end of the day.....you have to learn to pick and choose your battles. Fight the one's the really matter. And in my humble opinion....this isn't one of them.