A dear friend of mine died yesterday. Our families have been friends for many years, kids the same age more or less, similar interests and background, we just understand each other.
My friend died after almost two years of suffering with cancer. Her two older children, like mine, are in their early 20’s and her younger one is younger than my youngest - he’s eight. He had not seen his mother for six weks before she died. It has been really hard on them, especially as neither had family here.
We are planning to go to the funeral tomorrow. My oldest went to see them - a six hour journey - today and informed me that the little one - who was informed, finally, by his elder sister (not the father who is just too grief stricken to function) that “ammi jannat mein gayee hein” is not being taken to the funeral. I know they want to protect him, but I wonder how sensible it is in the long term. Funerals are a ritual with a purpose. I want to talk to them … any ideas how I can approach it?
I'm sorry to hear about your friend.
I think the kid will be fine in the long term. He is not capable of grasping the idea of death. Attending the funeral could have negative psychological effects. I don’t think his presence is necessary.
That poor baby. sighz Honestly, I'd recommend you not get involved. They've made the decision that they want to protect their youngest in this way. If you interfere, they might not like it or they might blame later problems with the child on you.
Besides, he's young. And he has his siblings as a support system. If I were in that position, and my husband died. I would shield the child in the same way.
I think you should respect their decision, seeing a parent's funeral is not easy no matter how much the ritual has a purpose. You have to realize hes going to remember the last memory he has of her for the rest of his life, and that shouldn't be seeing her be buried, hes too young to separate the good times with this event.
A funeral is more than a ceremony, it is where family comes to say good-bye, console one another, and where kids can realize a parent is passed away. My first husband passed away when my children were younger and it is one thing to tell a child a parent passed away, they have a hard time grasping what that means. A funeral with a viewing allows a child to see and absorb what happens and allows that final good-bye. A funeral without a viewing does the same but without the visual impact.
Anyone, but especially a child needs to be told the truth. It will hurt a lot in the short run but in the long run they come to grips better with the passing away of a parent. If the truth is with held from a child, not only do they have to deal with the death, but also with the feelings of a prolonged seperation, the betrayal that comes with family members lying (no matter what the intention is, it is a lie), and the fact there was no final good-bye.
I have gone through this and so has my sister (her kids were a lot younger, oldest was 3 when her husband passed away).
Unfortunately, Shirin, this is a very personal issue.
You may have to step back and let the family decide what is right. I may do things one way, but they have to make that choice for their family. Everyone deals with death and grief in different ways and they think they are doing the best they can right now.
If you feel strongly and you are close enough that it won't seem an intrusion, you may wish to offer your view. Please realize though, the family is grieving and is sensitive and will not take any criticism now, they will be hearing a lot of different views on a lot of different things and may be overwhelmed. Keep in mind, they may lash out, also.
But all in all, I believe that this is a decision that lies totally with the family of the child.
^ I can see where you are coming from but don’t you think a closure can be brought by telling the truth rather than showing it? Are we over estimating the child's ability to see the funeral, understand it and move on?
No we are not, I think you are under-estimating a child's need to have closure and to have a sense of finality and their ability not to feel betrayed after learning they have been lied to. My kids are in their teens and one or two yrs away from adulthood and I still hear the "I remember when you said...."
No matter how much the family wishes to shelter that child, in the long run, by doing this, they are creating more for him to deal with (abandonment, betrayal, delayed grief). Death is the natural end of a life and should be treated as such.
But as I said, how people deal with death varies and with families, you have to allow them to deal with it in their own way.
A good long hug is always a comforting start along with short stories like “remember the time when your Mom .. "
I only had to do it once to a 10-11 year old when his 20something brother died. I sure pray that I never have to do that again.
M_M, I agree that everyone close should be there. Funerals have this humbling experience that cannot be found anywhere else, besides burying your elders give you a sense of responsibility that might calm the nerves.
Thank you, all of you, for your replies. I truly appreciate your quick answers and the different points of view. What a great bunch of people we have on gupshup!
Of course I know well that the decision is not mine to make and I would never interfere, especially at a time like this. I have no doubt that everyone tries to do their very best.
What I find interesting in the replies here and in personal messages from friends is that those who really have lived through the death of someone close to them (Minah, miss mohabbat, ahmedjee) are most in favour of participation in the funeral.
When my oldest was eight, I lost a baby at term through stillbirth. We tried to protect the children and kept them away from the funeral etc. Our oldest was very angry at us for years about this. God forbid, if I had to do something like I know now that if I did have any doubt I would ask my children what they wanted to do.
In the end I think they have decided the kid will go to school as usual and then go to a friends' house as though nothing had happened. I hope he will be able to cope with his feelings afterwards.
Shirin - One of the biggest risks in doing something like this that you could mention to the family is what the child will overhear from others. A passing remark or a rumor, or even a well-meaning person coming up and offering condolences to a family member while he is in earshot. Perhaps that should be considered by the family, also. You know how kids are, even when you think they aren't listening they are. I just hope none of the children who attend class with him know or he will be wondering why he was left out. He is eight, after all.
Dear Shirin. Im sorry to read about your friend death may she rest in peace and get a place in Jannat. I think there is nothing wrong with it if her youngest child go to funeral i think its good to say goodbye to his mom. Coz you told in your thread that he doesn’t see his mom for 6 weeks. So now he can take leave of his mom. My lil bro was 10 yrs old when he said goodbye to my daddy 2 yrs ago. But look your self what its the best.
Like others have suggested, it's best to not get involved. However, I think an eight year old should be taken to the funeral, especially since it's his mother's. I'm sure he'd remember it and it could probably be something that he would later on wish he had been part of.
Lots of issues here. lots of fear, lots of well meaning relatives with their own grief. The kid was sent to school and then friend's house. I couldn't say anything much, there was just too much pain there. I hope he manages to heal slowly in time, along with his family.
What broke my heart was hearing the older sister telling me that when she told him his mother was in heaven, this child who has spoken with her on the phone every night for the last six weeks said, oh, then can you give me her new phone number?
