Can parents be that selfish?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

marriage is a turning point for the adult male and woman.

place your self in a situation, where your daughter or son wants to marry
someone, and you delibrately befool her and him, and eventually get them married off where you wanted.

maybe your son or daughter, in their obedience, are quietly going to suffer or become worse, but what is the reward of such parents?

are parents supposed to be teaching trust and faith or doubts and fears?
are parents supposed to be understanding and all-transparent or dubious and deceptive?
are you a likeable parent, when you do this?

how do you confront this happening in the society around you?

any thoughts?

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Re: Can parents be that selfish?

All this happens mostly in movies/dramas...i have rarely seen this happen in real where parents go against their child's choice for no reason. Obviously they r the ones who wl stop us if we r going on the wrong track...they want the best of us and for us...yes they can make mistakes to in selecting wats good for us but thats never their intentions. I believe that marriage is not only the union of 2 souls but 2 families so its very imp that both families approve of each other if u want to lead a happy and peaceful life.

Can i ask u what do u think wud make a parent go against his child's choice? do they do it just to be THE one to decide whom their child gets married 2? they dont want their child 2 be happy? they have some personal agenda against their child? or perhaps they just think that their child has not selected the right match for themself?.

If there are any parents out there who are going against their child's wishes for no reason but just cuz they like 2 excercise their powers than i think they dun even deserve being called parents cuz the whole concept of parents is nothing like that. Also if in such a situation the child can go against his parent's wishes if he is sure that his/her parents are not worthy of making their decisions...it boils down to the kind of relationship and trust u have with yr parents. If the child goes ahead with the parents choice it only shows that the parents have invested the trust in the child 2 let them decide for him/her. I dont think in this world any1 is naive enuff 2 go blindly for yr parent's choice if u dun have trust in them. And if they than that only shows the maturity level of that individual and in that atleast i wud think that u wud be better off with them.

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Re: Can parents be that selfish?

you are right, Maham S.

it is indeed about the relationship of trust that one has with one's parents.
no one wants to take someone's daughter and son and kid nap them.
i am speaking of the ill-will, based on wrong judgments.
of course, over time, when damage or benefit is already evident, then people do second guesses after the fact and make all kinds of justifications to solace their sense of mistake making or otherwise, being good to their off spring .
fortune is locked from us all, that is true.
no one can really look into the future.
so by that token, anything and everything is based on risk
what we should be able to distinctly see is how accurate we are in our predictions.
if it is more guided by family politics or a sense of possession of the children, then one does not deserve to be a parent, in my opinion and their say must not matter, respectfully.
you are right, in the present time, ob average, educated and well wishing parents will never ever curtail their daughter's and son's happiness.
otherwise the daughter and son, pragmatically must contend with negativism or take a good stand and prove all FALSE apprehensions altogether false.

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Re: Can parents be that selfish?

Our parents wants the best for us, period.
However, there are no guarantees for success of marriages,
self-chosen or arranged.
My brothers gets lot of fine rishtas and I got III of them!
Each of them have their own liking and thinking:

a) would prefer wife not to work. He will provide all.
He loves food and things to be clean.
he will go for arranged chosen by us, my mum and I.
I want him to mingle with the girls, the families offered
rishtas "ghar baetthein". Its not normal norm for our tribe.
But hey, there are a shortage of guys na.

b) he is very sensitive, becomming sociologist. Was engaged to afghan girl,
then her family made too much trouble being other tribe, they parted.
He might chose on his own. There are lot of European girls converting to Islam. He likes girls being a home-girl at home and career minded too, he hates ppl without ambitions. Needs constant feed back etc.

c) He is a leader type. Engaged to a european girl, not with approvel of family, since she is ONLY career minded. Too restless and very dominating. They wish to marry, but mama is totally no no. She wants her to also care for home, cooking and other stuff females normally take care of. My brother is very happy with her.

So you see, they are very different in choice etc. Who knows whom of them will be happy in two years from now? My mum arranged mine, it went wrong early stage. Cant blame her at all. Then my own blunder.....lol Its a tale of its own sort. Our parents generation would try their absolute to hold family together. Now adays, we are more selffish and ego minded. We think of prestige and materialistic comfort. Its easier to break up THAN put a genuine effort to the voews given.
I see my brother's friends. One of them got divorced, he néver remarried, caz he felt betrayed. He just keeps on dating. Thats his solution.
Others, they have wives cousins and there are way too much problems. Somehow the common respect in family generally dies out. SO they keep mistresses. Its too common. Lots of families keep their aranged marriage wife and have the kids as supposed. But they have a double or even triple life going on. Thats really spooky and sad.

