Can my friend return her haq maher back to her husband?

Society Religion & Philosophy
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Assalamu’alaykum everyone.

Not sure if this is the right forum but I’m posting this on behalf of a friend as she would appreciate some advice.

She and her husband have been married foe 8 years and for the past few years their arguments have been getting worse.
Whenever they argue, money always comes up. MashaAllah their financial status is ok. Husband is in a good job and she is a housewife.
But she is sick to death that he always brings up money ie he shouts at her stuff like 'always using my money, treating you to good holidays etc.

Apparently the haq maher was £10000.00 for her and has been given to her already.
Recently they went to a wedding and he witnessed in the Nikkah how little the haq maher was paid to the bride as compared to what he went through.
He told her afterwards and also bought to her attention how her father in law was ‘selling her’ to him for this amount of haq maher.
She is badly hurt now as she feels like he has been carrying this haq maher problem on his shoulders for the whole of their marriage and keeps bringin uo money.
She has enough of his hot headed temper which gets out of hand. He doesn’t become physically violent but shouts at her and verbally abuses her.
Now she wants out as she can’t handle it.

My question is ‘can she return her haq maher back to him?’ If she can afford it?
Please let ME know as in worried about her and she always seems upset as she is such a happy person deep inside and this is eating her up.

JazakAllah Khair.

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Re: Can my friend return her haq maher back to her husband?

Walaikumussalam warahamtullah…

can i ask you why she wants to return her haq mehar? because mehr is gift from husband and there is a condition of khula only(wife ask for divorce) in which she has to give money back and get divorce…otherwise no condition in my knowledge in which woman should return her mehr back…!! infact it has to be paid by husband in all condition other than khul..!!
below is the bold part of verse for khula (divorce ask by woman)

Divorce is twice. Then, either keep [her] in an acceptable manner or release [her] with good treatment. And it is not lawful for you to take anything of what you have given them unless both fear that they will not be able to keep [within] the limits of Allah. But if you fear that they will not keep [within] the limits of Allah, then there is no blame upon either of them concerning that by which she ransoms herself. These are the limits of Allah, so do not transgress them. And whoever transgresses the limits of Allah - it is those who are the wrongdoers. **(229)

and the hadith
wife of Thaabit ibn Qays ibn Shammaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said, “O Messenger of Allaah, I do not find any fault with Thaabit ibn Qays in his character or his religious commitment, but I do not want to commit any act of kufr after becoming a Muslim.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to her, “Will you give back his garden?” Because he had given her a garden as her mahr. She said, “Yes.”** The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to Thaabit: “Take back your garden, and divorce her.”
(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5273). and Allah knows best!!!

may Allah bring peace and love between two of them and may Allah protect their relation from shaitan ameen…

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Re: Can my friend return her haq maher back to her husband?

Nobody put a gun to the guy’s head to pay up so the dude is whining about his own actions but honestly there are bigger problems then just the haq mehr. There is zero guarantee that her problems will be solved by paying back haq mehr. The guy could be in a financial crunch which she doesn’t know about and she might over spending or the guy is just miserly and will never be happy.

Ps: The haq mehr is hers. She can give to the next begger she meets on the street or give it back to her husband. I think she needs to look at their longterm lifestyle rather than paying it back in one go.

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Re: Can my friend return her haq maher back to her husband?

Arguments are having regularly. Both attack each other. Then they start attacking each others families.
I don’t think I’ve heard her NOT mention money whenever she tells me they’ve argued.
If he is bringing up money all the time, she said she is willing to return his gift back to him.
Her concern is tht he keeps talking about money, he will never let the haq maher issue go so might as well return it so she doesn’t have to hear it.

His family are always thinking about money. Her side is from a simple side. Materialistic things doesn’t matter to her or doesn’t mean much to her. Feelings and emotions do.
I don’t think she wants to put up with the husband anymore because of little petty money issues..

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Re: Can my friend return her haq maher back to her husband?

Quite a miserly husband. Is he really a ‘man’?

If this has been going on for 8 years, it’ll most likely, continue. I would have gone crazy by now due to those psychological attacks. And their fights over petty issue such as ‘money’ would also negatively affect her children up bringing. Let her provide her children a better environment for growth. And she better give the money to some charity. If she does return to him, tell her to mark the envelope with ‘CHARITY MONEY’.

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Re: Can my friend return her haq maher back to her husband?

Jaahil ppl. But thats OK. Quran arrived to everyone’s rescue.
Huq Mehr is her right. Even $1 would be sufficient. Actual amount has only relevance at the time it was decided and accepted. No retroactive modification is possible.

Now egos are in play. If she wants to feel better and takes it as a matter of pride, she can throw any amount of money back at them. But thats not the right course of action. That money is her right no matter what anyone makes it sound like. Huq Mehr is not bride’s price valuation, or has anything with “worth” of a person, nor is it a transaction therefore, It is not an “opportunity cost”, or compensation for anything. It is a security right and it can be in terms of money, property, pieces of cloth, or whatever.

However, in the case of divorce, Huq Mehr that was “deferred” and not transferred at the time of Nikkah to the bride, MUST be transferred in order to complete the divorce rightfully. If the deferred Huq Mehr is not transfer at the time of divorce, then it is a sin, and violation of rights in the sight of Allah. Based on the national jurisdiction, this can also be taken to court to demand the mehr. The only case Huq Mehr is not necessary to be paid during marriage or divorce is when the wife willfully, and under no pressure or blackmail forgives and gives it up without spite and does not demand it in any form. In this case, there is no sin for not transferring Mehr

Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES, can a husband demand HUQ MEHR BACK based on Islamic Sharia’. Doing so would be a sin, and he is of course free to act sinfully.

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Re: Can my friend return her haq maher back to her husband?

