omg ..every single word of this post is so so true..totally agree with everythingsaid..
Every one here agrees to the fact that Divorce rate is High in West and low in East.
The Reasons why it is so is that , that there are immense differences with each others.
I think the main problem is that we are not looking it in black and white pattern , but the figure seems blur instead.
Those who are/have settled in West are considering theirselves as " We are from West " , yes they are but still they are in those Hybride Western Socities which are still in struggling for Escape from Estern socities.
If we will see purely in Black and White scenario , I think every one is agree that why The Divorce Rate in West is High and Low in East.
Saying this that Spouse is passing Bad time with theire husbands in East because , She is not encouraged for Divorse or this thing is not appreciated or for sake of Children or face saving they are " Just in Husband and Wife " Relation is not true.
Saying this we should not ignore our Family Values.
See ,
1. In East our Society encourages us for being Patiance with each others(Husband wife) and be in Family life.
Outside from home/house we have very little opportunaties for getting our Desires satified and Also these things are seen with bad sight.
In East Children remains more dependent on Parants and in Touch , which results in a very Positive interaction and this makes the Unit more stronge , in return parants expects same return from their childeren, old age houses are very rare in east.
The outside environment , the media , people , the govment etc every thing encourages for being together.
The belief matter is very dominant , which is Respect , Justice and sense of countability on day of Judgment.
and many like this can be found in east.
On the Other hand in West the Main issue of "LA DINIATH".
a thing more Important in Marriage is that , that marriage in not only for Satisfying desires , but it is Partnership , avoiding loneliness , Sharing one anothers Griefs and Joys.
Sexual Desire is A MOJOR MOTIVE for being in Couple , But actually it keeps the Couple together for Life ventures.
Re: Chances of getting married again
my dad's first cousin got married in extended family and moved to UK (She was 21 and the guy was 20 at that time) . There she found out abt the gori girl her husband has been dating. He clearly told her that he has been forced into marraige and he will not continue to be with her. The marriage ended in divorce.
Parents didn't try to get her married again and she remained unmarried for 15 years after her divorce. Then in 2007 out of nowhere a rishta of a divorced guy came for her , they just had one meeting in her home and both of them agreed to marray each other. She is extremely happy in her marriage now Masha Allah. And to be honest she was 40 when she married again , she is not beautiful , she gained alot of weight and she has only completed school and was also not working. Despite all odds she got married again.
I firmly believes that its all NASEEB. Allah is fair and He pays you back for your sufferings. We need to just have patience and trust Him He will do good to you.
On the other hand I know someone from my inlaws whose 1st marriage ended in divorce bcuz her inlaws treated her worse than a slave. She got marraied again now her inlaws are no better and she sometimes suffer physical abuse too. But now she is too scared to end her marriage again and has accepted everything as her fate. It's all NASEEB.
I personally think that both man and woman has a right to live their lives in a decent way. Abuse is not always physical , it could be mental and emotional too and sometimes it does get very difficult for a person to survive the abuse. We should not JUDGE anyone , only the person who is experiencing a bad situation knows the pain and suffering and the sufferer has every right to make a decision for him/her self. We should noway disrespect anyone for being divorced.
But I also believe that PATIENCE and FAITH IN ALLAH should always be there just don't give in very quickly , try and try hard Allah will Help u. Husband & Wife relation is meant to be valued and kept from both sidess!
WOW.... garam garam discussion chal rahi hai... lol (TLK send some pakoray and chai plz :D)
See ladies and gentle..errrrrrrr.. (error occured) jk ;), simple is that you cannot take the right of re-marrying from anyone. Widow or divorcee man or woman both can very much re-marry. Divroce should be a last resort to sort out the issues. But there should be some** real** reason for it. And yes no doubt Allah knows whose reason was real and who was just trying to make/give a reason. At the end we all are answerable to Him.
*Of course there needs to be a real reason for it. In the West, divorce is not as easy as people are thinking it to be!!! You cant just say Talaaq 3 times and walk away...it takes almost a year and that is if it isnt contested...people dont go down that route for fun or pleasure. Its always a last resort. *
AE what you said above abt Eastern ppl is correct to some extent. But the situation is not that miserable as you have depicted. They are also human beings with a heart , emotions and feelings. So plz do not say that they are willing to so n so. If any woman or a man is ready to tolerate more just to "save face" or "for the sake of children" I dont think so there is something wrong with it. Rather he/she needs to be appreciated and encourged for being so strong and loyal to the promise she/he made to his/her Lord and his/her partner rather saying that he/she wants to live a loveless meaningless life.
