Hi I'm new to this so please bear with me
I've been married for 3 years and we dated for a year before that my husband has a promiscuous past but when we met he stopped everything even going out without me even expecting it let alone asking him I was 20 and he (23) was my first boyfriend
My friends and his friends used to hang out as a group and my ex friend added him on Snapchat used to message him generally not knowing he's sitting next to me sending kiss emojis and drawing Willie's and stuff on Snapchat silly things and he would save them and show them to me where as she would save everything else but not her kissie emojis so I stopped speaking to her and thought he was honest as he showed me things I wouldn't have known about otherwise fast forward 1 year after marriage she gets in contact with me saying don't know why you've cut me out etc and then told me 3 weeks before me and him got married he kissed her and she said she rejected him begged her not to tell me when I found out I was heartbroken was very close to ending it he convinced me to make it work and we did he was always transparent with his phone social media gave me passwords even before he kissed her which because I had trust issues I would always check and never found anything
It took me about 2 years to really stop thinking about that often and being hurt and trusting him, February this year and I'm 8 month pregnant (after losing a baby last year due to sepsis and ending up in icu)
And we have a big argument over something petty and he leaves the house takes his clothes and goes to stay with a friend of his next day I'm getting a horrible gut feeling and also had a dream about him cheating brushed it off as insecurity and thought he just needs to cool down and he'll come home and apologise that feeling didn't go away all day so I logged into his social media didn't find anything until I got to Snapchat and saw a message from a woman and location saved I called him and asked him whose that woman he started denying and locked me out of sc by changing password I already screnshotted so added her off my own account and messaged her she told me they had just started talking that day off his friends badoo account and it was all sex talk she sent me screenshots and that he added her on sc and video chatted and he sent a dick pik after he came home finally admitted when confronted with proof only found out weeks after daughter was born that she was naked in the bath him asking to see her bits she showed her boobs and talking about what they'd do to each other then when call ended he sent the pik after that they didn't speak a few hours later is when I checked his sc.
Again he's begging for forgiveness but ever since we've been up and down he's trying his best promised it was the once will never happen again etc she was a older woman late 30s and now I'm in pieces so insecure and hurt again crying my eyes and snapping at him constantly I need some advice on how to move forward I really don't want to be a single mum to newborn and don't want her to have a broken home like the one I've come from but I can't seem to get over this.
What do you want to hear? That you should keep destroying yourself more and more until death do you part or that if you were really concerned about a broken home for your future kids you should have left him the minute he broke your trust in the relationship given you knew about his past? I don't like the term broken home, but I do believe in broken people. You and your child deserve more than a sorry excuse of a human who can't be loyal.
If it sounds harsh that's not my intention. The answer to your dilemma is clear, question is can you handle it?
Idk how old you are, whether you can support yourself or if you've got a support system. Taking care of a newborn/child is not easy, you really wanna deal with (lifelong) anxiety? You wanna play your cheating husband's mom for the rest of your life? People who cheat have no self-respect, self-love or conscience er even empathy let alone for another , do you deserve someone like that?
Thankyou for your reply, I guess I wanted to know if anyone has been through something similar and how they worked it out. I knew about his past but alot of people who have pasts and are completely are honest about them do become better people but I guess he's not one of them.
The last incident was before marriage and he convinced me that marriage means more and to cheat in a marriage has different consequences religion wise aswell and I was stupid enough to believe him.obviously I'm kicking myself and regretting it all now.
I've already decided to give him another chance and try to make it work I'm scared about the future and can only hope that if or when it happens again I will be strong enough to leave as I'm not right now I'm scared to leave and I don't really have anyone to turn to and will struggle alot.
I wI'matched my mum struggle and raise 5 kids alone even though it was better for my parents to divorce it doesn't make it easier to not have a father growing up especially as a girl maybe if I did I wouldn't have ended up with my husband.
The last thing I want is my daughter growing up blaming me for the fact that her parents aren't together.
Plenty of women with or without kids whose (ex)husbands were serial cheaters and they dumped their nasty ass if they didn't get dumped first and survived and thrived. Also, lots of women who think they can change him and keep him on the straight and narrow path by giving him chance upon chance.
Very few people truely regret their past and decide to change, actually a lot of people are "honest" about their colourful past to see how their partner reacts in order to determine whether they'll tolerate such things in the future.
Lolol a guy doesn't need to wait until marriage to behave like a loyal person. Come on. If there's no love or respect before married life, don't think married life and halal intercourse is going to change him. If someone truely values a relationship, will do so before as well as during marriage. Not those who look for lust or for other female attention the minute you two have an disagreement about sense or nonsense.
Regret about past life decisions is one thing, but if that regret doesn't motivate you to make smarter decisions which will affect your present and future then do you really wanna learn from your mistakes? Or is it denial? How is holding on to something stronger going to make it easier to let go when he WILL cheat again? Rather than focussing all your efforts on giving him another chance, l would suggest prepare yourself and look for a way out as soon as you can. It's not easy, not at all especially if you lack self-respect, boundaries and support, but you ain't the first woman nor will you be the last sadly. But don't be desi and think that bringing another baby into this mess will save your husband and marriage.
