can you live in such a situation?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

So my wife has a friend who has been in love with a guy for the last four years. and they recently got engaged.
The girl is from a strict tribal pathan family. a frail girl but she took a stand that she will marry this guy. and despite the beatings of her father etc, she finally convinced them into giving her hand to the guy. Her father’s family has been alienated. Even her grandfather does not visit them any more

so far so good. a fairy tale right. but wait lets hear about the guy.

In the begining of the relationship, I am told, that the guy used to be very caring and nice. then with time his attitude changed. he is outright insulting to her. and he has been imposing severe restrictions on her. for example, he tells her not to talk to any guy in the bank she works. he has made her start wearing a hijab. she is not allowed to have calls from people after 9 PM from anyone, including her closest lady friends. she can not get any text messages that might be “obscene” in the eyes of her guy even if they are jokes from her closest friends.

her phone gets checked now and then. The guy never repeats anything to her, and that treatment is meted out to her only.
The girl does not even tell him about many things for the fear that he will flare up. that includes her going out with her lady friends to, say, a restaurant.

the other day both of them came to my house. My wife and her went into the kitchen. my wife asked her to help her with a couple of things to be brought to the dining table. she refused saying " phir woh kahay ga k mai bohat free ho rahee thee". when my wife said to her how she was going to live with such a character for her life, she said that she will change him.

(on one previous occassion when the girl had asked him about having changed so much, the guy had replied that he had always been like that and would remain so. so much for her wishful thinking.)

so anyway what i observed was that she was too scared of him. while the guy looked at her with such gaze as if she was a piece of s***.

the guy has even started having problem with her beauty. he says she has too big a forehead. I got to tell you that the woman is very beautiful by any standard. blue eyes and all that pashtoon beauty.

my own observations are that the guy is fed up of her. and she is stuck with him for life. and she is the only one i think that will be working on saving the relationship.

given that these things will only worsen after marriage in my view since then the family of the guy will also come in the picture. and a lot of things that she can do now she will not be able to do.

Can a marriage survive like that especially if her only hope is that she would change him? To tell you the truth, I am really scared for her.
Another toss up: why do women fall for such A**h****?

2

Re: can you live in such a situation?

No, it can't survive and she's in an abusive relationship..

I would suggest for your wife to reason with her if you don't mind intruding in your friends business.

3

Re: can you live in such a situation?

brother, seems like you have done in-depth analysis of her relationship

tell me again, why are you taking somebody else's issue too seriously?

interference can get you into trouble and from the looks if it, you are going that way

4

Re: can you live in such a situation?

Well for me I would try to pull her out. if she doesn't listen though I'll just cut ties..

5

Re: can you live in such a situation?

i wish she could walk out of this abusive relationship before kids are involved in it... although it will not be an easy job for her...., the guy seems to be arrogant,he will not change rather his behaviour can be more abbusive in future i.e he might start physically abbusing her,bcuz guy knows that she's somehow use to of these situations before marriage so she can be ok with the given situation.... he has problems with her even on small issues....i dont know why is he allowing her to work if he's so narrow minded?for the sake of money..??

6

Re: can you live in such a situation?

Almost everyone has reasoned with her. I had reasoned with her before they got engaged. She did not listen to me. at that time I had been thinking that the guy was not serious about marrying her and was using her as a "time pass". and what he was telling her was what the usual guy BS was, like i have to get my sisters married first etc. but at the end of the day he sent in his parents.
as far as reasonable voices are concerned, every single person who is connected to her in some way and wanted to wish her well has tried to dissuade her. this included her own sister. but she did not listen to her either.

here is one more thing. this girl is from a very rich family. the guy is not from any affluent background.
the girl's sister recently got engaged in a decent rich family. they took this guy in the engagement ceremony. there he got jealous of their wealth.

sheharyar khan I have not really done any interference. but the thing is that this girl is one of my wife's good friends. and we are both really worried about her. and we are afraid that she will become isolated from everyone. we are concerned because we will either have to cut ties with both or keep talking to both. and frankly i dont want to be in touch with that person.

[quote]
i wish she could walk out of this abusive relationship before kids are involved in it... although it will not be an easy job for her...., the guy seems to be arrogant,he will not change rather his behaviour can be more abbusive in future i.e he might start physically abbusing her,bcuz guy knows that she's somehow use to of these situations before marriage so she can be ok with the given situation.... he has problems with her even on small issues....i dont know why is he allowing her to work if he's so narrow minded?for the sake of money..??
[/quote]

one and only, i have the same apprehensions too. that was my exact analysis too.
why is he letting her work? well at first he had asked her to stop working. but i guess then he thought that it would be wiser to get the extra income coming in the future. they work in similar sector but she earns more than him. i think that will also be an issue in the future. he will continue to let her work because i dont think they can survive on one income of his. he earns around 20K rupees a month, too less for even one person to survive.

7

Re: can you live in such a situation?

The fact that he's treating her like this when they're just engaged is really disturbing. It will only get worse when they get married.

"My love will make him change" is a cute notion that is unfortunately true only in bollywood. If your spouse treats you like s*** there is a fundamental problem in your relationship that blind love is unlikely to cure.

8

Re: can you live in such a situation?

Don't mind my ignorance but how can someone from a strict tribal family be allowed to work/have a career where there are lots of males?

9

Re: can you live in such a situation?

that happened mainly because of her father's stance who educated both his daughters very well, even though he got alienated from his family for doing. usually women in their teens get married there. but this woman is 28 and still unmarried. her education was mainly due to the efforts of her dad. he had been a strict dad but he never compromised on their education.