The main difference what I see in East and West is, first, the Patience issue. In West patience level is low. Because the woman there is more independent. The more independant a lady is, the lower patience level would be. Whereas for men its the opportunities available to them in the market. Gals are so easily available that they can have 2-3 at a time :( .
*I think we're confusing Patience with Dependance here FT. Patience is a choice and Dependance is a majboori. It seems as if the women there dont have much of a choice and in that case...its not patience...its just the way their world is. *
On the contrary in East, specially the ladies, have more patience level, may be more tolerant and understand the position of husband and over all meaning of marriage because in East the Family Values still exists, they are alive and considered as something highly important. Then there are those gals n boys too who have grown up in such strict environment that they are more like robots and less human hence them thinking about divorce is out of question.
*Again, I beg to differ here. Family values are very much intact in the West contrary to popular belief that all girls raised in the West yell and disrespect their families. Ive seen more issues with Inlaws in marriages in Pakistan then in the West. From what Ive seen, girls in the West are not used to family politics and drama...we really dont know what to make of things Pakistani girls get all hyper over. *
Pakistani Girl: "Unki ammi ne mujhe aisa kyun kaha?!"
ABCD Girl: "Moon se nikal gaya hoga...jane do"
Pakistani Girl: "Nahin...vo mera ghar barbad karna chahti hein!!! Hayyeee Meri Phooti Qismat!!!!"
Secondly there is attitude problem. If my husband forbids me from doing something, i am not going to stand infront of his face and tell him "Who are you to tell me this? My father never stopped me. Or I am spending my OWN money. I am not taking from you" etc. This attitude is absolutely wrong and will ultimately lead you to something you never had thought of. This attitude is more seen and practiced in West. Why the difference in attitudes? Coz In west you see it happening all around you, so intentionally or unintentionally you are learning from your surrounding, your mind is picking it up and storing it inside. While in East this attitude is Still not very common. But I am afraid, the way woman is getting independant there, this attitude will be seen more. Sad though :(
*Im dealing with a few new imports from Pakistan here these days in my social circle...their attitudes are through the roof. These women are NOT by any means *dabi chupi huwi larkiyan jinke moon se UFF na nikley. **
Thirdly, kind of most imp one too, the infidelity issue. No doubt once again that too is more common in West. Cheating on your partner, or generally speaking, Cheating as an act itself is end of the strongest relationship regardless what type of relation. You break someoens' trust, you have lost it.
*Again, in Pakistani circles...I hear of this practice also from people who are either in Pakistan or come here brand new. They see all these women in shorts around them and go nuts...whereas people here dont consider it a big deal and dont get WOW'd by it. *
No offense.
Re: Chances of getting married again
PSquared we are here talking generally and not about rare cases. You cannot deny the fact that East is still far better than West. I do not want to quote any examples here but I have seen boys n gals from west who are basically Paksitanis but the decisions they took and the way the handled their matters was really shocking and no where rational to me.
Dependence is majboori I agree, but thats where your education and family up bringing helps. Dependence never means to ignore you husband or his rights. Same goes for men too. If wife is trusting you and has given you khulee chuttee, wont mean that you go and start an affair with a gal outside.
I do not feel any qualms saying that Pakistani gals are still very shaltered and submissive ( for whatever reasons). And do not take it as an offense against you. YOu are a Pakistani too. We definitely have those families who are staying abroad but they are sucessful in maintaing a real good life style which is more Pakistani, traditional or good muslim's over all.
What I was trying to highlight here is why divorce is high in West compared to East. And as I mentioned the direction East has taken, blindly following west, the day is not far that we will be having a same society as we are seeing in West. Which is very sad indeed. We should pick up the good things from west and not society evils like divorce.
I had never heard of this word in discussion too much until I came on internet and started listening to ppl stories. Till now in last so many years, I came across one paki boy's divorce who admitted his fault and said that his wife was on rite for asking for the divorce. As he cheated on her. Other all cases where from our boys n gals residing in West. And believe me the cases are not few. So this ratio n personal exp will tell me only that ppl there are taking it easy. the Laws may be strict but again the rate is high. Why? Must be something there that is causing it. Otherwise as you said who would happily get him/herself into all this mess?
I never say that Pakistanis are very chaste, but I am speaking generally. Divorce is a sharr n its spreading, it has reached to East too.
Re: Chances of getting married again
It's very EASY to divorce. It's very DIFFICULT to sustain a relationship.
I believe divorce happens when both partners believe they can do "better" without the other.
So I believe if they divorce - then they are already - READY - to move on in life WITHOUT any baggage and start fresh.
