I am looking to get married, I am not going for arranged marriage completely, essentially families meet first, then if they are happy then get to know each other.
One thing I was wondering is how do you ascertain if the other person is the correct person? My elders have said, if you spend time meeting one another and are happy then feelings may/may not develop and you can see from there.
My major mental blockage is how can you develop feelings to someone you’re not married to? I don’t think I am wired up to “develop” feelings for women that are strangers (I know there is a purpose but still at the end of the day that’s the case) Am I maybe better off doing a completely arranged marriage? Thing is these days none wants to marry like that, plus I have the fears from below to attend to, too.
I have been married in the past so I know what these feelings are, but this was a completely arranged marriage that didn’t really work out due to many reasons.
Hi Yoda. You simply talk to a girl. Then go from there. If you think you have good understanding with her or will have based on your experience in the past then proceed.
Get to know her but make sure you are not 'comparing' her to the previous lady. You should also not base your decision on meeting a girl first time because majority of the people are not entirely themselves when they dont know you. Give her some time and get to know her..maybe hang out and do some activities together rather than sitting down and having a conversation (because some ppl find one on one convos awkward on initial meetings).
Honestly speaking, you can get a really good idea of a person by talking to them. Islamically, hanging out and spending time together alone is not allowed. You can talk to her and learn about her future plans, perspective on marriage, etc., as long as you both aren't alone.
Honestly speaking, you can get a really good idea of a person by talking to them. Islamically, hanging out and spending time together alone is not allowed. You can talk to her and learn about her future plans, perspective on marriage, etc., as long as you both aren't alone.
I don't think you can. Talking is just words. How much can you know by someone telling you about themselves?..:S plus trust me, someone who doesnt know you will never be entirely themselves in front of you.
Who is saying go out alone. Go with your friends, cousins or whatever..:s. I just think there are very high chances on missing out on a great person just because that person was not able to truly come across as themselves on their first time meeting you. That is quite unfair to another person to expect that they are very good communicators and that they tell you everything about themselves. I mean, why should they? they don't even know you.
You don't have to have only one meeting. you can have more than that.
As for going out with cousins or friends, that's still "hanging out." Islamically speaking, interaction between the couple before nikah should be very minimal as they are still non-mahram.
Even if they go out, there's no guarantee that they'll get to know each other more. I mean, before marriage, couples are on their best behavior, as you know.
^then it makes absolutely no difference if you talk to them before marriage or not, since they are gona be on their best behaviour anyways.
If you actually get to know a person through some activity, you actually get to see certain aspects of their personality that wont necessarily come out in conversations. Basically, I am just not in favour of heart to heart conversations prior to getting married..think about it..I am a woman, i go out to meet a guy for marriage purposes..WHY would i feel like opening up to him? he is not my friend, not my relative. I wont. And many women feel that way when a guy's family comes over and the guy wants to 'talk' to the girl.
^then it makes absolutely no difference if you talk to them before marriage or not, since they are gona be on their best behaviour anyways.
If you actually get to know a person through some activity, you actually get to see certain aspects of their personality that wont necessarily come out in conversations. Basically, I am just not in favour of heart to heart conversations prior to getting married..think about it..I am a woman, i go out to meet a guy for marriage purposes..WHY would i feel like opening up to him? he is not my friend, not my relative. I wont. And many women feel that way when a guy's family comes over and the guy wants to 'talk' to the girl.
It makes a difference because we're not supposed to "hang out" with the opposite gender as Muslims.
It's not about heart to heart conversation. Just talk about things that you feel are important in a married life, in your partner, future plans, upbringing of children, commitment to religion, family values, etc. Heart to heart should be left for after nikah.