10

Re: can you live in such a situation?

Ohh okay, gotcha.

as for the rest of the story, that's pretty sad. But I'm assuming she feels like she has no other choice, the fact that she took beatings and stuff from her own family, she has no choice but to stick with the guy...

11

can you live in such a situation?

Shes not married yet.? So she has a chance to walk away from it now.! She would be stupid to think hes going to change, if everyone says no there has to be reasons beyond the fact hes a choice: even her father who gave her the chance for education etc must have had a good enough reason to discourage her initially. If shes not prepared to leave him then unfortunatley youl have to allow her to make her own bed and lie in it. Shes landed herself in this situation and clearly doesnt want to find the courage to walk out of it.! As a friend you guy can only advise her

12

Re: can you live in such a situation?

I may have missed it but does the girl's father know how she is being treated by the guy?

13

Re: can you live in such a situation?

she married or unmarried?!

14

Re: can you live in such a situation?

She has time to jump ship

I honestly would

15

Re: can you live in such a situation?

She needs someone to sit down and talk to her....like REALLY take the time out to talk to her, not only about the red flags in her fiance, but also about WHY she wants to marry him and her expectations of marriage/life. If her family has no clue about the way he treats her, they need to know. I wonder what's brought about the sudden attitude change in him. Maybe he's a consistent jerk to others around him...and it was only a matter of time before she encountered that ugly side of his for herself? Or perhaps deep down he's not too keen on marrying her......and rather than breakup with her.....he's behaving like a prick, so that she'll be the first to end the engagement? Maybe she thinks that 28 is too old for her to search elsewhere and so she's "settling" for him and has somehow convinced herself that he loves her and is good for her. Or it could be pride that's preventing her from leaving him....as in she doesn't want to prove to her family that they were right in their refusal of this guy. If she's complaining about the things he does that are not apparent to others......then clearly she's not happy with him. What this girl really needs is to discuss the matter with someone.....even if the topic is initiated by another person (friend/relo, etc).....she needs to sort out her feelings/thoughts. Whether or not the members on GS would remain in an abusive relationship or leave... will not have any bearing on her life. If you're that concerned about her, Jaanaan, try talking to your wife and figuring out a way to help/guide her.

16

Re: can you live in such a situation?

yah, just cuz she made 1 big mistake b4 going for him doesnt mean she shud stick with that mistake and make her whole life hell. i m sure her parents would understand and maybe even support her to get out of this relationship.

17

Re: can you live in such a situation?

Is she marrying the guy coz she doesn’t have any other good rishta? :bummer:

Ask your friend to make the girl understand to share all this with the family. She is only engaged now and she can revise her decision. People close to her needs to talk to her and make her realise the life she is agreeing to spend with the guy.

18

Re: can you live in such a situation?

Her father has no idea how she is being treated? Can someone tell him what is going on?

I don't think there's anything wrong with people who are truly worried and care for someone to do something about it.

I would do at least try.

19

Re: can you live in such a situation?


you'd think we have not already exhausted all those options. as i have earlier stated, anyone who has wished her well has dissuaded her from this guy. but she being in blind love has never listened to anyone.
[quote]
If her family has no clue about the way he treats her, they need to know.
[/quote]
I dont think her family knows about all this. all this information is coming from friends. she does not tell it to anyone directly. she never opens up. its through indirect ways that all this came to be known. for example, she went out with her women friends and then asked all of them to never mention it in front of that guy because then "he gets angry". or once my wife was trying to call her at night and she wont pick up. so my wife messaged her if she was asleep and she replied that she was awake but she was not allowed to have her phone engaged after 9PM.
[quote]
I wonder what's brought about the sudden attitude change in him. Maybe he's a consistent jerk to others around him...and it was only a matter of time before she encountered that ugly side of his for herself?
[/quote]
I think he has been a jerk all the time. its just that when she lost her attraction to him did he start showing his real self. the woman still believes she can change him.
[quote]
Or perhaps deep down he's not too keen on marrying her......and rather than breakup with her.....he's behaving like a prick, so that she'll be the first to end the engagement?
[/quote]
he had never been too keen on getting married to her in the last couple of years. he had told one of their mutual friends that he will not take a stand for her if her family refuses him for the final time. She was too keen on marrying him. its not like she never had a chance with someone else. she had got good rishtas, including that of a young test cricketer at that time.
[quote]
If she's complaining about the things he does that are not apparent to others......then clearly she's not happy with him. What this girl really needs is to discuss the matter with someone.....even if the topic is initiated by another person (friend/relo, etc).....she needs to sort out her feelings/thoughts. Whether or not the members on GS would remain in an abusive relationship or leave... will not have any bearing on her life. If you're that concerned about her, Jaanaan, try talking to your wife and figuring out a way to help/guide her.
[/QUOTE]
she does not complain. she has this problem of keeping most things to herself. my wife says that its her habit she seldom lets her feeling out. but the tension shows on her face when she is going through something like that.
I asked her what she liked in the guy. and that question was an unexpected for her. she immediately did not reply. and after thinking for some time said " he is caring". I said " no he is not". he was a bit good looking ( now he is a fat) at the time she started liking him. i think that crush has not faded till now. and my own analysis is after marriage when they have had sex, she will realize that good looks do not matter as much. and when her efforts fail completely to transform him, then she will start regretting it.
or maybe not. maybe she just likes to be in continuos mental torture. who knows?

20

Re: can you live in such a situation?

Unfortunately, that is the story of a lot of women around me. I don't even know what to say. And then my mom says I have a baseless fear of marriage.