I don't think your daughter would blame you for not staying together after being cheated on by her father. I think she would mind if you went on to stay with her father despite ongoing cheating which will affect your mental wellbeing and as a result your daughter's too. Or perhaps it might teach her that a woman is supposed to accept cheating because that's "what all men do". She will need to be shown the example of a strong and happy woman, not a weak, unhappy mother. It's not easy being a single mom or to grow up without a father figure, but your husband can still be involved in her life if you so decide to separate. If he doesn't want to, well that also shows how much a father cares about his kids. Kids are resilient and smart and not every child of a single mom is doomed for life. It's more complex than that.
Anyhoo, good luck. I hope things work out, whatever you decide.
1- Do not give up on your personal grooming and health(physical and mental).
2- Do not try to make him jealous by giving him a taste of his own medicine.
3- Do not share your woes with someone jealous of you, or of your husband.
4- Do not give up on home duties like taking care of the baby, the dishes, cooking, and general upkeep.
Ironically, you are the responsible one, you value the marriage and the baby more so you will have to sacrifice more also. Life is not fair. Seems like yesterday when I used to get home around 10pm, to an hour of nagging. By 12 midnight I would be in the kitchen cooking, doing entire day’s dishes or cleaning the bathroom till 1am or 2am. Then get up again at 6 to go to work. Weekends were only slightly less busy. Week after week, month after month, year after year. Life was hell, so I kinda know what I’m talking about.
On a parallel track, try your best to rein him in. Don’t overthink it, instead take it as if your husband is a heroin addict. The great hope you have is that at least he acknowledges it wrong. There are folks who won’t even admit that. Presently, if he strays 5 times a year. Just for now, aim to bring it down to twice a year. Give yourself achievable goals. Then do it on a 2 year, 5 year basis and so on. In no time children will grow up and will be the best witness and support for you iA.
Someone who thinks cheating days/weeks before marriage is not a big deal because it's less worse than doing so during marriage according to religion (lol) or that you can look for attention elsewhere after a fight... that's an immature little boy... not a man, husband or father material.
Such a dude is not capable of change because his thinking is messed up. After a certain age, the way someone thinks is not going to change and if it does it won't be drastic improvement. Especially not someone who feels comfortable enough to justify his nasty actions with illogical arguments. I wanna know where he read this nonsense.
Yes, wife needs to sacrifice herself and mother him rather than feel like a wife and be with a somewhat equal partner or even single raising wholesome kids without exposing them to too much childhood trauma. No, let's advice this poor soul to look for comfort and support in her kids in the future because kids need to be involved in the mess that their parent/s created.
So they too in turn can be messed up immature adults raising the next generation, passing their trauma on to future generations. Putting up with someone like this is not sign of responsibility. That would be seeking (mental) help, dealing with your own childhood trauma if you don't want to pass it on to your kids rather than using it as an excuse for your learned helplessness. I'm sure it's not easy having seen your mother struggle or not having had a father to count on, or even be involved with someone like your husband or experiencing a miscarriage, but give yourself time and don't rush blindly into anything. Also, don't be financially dependent on any man, even a wonderful husband can suddenly pass away or an evil husband can keep you under his thumb and do as he pleases.
How many times should someone slip for people to stop advicing women to keep trying @_@
Waking up every morning next to a guy who isn't loyal, wondering every day whether you should stalk his social media accounts or wonder what he's going to do outside as he walks out the door is really not love, easy or good for your own sanity.
Are you separated now? I lived the same life without being appreciated. Are many ladies there like this. I think many were raised to believe that they are entitled to a life with servants. I was watching Jordan Peterson and he thinks not doing anything is easy, unless people have goals there is no motivation, maybe people dont take action as they think everything is fate and written and accountability is not needed,
Lmao good to see people are still nuts in this place. Your advice(s) suck.
OP, as far as I can tell from what you have said... youve deffo got at least another 5-10 chances left in you for him to eff up. So lets be realistic about that and give you things to do now. Start to mentally prepare yourself for worst case scenarios where you may not grow old together, but also be present in your current reality and stop snapping at him. Understand that whilst you love him and he has disappointed you, perhaps ending it sooner rather than later would be good for you.. as in you get your independence, you're able to provide the best version of you to your child because your mind may not be constantly clouded with fear, paranoia and insecurity about the father of your child.
Keep doing that every time he screws up.. Eventually you can find the courage to walk away. On the very rare occasion he actually gets his **** together, you're already losing respect for him... so make sure you can see yourself completely getting past it, because if you cant and he genuinely attempts to fix things then it won't be fair on both of you to torture yourselves and build long term resentment.
Side note, people definitely should attend therapy before having kids.. it's like the blind leading the blind rolleyes
