I have found (and read) many times that when a husband asks his wife to change… it automatically becomes a battle of sexes or egos..
why is change perceived this way?
Sometimes, when our better half (or even maybe another family member) asks us to change a habbit of ours, why dont we think with a cool head and think of the benefits that would come out if it rather than assume the person is trying to change us and control us..
if that change brings happiness to your life.. and makes u a better person and in return improves your relationship, isnt that a good thing?
rather than waiting for the other person to change, if u can speed up the happiness process.. assuming thats the main reason for the dispute, why not just change urself a lil?
(this has come about after reading ahmedjee’s blog about happiness)
i hate it when you like/love someone and they change, for the worse.
but i dont mind changing something abt myself for my family and loved ones.
actually my sister points out stuff, and i fix it=]
although it might be diff if you put it in another sense, like your spouse/fiancee/boyfriend. if they asked me to change, i would react differently and may not appreciate their suggestion.
I agree with you sadzzz. They have to change for good.
Most of the time ppl want to change you because they are jealous of you and want to change just to hurt you.
Whoever loves you and want happiness then he instead of trying to change you will change him or herself. There is no need to ask.
But some ppl try to change you to let you down, to hurt you or make you sad.
i dont agree..
people may ask u to change for ur benefit, not to hurt you or upset u.. or to make u feel bad.. instead they may point out something that may help you in bettering yourself..
and there is nothing wrong with that..
thats what im trying to say.. if ur hubby or wife asks you to change a habit of yours.. it DOES NOT mean that they are hurting you or are jealous of u... it could simply mean that they see an opportunity for you to become an even better person..
what is so insulting about that? only loves makes you want to see ur spouse that way. How can that be perceived negatively..
yes yes.. if they love you they should accept you as you are... but if they love you, they will also want to help you succeed in all different aspects of life.. isnt that what true love is?
I agree with you sadzzz. They have to change for good.
Most of the time ppl want to change you because they are jealous of you and want to change just to hurt you.
Whoever loves you and want happiness then he instead of trying to change you will change him or herself. There is no need to ask.
But some ppl try to change you to let you down, to hurt you or make you sad.
dude!!!!
larkion sy bateen ker ker tumhara dimadgh bhi ult ho gia.
sound like a guppan now!!
Well between men and woman , who ever feel uncomfortable some thing should express it!!
Openly and honestly. And both should be able to present there case.
And if person agree with his/her spouse point of view, then he/she should alter her/his way.
I don't know sadzzz. I feel like it's wrong for anybody to 'ask' someone to change...It's not something that happens instantly so people should be encouraged rather than just ASKED to change.
CA... encouraging change is probably what im trying to get out.
Obviously outrightly asking someone to change can be harsh and daunting..
but lets say, your hygene methods arent so great and they may be affecting the health of a loved one.. and if changed, they would make things a lot better. Would you be upset if your hubby asked u to change?
Changing for the better should never be discouraged. God knows how much we need positive change!
sadzzz you've made good points, it does become an ego war, sadly. People get so defensive like they're supposed to be perfect. Human beings don't like criticism and it's not easy I know but I hope one can come to grips with reality and understand their weaker areas.
Oh and both partners need to be open to this. I think the biggest turn off is when one partner is forever trying to improve the other and not themselves at all!
I think change shouldn't always be viewed as a confronting other, or something that is a threat to your existence. Most people become defensive (even offensive) when they're old to change/control a bad habit. The blame, however, is to be shared by both, the one asking for change and the one who should change. Any true and sustainable change can come only from a deep realization as to know what you had been doing was wrong, and that means the subject shouldn't be arrogant when lightly criticized, and the guide must be insightful to make a good argument. Half-baked solutions only lead to further disaster.
i personally think, its the way in which the person who wants the change discusses the issue at hand.. if ur gonna make it sound like ur in control and the person must do what u ask, its not gonna work...
u need to have open communication and develop that understanding before discussing such issues.. and yes.. the subject shouldnt get so defensive..
many a times at work we may be asked to change something.. our approach about an issue, we dont make an issue out of it... so why at home?
i guess its all in the delivery... and having an open mind
Changing for the better is a great thing...doesnt mean you're changing WHO you are but rather a few bad habits maybe or adopting some good practices...for your benefit.
CA... encouraging change is probably what im trying to get out.
Obviously outrightly asking someone to change can be harsh and daunting..
but lets say, your hygene methods arent so great and they may be affecting the health of a loved one.. and if changed, they would make things a lot better. Would you be upset if your hubby asked u to change?
I'm all for encouraging and positive reinforcement but no one needs to tell me to change.
If my hubby 'asked' me to change in the above scenario then I'd tell him to smell his armpits before saying another word. :D jk I think change can be encouraged by using humour(not making fun though)...or saying something that doesn't affect the other person negatively, there's a way to tackle such issues the right way and at the right time. I know it sounds technical but it's very simple, just putting yourself in the other person's shoes really helps. I agree with you but I'm just saying outrightly asking a spouse to change is a BIG NO in my dictionary. It kinda reminds me of some offensive desi aunties..lol