I’d say that the issues here are deeper than that. A few things about mahr:

  1. The wife can refuse to live with the husband until the mahr paid
  2. It is considered a debt for the husband until he pays it
  3. It is something that should be decided according to the capacity/status of the husband and not the wife
  4. It is an amount that is agreed upon by both sides, prior to the marriage and must be fulfilled by the husband

If there’s anything she has an undisputed right to, it’s her mahr. Even if she were to return it, I doubt it would change anything. Now I don’t know what their situation is, but in terms of her needs, the husband is responsible to provide. It’s not like his doing a special favor by providing for her needs, it’s his responsibility. Now in terms of what exactly is being provided, in terms of his budget, how much is necessity, how much is luxury is a separate story. If there is really a problem there, then she could look into adjusting that. But if there’s an issue with day to day spending, then the return of mahr might quite things down for a couple of months, but after that, it’s most likely to be the same old story.

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Re: Can my friend return her haq maher back to her husband?

Sunset_Eyes: I don’t think Mahr is the problem (Mahr today, something else would be tomorrow). Marriage is on rock and quicker she realizes and take corrective measures, the better for her. She should know that as things are, relationship would not become the way she would like to be (respectable, caring, sharing, understanding, and cozy). Her marriage would be a compromise at best, and rocky at worse.

So, she should start learning (finding out) her rights in Islamic marriage. Secondly, she should start making sure that if marriage breaks down, what she can ends up with … more the better. Wherever she is living, she should learn her legal positions in that country. If she is living in western countries, make sure she knows what her rights are and what she can keep, plus obviously if there are young kids, she should know that she would get their possession if divorce happens.

After knowing and working out all that, she would know, be prepared, and would be able to evaluate her position if marriage breaks down. Then, she should tell her husband ‘straight on face’ that either put up or shut up. If husband goes angry (or become berserk) than tell him that she is prepared and if he wants to, he can divorce and take highway to hell. Be prepared to get all your rights and make him pay heavily if divorce happens. Tell him that if he becomes physical or abusive, she would not hesitate to call police and take matters to court.

If marriage continues, she should not try to make her life difficult by restricting herself, rather live the way she was living till now, expecting her needs to get fulfilled as usual.

I am sure that after that, he would either divorce or would get straight (90 percent chance is that he would get straight). It is also possible that relationship may become a bit better, but obviously it would not going to be the way she might like (that option is not there anymore whatever she does).

Anyhow, if he gets straight with realization that wife is prepared for divorce and is also prepared for life after divorce, it is possible that marriage relationship would get better with time. But that only time can tell.

In the end, I would like to say to her is: ‘Be straight, know her rights (in Islam as well as legal rights where she is living), be prepared to use law, go blunt, work out the eventualities, prepare for the worse and hope for the best. It would work (as normally it does)’.

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Re: Can my friend return her haq maher back to her husband?

She should not return her haq mehr. She should ask they go to marriage counseling with a good Islamic counselor if you are lucky to have them available. They should have an actual degree and experience. I have run into one lady here and she has sound deen understanding and she is a licensed social worker.

He probably will not go he sounds like a git. She needs to learn to either ignore him until he gives up or tell him off once and for all and shut him up. Former is probably more PC. But sometimes a guy needs to hear it.

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Re: Can my friend return her haq maher back to her husband?

Does she want divorce? When you said that “she wants out” is that referring to divorce or the Mahr Argument? If its divorce she needs to think carefully and maybe bring in a neutral third party. Divorce is a serious matter and should not be taken lightly. If its the argument then her husband is wrong. He should not be bringing up the mahr at all. It is her right. If he couldn’t afford it then he should have agreed to a lesser amount during the nikkah. She is under no obligation to return it. It is not a bridal cost and it is not compensation. It is her right. And even if she got a job he still would have to provide for her because that is HIS responsibility. Her money is HER money. If she spends on the family or house it is counted as sadaqa for her. It is up to her what she does with her money. Sounds like they need to get some counselling. He obviously needs to come to terms and accept the fact that the mahr is hers and he should not be using it as a weapon against her to make her feel guilty.

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Re: Can my friend return her haq maher back to her husband?

What is the guarantee that he will not fight after receiving back the Haq-e-Mehar. On the other hand in case of any issues which lead to divorce later she will not have any chance to get it as she already returned it.

Paying back this money will not resolve any differences but will put her on a weaker ground.

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Re: Can my friend return her haq maher back to her husband?

Jazakallah to each and every one of for kind words and advice.
I relayed it all back to my friend and made her read all your replies.
She appreciated it a lot.
After thinking bout It a lot, she spoke to her husband and decided to give him 80% of his gift back as she doesn’t want this drain.
Some of you also said that clarifying the haq maher won’t inprive the relationship and she agrees with that.
She appears to be very down. I guess the whole shock of it.
Please keep her in your prayers and may Allah make it easy for her. Ameen.

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Re: Can my friend return her haq maher back to her husband?

I would recommend both learn the rights that each of them have on each other … and live them. This is a matter of mutual respect and dowry is caught in the crossfire. She should consult her husband about money problems and work with him to resolve them, if they happen to be causing the fights. The haq mehr was arranged agreed and honoured - the husband should not even mention it, let alone accuse her father of selling his daughter. These issues of respect are far more important to resolve.

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Re: Can my friend return her haq maher back to her husband?

She handed the money back ???

Great; enjoy financial difficulties when the imbecile throws her out.

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Re: Can my friend return her haq maher back to her husband?

She gave back 80%.
How much has her life improved since?

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Re: Can my friend return her haq maher back to her husband?

if she knows returning the haq meher will not improve the relationship, then why do it? wsn’t that the initial reason for thinkig about giving it back?