I support my brothers in their choices, UNCONDITIONALLY. no if and buts, just accepting whatever they find right for themselves. If it khuda na khasta goes wrong, I will be there to pick them up or reach out for them. Just as they have been there for me. My own kids, if I ever have any, Id have to know what my partner thinks about the entire matter. A mutual approach is the best, to avoid confusion. However, whatever makes them happy, is my happiness too.

Its all a lottery, you never know what you truly end up with.

5

Re: Can parents be that selfish?

yes.

Aaj Kiss Baat Par Gussa Aaya ??????
6

Re: Can parents be that selfish?

Some parents are just cruel, conniving, cold-hearted monsters.

7

Re: Can parents be that selfish?

Bottomline... its all in the hands of fate.. so deal with it.. You are to marry whom you've been chosen to... not in any way ur parents' fault :p

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Re: Can parents be that selfish?

I think most parents try to do whats best for their child. Of course there r an exceptional few who use this to their advantage but i think the majority of parents want whats best for their son/daughter. I mean im a parent and i cudnt imagine trying to get my daughter married off to sum1 just to make me happy.

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Re: Can parents be that selfish?

also some parents can also be giving guilt trips as well as making all kinds of societal comparisons and that is actually vey harmful since the grown up child, either one who is living away from home, or in side the parents's home, will become negative and instead of being a support, perhaps enjoy misery of the parents since they did not understand their adult child. it is a loss, in any way that you look at it.

certainly, i would think, anyone who is a good caring parent will not make their child/ren go through this pain and aversion.

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Re: Can parents be that selfish?

that is the point absolutely

marriages a long time relations, if they are meant to be successful, they should not be based on prejudgmental conditions.
unless of course a daughter or son is insisting on marrying an immoral and uneducated individual.

**CoNgRaTuLaTiOnS**
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Re: Can parents be that selfish?

Ur right Dush. Unfortunetly sum parents do put on the guilt trip and make comparisons. Unless ur son/daughter is choosing sum1 who isnt right for them-like sum lay abt or something-parents shud try and support their child instead of pushing their ideals on to them. Many parents do try and live out their dreams thru their child b it marrying them off to some1 of their choice. Its very bizarre.

**CoNgRaTuLaTiOnS**
**CoNgRaTuLaTiOnS**
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Re: Can parents be that selfish?

Dushwari,

To parents, their children, by default, are naive and rash. Its incumbent upon children to EARN their parents' trust and confidence. It's a very valuable lesson that parents impart to their children as it only makes the children better.

I hear a lot of young punks and punkettes whining about their parents. I don't blame them since they've grown up with a sense of entitlement to a 'Bollywood' romance and a 'Hollywood' lifestyle. You want all that? Make yourself worthy of it. Not by whining about parents or family elders but by going out in the world and making your mark. Caveat: it may not make you happy though :D

Parents are human beings with their share of weaknesses, insecurities and fear. After all is said and done, they want the best for their children. Prove to them that you are capable and that you've earned your trust & confidence; they will listen.

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Re: Can parents be that selfish?

you missed my point. yet, i appreciate your comments.
it is not about proving or disproving parents.

instead, it is about making parents feel fully and positively aware of the security that a young adult child's choice in finding a life partner, ought to be acknowledged.

you surely wont want to live the rest of your life, with anyone handed on down to you, would you? if anything, a spouse can and ideally ought to be a source of improving your life and so should you be able to that - grow together! & happily.

absolutely, without any honest mutual understanding and regard, even kids of the same parents cannot share a roof, let alone, two people who have to live together as spouses to each other.

& no, i did not and will never refer to the glitz that you speak of referring to unreal and unethical affairs in media.

no one can guarantee a 100 percent perfect marriage and relationship.

but when an effort going into making the marital contract goes waste because of personal confusion or parental politics - it is really disappointing.

dushwari
[FONT=Times New Roman]

RabZZZ Mubarak Ho
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Re: Can parents be that selfish?

Nope, I didn't. But you did miss mine. :) Where did I mention 'proving' or 'disproving' your parents?

[quote]

instead, it is about making parents feel fully and positively aware of the security that a young adult child's choice in finding a life partner, ought to be acknowledged.
[/quote]

Only insane parents deliberately and purposefully put their children's lives in harms way. Are you talking about insane people?

[quote]

if anything, a spouse can and ideally ought to be a source of improving your life and so should you be able to that - **grow together! & happily.
[/quote]

**You want your spouse to improve your life? Are we talking about quadriplegics or normal human beings who are educated and have their own lives?

