My relationship with my husband just doesn’t seem right anymore. I have caught my husband watching porn on numerous occasions, and because of this he denies it causing him to lie until I of course show him the proof, to which I have literally lost all respect for him.
I had always been disgusted by porn. I understand its just a healthy way for men to “get off their sexual frustration” however, I feel it gives an unrealistic view of women and makes them look degraded and completely butchers what “love-making” with the person you love is really supposed to be.
I am at a point in my life where I don’t know whether to leave him, meaning divorce, or to accept it and move on living with the fact that he will just do it forever. I had also started another thread on here about a year ago, about how my husband looks at other women whenever we go out, which I wouldn’t have had a problem with other than the fact that he is attracted to “every” young girl that comes in front of him. I can’t go out anywhere with him even to Walmart, without seeing him check out some average looking girl. This and the fact that I caught him watching porn caused my relationship to have numerous fights where I would cry sooo much, and told him I hated him and I don’t want to be with him. However its been 3 years into our marriage and he still continues doing it.
I literally don’t know what to do…he tells me he won’t do it, and whenever I causally ask him if he still watches porn behind my back, he promises that he doesn’t. I tell him that our relationship is at stake here, yet whenever I go to my parents house (2 weeks at a time who live in another state). He watches porn when I’m gone…only difference is: he’s more careful now in using the laptop we don’t use at all, and deleting the history by “site-to site” rather than the “whole history” and leaving “news articles etc” that he read, so I don’t have suspicion To me it just feels like I’m a burden living in his house where I’m just “in the way” of him wanting to watch porn, and looking at other women when we go out, and he just waits for the minute that I’m gone from the house that he can watch all this gross stuff.
I read articles online that say “its normal to watch porn” “at-least-he’s-not-cheating-on-you” “he still has sexual fantasies with other women” but being a muslim I can’t accept this to be normal. As a muslim we are given “tests” such as these in life to overcome them, and I have even talked to him telling him it’s wrong Islamically and he will be sinned for it, burn in hell, etc. But he still seems to do it. Our intimate relationship is normal (at least for him, me on the other hand freak out that he’s imagining all those women).
My main point is, he doesn’t see how hurt I am by this…to stop watching porn and looking at other women. If your significant other is so hurt by our actions that our relationship is at stake then we should do whatever we can to fix ourselves right? This has been going on for literally 3 years, where I have fought with him almost every 2 weeks about this. I know he won’t ever go up to women and talk to them/flirt with them, because he is really really shy, so he just gets off from staring I guess. But who knows in the future when a girl tries to seduce him..I doubt he would say no.
My self confidence is shattered…I feel ugly all the time. I literally want to be the other women that he looks at in shopping malls, rather than his wife. I want to have the body of the porn star that he looks at…all these thoughts come into my mind everyday shattering my self-worth of what I am to myself. I literally get so scared going anywhere with him, knowing that I might have to see my husband checking out a girl…I look at pictures of my friends on Facebook, online, etc. and wish I looked like them, because my hubby would look at her.
Also, the lies! I have lost so much self-respect for him where he has lied so much, not caring that lying and be dishonest with your spouse is wrong for the relationship. Mind you this has been going on for 3 years since day 1. I have tried everything, from yelling at him, to talking nicely, explaining to him this is haraam. Telling him how much I’m hurt, and have thoughts about me leaving him a lot. but to him it just seems like fixing it as in “being careful in hiding it better next time.” My latest is, I have not said “I love You” to him in the past 8 months. I used to say it to him so much before, and now I stopped saying it back to him, hoping this will really affect him. But of course it hasn’t because its been 8 months and I’ve still not said it back…and it just feels like Im going to spend my whole life not saying it back to him.
Our relationship otherwise is good. We don’t fight about other stuff and have same tastes, etc. However he is living a normal life, while in my mind/feelings I am deeply not satisfied with this relationship. I don’t daydream of myself having children with him (don’t have children yet) because I don’t see him as the type to be the “ideal father” for my kids. I don’t find myself daydreaming about when we get old etc. And this has a lot to do with it.
Sometimes I feel like I should just get out of this relationship while I don’t have children as if I end up having a child, then it would be harder to get a divorce. I am also relatively young at 26. I feel like I could get remarried, however the whole “divorce” in my family and culture is such a big deal. I don’t want my parents to go through all that humiliation of people gossiping when I get a divorce. Which of course desi’s do.
I’m at a point now, where it’s been so repetitive that I have become numb to this. Before I used to catch him watching porn, and yell at him not talk to him for a week, now I catch him, show him, get mad, and my behavior is normal the next day. Also, I see him looking at girls, before I would get really upset, now I see it, get hurt, but my feelings for it go away quicker, since it happens so often. It’s like I’m used to it now…which I know is not good! this means he’s winning with his behavior, and he wants this to happen where I just see this as a flaw of personality and move on with my life with him. he doesn’t think this is a goddamn big deal!!!
I also want to talk to my mom about this since were close, but we are used to hearing about “porn” but my mom is old fashioned and first of all she won’t understand it, and second of all she will lose all respect for her son-in-law who she respects so much now. The subject matter is so disgusting, I don’t know how elders will feel about. Once I tell her, and If I do decide to stay, she’s gonna spend her whole life having that thought in the back of her head whenever she sees him, how he is a pervert and I don’t want to ruin that. That is the reason why I want your guy’s advice as to what to do.
Please help, you guys are the only people that I’ve told this to.
