Changes in personality---b4 and after gettin' married!

Lifestyle Relationships
1

A Girl: 23 years old, educated from good school in Murree, Pakistan and got her college education in one of the best colleges in Lahore and completed her BBA from very reputed business school in US. She belongs to a very moderately liberal family, and has lived her life as liberal girl.

A Guy: 29 years old, educated from good school in Lahore, Pakistan and got his college education in one of the best Universities in UK. Very liberal family, and lives a life which can be called very hi-fi type.

Girl, my best friend got married last month and has changed dramatically after getting married whereas her hubby is the same and has not made any changes to his lifestyle as yet……now my friend is not what she was and going through rough patch as she is trying to find her identity as her hubby wants to dominate her in every way.

She used to party, wear bold and revealing dresses where she does not stand out as odd girl, and she wore abaya without any problem as well when she had to do a project of 3 months in Middle East. She is very accommodating and believes that when in Rome one should do what Romans do…..but she is finding it hard to adjust to the demands of her hubby as he is forcing his preferences on how should she dress, behave in public, and in party she would just sit and talk……

Now I can see many girls going through same scenario as hers, but thing which baffles me, is that they both met for three months before her engagement and he liked how she was….westernized but within certain limits, and then after her engagement, (which lasted 4 months) nothing changed and he did not make her to do anything which she would not like to do…..

What happens after marriage…..? what she was doing as his fiancé was right before marriage and now certain restrictions are being applied on her and he wants her to change to be a girl who is totally opposite to what she was…my question are:

  • Why does men (usually) change after marriage? What makes them think differently after they marry the girl they liked as she was but not as she should be…..?
  • How can she keep her identity without compromising on the long term quality of the relationship? What are her options?
  • Why…a woman should change and try to accommodate whereas most guys would keep their lifestyles as is (of before being married)?
  • Why talking to opposite sex is right (in mens mind) for a man and not for a woman?

I know the solution has to be workedout by my fern and her hubby, but I would like to offer her some kind of advice …..with solid and workable solutions…not just like the ones….”sab theek ho jaye ga waqt key saath?” type….

Please advise…especially if you have gone through such a situation please contribute!

Xxxxxx

2

Re: Changes in personality---b4 and after gettin' married!

Its a very difficult question to answer, because it entirely depends on a person and how that person reacts to various influences around them.

Most people keep maturing and adapting to changes after marriage. Some are subtle changes, some are more obvious. Its hard to judge whether it is just marriage thats triggering those changes, or are there other factors involved (like a new set of friends, changes in job, relocation etc). Many people get religion at a later age in life, some others get overy liberal and disconnected from religion.

Its not generally so much a man vs woman issue, where only women change and man remain the same. But it could be, where the husband is more dominant; or vice versa if the wife is very dominant, her husband will adapt. Couples get to a meaningful and comfortable equilibrium in strange ways. Those that do live happy married lives, and those that fail to adapt, separate.

3

Re: Changes in personality---b4 and after gettin' married!

Men change also but they do it quietly without making a fuss.

4

Re: Changes in personality---b4 and after gettin' married!

This is the reason why people should remain happily single!

5

Re: Changes in personality---b4 and after gettin' married!

^ You've read my book?

6

Re: Changes in personality---b4 and after gettin' married!

y are freinds so concerned abt wt happens to their frends when they get married , its her and her husbands life and their decisions . if your really her friend u shud accept her the way she is . the 1st year of marriage is always a tough time where the couple are yet adjusting im sure ur frend will be fine.

i hate the desi concept of blaming the husband for everything . just leave her alone

7

Marriage is compromise, maybe one is compromising more than the other.

I'm not sure if what u r saying is that the lady is happy to compromise or not?

8

my question is....compromising and adjusting/agreeing to adjust are two different things, adjustment is something which one can make without scarifising his/her own identity, while compromising is to be on more defensive position and taking whatever comes your way.

In my personal opinion, if one's personality is very strong then making compromises would have long term devastating effects.

The reason for asking for our friends is, that when they want to discuss these issues with their close friends, the close friends should not be at loss of words and should be able to advise friends in a positive manner.

mizzrani:
And it is not about playing blame game, if you were on the other side of the fence and you had to make changes to your self and I mean drastic changes would you still be saying the same....irrespective of the fact that whether it is aman or a woman, if both are marrying each other and have known each other for some time, they should not think of changing the other when the status of their relationship change!