[quote]

absolutely, without any honest mutual understanding and regard, even kids of the same parents cannot share a roof, let alone, two people who have to live together as spouses to each other.

& no, i did not and will never refer to the glitz that you speak of referring to unreal and unethical affairs in media.

no one can guarantee a 100 percent perfect marriage and relationship.

but when an effort going into making the marital contract goes waste because of personal confusion or parental politics - it is really disappointing.

dushwari
[FONT=Times New Roman]
[/quote]

I had forgotten who you were but after reading this oot patang post, I now recall who you are. :D

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Re: Can parents be that selfish?

No personal attacks

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Re: Can parents be that selfish?

you are absolutely incorrect luxury item.

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Re: Can parents be that selfish?

As a general thing parent swant what is best for their children but what they think is best isnt always the best thing...
Ill give a scenario that happened in one side of my family...girl got on with boy who knew her family...her family liked him him as well and they got on with his family...they did that whole bangle thing to signify an engagment...boy was happy and so was the girl...
Now came another proposal...a guy who lived abroad and was the son of a family friend...they judged it on the fact that hes abroad so her life will be better and hes more wealthy...so they broke off the previous engagement and the girl ended up getting married to the guy abroad...she didnt fight this btw...she just went with whatever her parents decided...

Now the issue isnt with caniving parents and evil parents...its just the way they judge things for me is slightly misguided...
Wealth and status are given far too much priority...so a lawyer is ultimately a better person than a schoolteacher for instance...and in terms of wealth they look for security for their wife and future grandkids but fail to realise that having the finanical clout to look after children and having the qualities to look after children and their daughter are a different thing...

Their selection processes are extremely superficial...also things like not marrying outside race arent always meant in a bad sense...they feel that someone from the same background will always be best for their child...sometimes i feel they can be slightly racist...cos iv seen pakis who dont feel the same when their son marries a white woman but would have had an issue if they married an 'uncivilised' black woman...

But in a nutshell parents arent devious in my opinion they are just superficial...things like love etc arent seen at the same level as the other things mentioned...but looking at western stats for divorce love is rarely able to carry a marriage by itself so to a degree maybe the parents get it right...

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Re: Can parents be that selfish?

that is true, nbn - superficiality that you described here, in parents' willpower over their son's.
thanks for sharing this perspective.

but, same background of whom, for what?
even siblings from the same mother, wont at times a long and be totally alike.
howcome, when it comes to a son's wedding, he is made doubtful and he is thrown into doubts?

when he is talked to, by someone who thought he was after, with good intentions, how is it possible that he becomes so rude, so insensitive?

it does not make a lot of sense.

throwing stones at each other and getting turned away and entrapping oneself in unilateral differences is not fair, though to the person who from a distance absorbs it all, and also it is not fair to the one, who is the reason for
all the waste and bitterness, that was gifted to some one who was simply following his lead.
given his muteness, who is to say that the son is not himself a calculative, dishonest being?
in any event, time may explain and may heal the injustice to the one who hurt and backed away for whatever reason.
why do caring people sometimes, never leave any stone unturned in their quest to save someone from a greater damage than the ones already suffered. and if still someone does not realizes that their decisions are not well founded, it is best to leave all of it, as is - in anguish at the loyal person's end.

real wrong is when someone knows that delibrately escalated hatred got caused, and all that preceded it - the honesty, the care, the regard, the friendship, a dream of being together is shattered ... just like that as if nothing matters.

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Re: Can parents be that selfish?

Allah has created mankind differently! Some parents can be selfish in the sense that they would give higher priority to own siblings that own children. I have experienced that when I was forced to marry my maternal cousin and remain in that nikkah for many yrs before my parents realized that they family is selfish and greedy and only interested in green cards!!!

So i have seen selfish parents turned into caring and understanding parents Alhamdulillah but I must admit that it hurts not to have ur parents on ur side in ur teenage yrs!

**Men**
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Re: Can parents be that selfish?

i agree.

yes i think parents can be selfish at times. and why not? they are just as humans as their children are. just like many children are selfish and grow up with a sense of entitlement. but at the same time i think that most parents will always be there for their kids in the end. our relationships with our parents change with time and especially after we go through ups and downs...most of the times we end up closer to them in my opinon.

as far as parents forcing their kids to marry someone is concerned....its one thing if you were married off when you were not mature but if you are a mature individual, you are the only one responsible for it...it honestly isnt such a hard thing to make parents understand that you dont want to marry someone you dont like (well its harder for some than others but eventually ...being optimistic ofcourse...i think parents do understand ... i dont see why they wouldnt want you to be with someone who they believe will truly make you happy)