So divorce in the long run might not be such a bad option.
Just think. If you were dating a guy and found out you don't like him as much and can be without him. Would you still continue with this relationship? Definitely NOT.
However, I understand marriage is a different take than dating - but with so many arranged marriages and NO dating - I think they must be given a fair chance to seperate without having to call or perceive it as a taboo.
Re: Chances of getting married again
NJMASTI - My dear whilst I agree with your valuable comments I dont however feel that Divorce is easy- It an extremely painful process and one does not make this decision lightly.......there has to be irrevocable differences/ issues that lead a couple to even consider divorce and this is the last resort........
Re: Chances of getting married again
There are a multitude of things that are "Haram" and totally forbidden that we as muslims do everyday.
Divorce is "allowed" but disliked.
Lets not make the forbidden items somewhat acceptable cause it seems to be cool to do it. And most people do it.
Do we fit into any of these items:
Lying
Drinking
Cheating
Fornication
Backbiting
Not praying
Shirk (dont want to get into details of that here)
But OMG he/she is divorced ? Tattoo that "D" on his forehead and banish him to the farthest corners of this earth !?!
Getting divorced feels pretty bad but all the above kinda feel normal and good so lets label the one thing that feels bad and forget about what Islam says about it.
Remember: "Its allowed, but disliked" NOT haram, NOT prohibited, NOT a Gunnah!
As long as you gave it your best ... thats all that matters. As long as the other partner didnt cross the line that is unforgivable for you.. then so be it.
plentyoffish.com YAAAY!
Re: Chances of getting married again
Dear Fayax…u r absolutely right and I thank you for saying it as it is… do u have a web link for the aforementioned site:faizy:!!!
Re: Chances of getting married again
It has always been easy for men to remarry compared to a woman. Women have to put up with a lot of nonsense as they have to bear the brunt.
Re: Chances of getting married again
aarzoo - yes I would agree too- seeing as though statistically women outnumber men, men would therefore have greater opportunities of remarrying then women I feel....
It has always been easy for men to remarry compared to a woman. Women have to put up with a lot of nonsense as they have to bear the brunt.
Not always. But in eastern societies where people "talk" a lot, unfortunately it is the case.
Doesnt make it right though.
NJMASTI - My dear whilst I agree with your valuable comments I dont however feel that Divorce is not easy- It an extremely painful process and one does not make this decision lightly.......there has to be irrevocable differences/ issues that lead a couple to even consider divorce and this is the last resort........
agree with you on divorce being an emotionally painful process.
are you sure? your detailed posts made it seem like you knew all about divorces. 
have you lived in the west? or is it another case of mostly came on the internet and started listening to ppl stories?
Re: Chances of getting married again
*My initial POST was NOT about why or why you should not get divorced. Or the Who did what and why? And What your level of torrelance is. *
Only Allah knows what goes on inside a house. But the female divorcees get a negative "stigma" attahed to them. Yes like "D" on your forehead.
We all KNOW that divorce is not liked by Allah (SWT) but it is an option.
I wanted to know whether IN THESE DAYS - IN OUR GENERATION - does the negativity still exists.
Apparently it does! I am shocked by some opinions here.
Speaking for perosnal experience - one of my phoppho got divorced in pakistan. This was about 20 years ago and that was the end of her life. Everyone blamed her. No one even tried to give her a 2nd chance including her own family.
So now 20 years later - is it still the same? Have we evolved from "there MUST be something wrong with her" mentality or are we as a culture more accepting of giving 2nd chances.
Carry ON -
Re: Chances of getting married again
^ 20 years ago ..things in pakistan were a bit different.
Now there are more divorces and even more remarriages.
^ 20 years ago ..things in pakistan were a bit different.
Now there are more divorces and even more remarriages.
So fayax you think that things are different and that you feel that people are more accepting.
Do you think we the younger "more accepting" generation can teach torrelance to the ones that aren't.
(funny that word "torrelance" got tossed around in this thread a lot)
Re: Chances of getting married again
I lost my crystal ball. Cant see the future anymore.
Re: Chances of getting married again
i read through the first two pages, and skimmed through the rest. this seems like a very heated discussion, and rightly should be so, as there are many opinions.
now from my understanding, this thread isn't about whether or not getting a divorce is allowed and under what circumstances or whether a divorcee can re-marry again.
it's questioning whether you would marry a divorcee and whether or not it's considered such a taboo in our culture.
and quite honestly, i'd like to hear from people that have actually been through the process, because i believe this is what the thread was started for.