And if it happens, how can it be handled without creating too many frictions......

RupayHalwa:
She is very confident girl, but I am worried for her that she might live happily by changing herself to what she never was and even her would be hubby indicated that she does not need to change, although she has changed a lot after marraige but I am just concerned that since it is not her real personality she will not be very happy....and as a friend I do not wanna see her unhappy!

9

Re: Changes in personality---b4 and after gettin' married!

^ u said she will live happily... isn't that what matters?

true there are some psychotic cases like in the last thread, but most of the time, its usually a person outside the marriage whos having problems with the friend who got married.

10

Sara516.... I understand from where you are coming from...I totally undertand what you are saying!

But I brought this up, not on my own, but when she was asking me for advice, I could not give much as giving "stereo type tassali".... is not going to work with her, as I know her ver well.... so I wanted to get opinion from those who either have gone through such situations and handled it successfully or are in possession of knowledge of how best to tackle these kind of situations......

I am sure, she will try to change herself as much as possible to be in line with her hubby's wishes, but then that will not be the same person...

I dread to be in a situation where I would be making major changes to myself in order to be "happy" with my would be hubby!.... and it is not gender targeted complaint, roles can very well be reversed and the other partner would be in same situation.....aahhh..... why can not all people accept people how they are and not as they should be!

11

Re: Changes in personality---b4 and after gettin' married!

People will always change thru the years, its inevitable. But when the change is forced upon a person, that is not a good thing. A married couple should be a team, they should learn and grow together AS a team, not as a master/slave relationship. If the husband is "telling her" what to do, she should stand up and set him straight before he gets the idea that she is a push-over and that the relationship is HIM (as "boss") and HER (as fief)

12

aisha changes or no changes , everybody changes in life marriage or no marriage i just dont think it is anybody's business , if she is a true friend she should accept her friend she may not go out that much or wear bold clothes or have male frends how does this make a difference to their friendships .

13

Mamaof3....I totally agree with you..and I have spoken to my friend and also told her that she has to stand-up for herself... but she want to see if she can make him happy by toeing to the line that he is carving out for her.......

mizzrani:
Change definitely is inevitible, but those changes are no obligation changes and comes into personality gradually not over night! and change coming from within for which you have justification/reason is easier to adapt to, whereas change coming from outside is usually accepted if solid reasoning is behind it to support it.....

It is not about me and my friendship with her getting affected..it is HER who is being affected.... and that thing is what saddens me......

I take your point...and agree that friends should not try to help their friends and once they get married they should be left at the "rehm-o-karam" of her hubby!

14

Re: Changes in personality---b4 and after gettin' married!

MY opinion: power struggle, usually masking his own insecurity..the dominating role...typical male behaviour, when he knows he smells competition, and is insecure about himself, making his wife a submissive role gives him assurance that he is 'someone'...
The ball is his field right now...let him enjoy..but tell your friend not to sweat and take out the time to find out the root explanation...trust me, she can make it happen.

15

Salz you say you dread making changes to yourself to make your husband happy correct?

If that is the case then hun you better not be getting married anytime soon beause that's what marriage is all about: sacrifice and compromise over and over again.

Tajruba
16

Re: Changes in personality—b4 and after gettin’ married!

Oh boy! These days it looks like people in general are so resistant to change while they wish and expect their spouses to change for them :hmmm:

First and foremost, I think when couples get married, they should avoid involving friends and family members to share or solve trivial matters. It’s the trivial matters that get blown out of proportion and become big issues.

No matter how liberal I am or my husband is, we all, ALL have to change when we tie the knot. No one can live with another person 24 hours a day for the rest of their lives without some kind of adjustment, not even parents and children. After marriage, the level and intensity of a relationship changes.

Now, one may take it with a grain of salt while some may jump up and down as if their life was coming to an end.

Husbands change too. Their relationships with their friends, family, etc. change whether we believe it or not.

So personally, I would tell your friend to be more supportive and tolerant. He is hopefully not asking her to do something wrong or immoral, or lower her self esteem in anyway.